名著精讀:《悉達多》 在河邊(1)

Siddhartha walked through the forest, was already far from the city, and knew nothing but that one thing, that there was no going back for him, that this life, as he had lived it for many years until now, was over and done away with, and that he had tasted all of it, sucked everything out of it until he was disgusted with it. Dead was the singing bird, he had dreamt of. Dead was the bird in his heart. Deeply, he had been entangled in Sansara, he had sucked up disgust and death from all sides into his body, like a sponge sucks up water until it is full. And full he was, full of the feeling of been sick of it, full of misery, full of death, there was nothing left in this world which could have attracted him, given him joy, given him comfort.
Passionately he wished to know nothing about himself anymore, to have rest, to be dead. If there only was a lightning-bolt to strike him dead! If there only was a tiger a devour him! If there only was a wine, a poison which would numb his senses, bring him forgetfulness and sleep, and no awakening from that! Was there still any kind of filth, he had not soiled himself with, a sin or foolish act he had not committed, a dreariness of the soul he had not brought upon himself? Was it still at all possible to be alive? Was it possible, to breathe in again and again, to breathe out, to feel hunger, to eat again, to sleep again, to sleep with a woman again? Was this cycle not exhausted and brought to a conclusion for him?

席特哈爾塔在森林裏遊蕩，離開那個城市已經很遠了。他只知道他不會再回來，他多年來所過的生活已經一去不復返了。他嘗夠了這種生活的滋味，已經到了噁心的地步。他夢見過的那隻鳴鳥死了，他心中的鳥兒也死了。他深深地糾纏於輪迴之中，已經從各方面嘗夠了厭惡和死亡的滋味。就好像一塊海綿吸飽了水。他滿懷厭惡，滿懷愁悶，滿懷死亡之感，世界再沒有什麼能吸引他，使他高興，安慰他了。
他熱切地希望能忘卻自己，得到安寧，乾脆死掉。但願來個閃電，劈死他！但願來一隻猛虎，吃掉他！但願有一杯酒，一杯毒酒，使得他麻木、忘卻和沉睡，永遠不再醒來！還有哪一種污穢他沒有沾染過，還有哪一種罪孽和蠢行他沒有幹過，還有哪一種心靈的空虛他沒有承受過？他還有可能再活下去麼？還有可能一而再、再而三地吸氣和呼氣，感覺到肚子餓，重又進餐，再去睡覺，去和女人睡覺麼？這種循環對於他來說不是已經精疲力竭並且結束了麼？那天，他一直坐在芒果樹下，思念他父親，思念戈文達，思念戈塔馬。要做個卡馬斯瓦密就必須離開他們嗎？夜色降臨時他依然靜坐不動。他擡頭仰望星星，心想：“我坐在我的芒果樹下，坐在我的大花園裏。”他微微一笑——他擁有一棵芒果樹，擁有一個大花園，可是這有必要嗎？這對頭嗎？這不也是一場愚蠢的遊戲嗎？