社交課堂:和難相處的人打交道的4個祕密大綱

We all have difficult people in our lives. You know—the ones you dread talking to; the ones you try to avoid at all costs. They may be your ex-spouse, a co-worker, or a family member; they may be a bully, a control freak, passive-aggressive or someone who loves to play the role of victim.

人的一生中，難免會遇見一些很難打交道的人。你知道的，就是那種你竭盡所能想要避開的人。他們也許是你的前妻/夫、同事，親戚，可能是專愛欺負別人的人、控制狂、消極對待者、或者受害妄想症資深患者。

So, how do we deal with these people? How can we work together productively, whether in a parenting, a working, or a family relationship?

那麼，我們該如何跟這種人打交道呢？要怎樣做，才能順利地和他們共事、共同維護家庭、工作或保持良好的親戚關係呢？

Here are a few secrets to being able to keep your cool when dealing with that difficult person in your life:

以下幾個小祕密，能幫助你在面對這類人時保持淡定。

1. Know Your Triggers

1. 知道自己的底線

Self-knowledge is powerful.

自知之明是強大的武器。

We all have subjects and idiosyncrasies that push our buttons, and I can almost guarantee that the difficult person in your life knows what those are—but do you? Spend some time exploring what really ticks you off. Is it when somebody talks about politics, money, or your family? Is it when your ex takes your kids to McDonald’s 3 days in a row?

每個人都有自己的底線，它們會被特定的事物引爆。我可以確信地告訴你，那些你最討厭的人，往往熟知你的底線在哪裏。那麼你呢？你知道嗎？花點時間好好想想吧，找出那些容易讓你暴躁的事物來。比如，是不是一旦有人談論起政治、或金錢、或你的家庭，你就開始不爽？或者是不是一想起你的前任連着三天用麥當勞打發孩子，你就暴躁了？

Once you have your list of those trigger buttons, you are ready to arm yourself. Create a plan. What will you do when the conversation steers dangerously close to one of your buttons?

一旦熟知自己的底線，那你就變得無堅不摧。列一個應對計劃——比如，當談話開始漸漸轉移到你最討厭的東西上時，該怎麼應對？

You can practice deep breathing, take a short time-out, walk away from the conversation, or any combination of the three. Whatever allows you to center yourself and regain your focus onthe purpose of the conversation will work.

你可以試着深呼吸、或出門散散步、或直接起身，遠離這個話題；或者你可以把這三件事一塊兒做了。無論怎麼應對，只要能讓你把注意力轉移回自己身上、並鞏固你對該談話的控制權的方法，就是好方法。

2. The STOP Phrases

2. 使用“停滯期”語句

If you are having a conversation with a difficult person and you just want it to end, these phrases seem to do the trick (or at least take the wind out of the other person’s sails).

假如你正在和一個難打交道的人聊天，而你非常想閉嘴走人。這個“停滯期”語句會很管用——至少它能把對方的氣勢滅到最低。

“Sorry you feel that way.”

“很抱歉讓你有這樣的感覺。”

“That’s your opinion.”

“好吧，這是你的看法。”

“Oh.”

“哦。”

“Perhaps you’re right.”

“或許你是對的。“

If you just repeat these phrases over and over during the conversation, eventually the other person will give up trying to get you to join the argument.

假如你不停重複這幾句話，最終對方一定會放棄和你爭吵的，哈哈。

3. Resist the Temptation to get Sucked In

3. 抑制住被捲入爭執中的衝動

Difficult people want to engage you: don’t fall for that trap. Listen to what you’re saying: are you trying to justify, argue, defend, or explain your position? If you are, stop. If you don’t, the conversation will just continue to go around in circles. You will never change the mind of a difficult person—otherwise you probably wouldn’t be seeing them as “difficult.”

那些難打交道的人，最愛做的事就是讓你捲入爭執中。小心這個陷阱。聽聽此時自己的嘴巴在說些啥：是不是正在試圖證明某事、或爭論、或辯解、或解釋自己的處境？如果是，請立即停止。因爲如果你不停下來的話，這個對話將永遠在一個圓裏繞啊繞，毫無結果。因爲你是沒有辦法改變對方這類人的想法的。否則的話，你也不會給他們貼上 “難打交道”的標籤了。

4. The Big One

4. 終極大殺器

While the 3 secrets above can help you to avoid or get out of an uncomfortable conversation with a difficult person, there is one secret that can truly change your relationship with that person in your life: that secret is, that they are human, and are dealing with their own issues and their own crap that they’re bringing to the table.

前三種方法能幫你避免、或逃離和這類人的談話，而現在我們要說的，則是能徹底改變你和此類人關係的終極大殺器！這就是：無論如何，他們也是人，他們也有煩惱和弱點！

Their difficult behaviors are benefiting them in some way that helps them deal with those issues, and most of the time their behavior has nothing to do with you.

爲了解決自己的問題，他們的言行從某種程度上來講，與他們自身有益。而且，絕大多數時候，他們這樣做，和你並沒有多大關係。

A person might feel more secure when they are bullying someone or controlling others, or they might feel a sense of importance when they’re getting a lot of attention—even negative attention. They might try to gain a sense of belonging by playing the victim and getting others to help them, or someone who’s inflicting hurt and provoking hostility might be trying to protect his own sense of identity.

有的人在欺負、控制別人的時候，會因爲獲得關注（即使是負面關注）而覺得自己更重要、更有安全感。而有的人需要扮演被害者的角色，才能得到別人的幫助；有的人表面看上去既脆弱又帶有敵意，不外乎是爲了保全自己的存在感。

If we take the time to figure out what unconscious beliefs may be behind someone’s difficult behavior, we may be able to change our interaction with them and improve our relationship. Once you figure out what may be driving their behavior, you can begin to try different ways to help them get their emotional needs met without resorting to that behavior any longer.

假如我們能花點時間，去搞清楚那些難以理解的舉止背後是由什麼潛意識支撐着的話，我們也許就能改變和這類人的關係。一旦搞定這一點，你就能巧妙地通過別的方式滿足他們的情感需要，從而避免再度忍受他們不堪舉止的折磨。

The main idea here is to tap into your empathy pool and realize that the person you see as the bane of your existence is just another human being trying to get along as best they can.

這一招的主要目的是：激發你的同情和理解，讓你明白——這些存在於你生命中的“禍害”，其實也不過是個盡力想好好生活的人類罷了。

A Final Thought

最後的想法

Yes, sometimes we have to disengage in order to save our sanity, but keep in mind that everybody is doing the best they can with the emotional tools they have at their disposal. It is possible to get past our reactions to their difficult behaviors so that we may be able to do our part in building a calmer, more productive relationship, and in the end, this is all we can truly control—our own reactions.

的確，有時候爲了拯救自己的理智，我們得學會放棄。但請記住，每個人其實都在盡己所能地生活着。抑制住對於那些討厭舉止的厭惡情感吧，這樣的話，我們就能擁有更冷靜、更有益的人際關係。總的來講，其實最終我們真正能掌控的，是自己的情感。

You never know—one day, you may actually look forward to seeing these people.

誰知道呢，說不定某天你突然發現，自己還挺想念某個“特別難打交道”的人呢。