名著精讀:《悉達多》 在河邊(3)

Siddhartha reached the large river in the forest, the same river over which a long time ago, when he had still been a young man and came from the town of Gotama, a ferryman had conducted him. By this river he stopped, hesitantly he stood at the bank. Tiredness and hunger had weakened him, and whatever for should he walk on, wherever to, to which goal? No, there were no more goals, there was nothing left but the deep, painful yearning to shake off this whole desolate dream, to spit out this stale wine, to put an end to this miserable and shameful life.
A hang bent over the bank of the river, a coconut-tree; Siddhartha leaned against its trunk with his shoulder, embraced the trunk with one arm, and looked down into the green water, which ran and ran under him, looked down and found himself to be entirely filled with the wish to let go and to drown in these waters. A frightening emptiness was reflected back at him by the water, answering to the terrible emptiness in his soul. Yes, he had reached the end. There was nothing left for him, except to annihilate himself, except to smash the failure into which he had shaped his life, to throw it away, before the feet of mockingly laughing gods. This was the great vomiting he had longed for: death, the smashing to bits of the form he hated! Let him be food for fishes, this dog Siddhartha, this lunatic, this depraved and rotten body, this weakened and abused soul! Let him be food for fishes and crocodiles, let him be chopped to bits by the daemons!
With a distorted face, he stared into the water, saw the reflection of his face and spit at it. In deep tiredness, he took his arm away from the trunk of the tree and turned a bit, in order to let himself fall straight down, in order to finally drown. With his eyes closed, he slipped towards death.
Then, out of remote areas of his soul, out of past times of his now weary life, a sound stirred up. It was a word, a syllable, which he, without thinking, with a slurred voice, spoke to himself, the old word which is the beginning and the end of all prayers of the Brahmans, the holy "Om", which roughly means "that what is perfect" or "the completion". And in the moment when the sound of "Om" touched Siddhartha's ear, his dormant spirit suddenly woke up and realized the foolishness of his actions.
Siddhartha was deeply shocked. So this was how things were with him, so doomed was he, so much he had lost his way and was forsaken by all knowledge, that he had been able to seek death, that this wish, this wish of a child, had been able to grow in him: to find rest by annihilating his body! What all agony of these recent times, all sobering realizations, all desperation had not brought about, this was brought on by this moment, when the Om entered his consciousness: he became aware of himself in his misery and in his error.
Om! he spoke to himself: Om! and again he knew about Brahman, knew about the indestructibility of life, knew about all that is divine, which he had forgotten.
But this was only a moment, flash. By the foot of the coconut-tree, Siddhartha collapsed, struck down by tiredness, mumbling Om, placed his head on the root of the tree and fell into a deep sleep.

席特哈爾塔來到森林中的一條大河邊，這正是當年他年輕時從戈塔馬那個城裏出來，一個船伕爲他擺渡的那條河。他在河邊停下，猶豫不決地站在河岸上。疲勞和飢餓已經使得他虛弱不堪，他幹嗎還繼續走呢？他前往何處，奔什麼目標呢？不，已經沒有目標了，只有這種深深的痛苦的渴望：甩掉這亂七八糟的夢境，吐掉這變了味的酒，結束這糟糕的可恥的生活！
從河岸上探出一棵樹，彎着伸向河面，那是一棵椰子樹。席特哈爾塔讓肩膀靠在樹幹上，用一隻胳臂摟住樹幹，俯視着身下流過的碧綠的河水。他往下看，感到心中涌動着這個願望：鬆開手，讓自己沉溺到水裏去。從水中映也一種可怕的空虛，而他心中的可怕的空虛則與之呼應。是的，他要完蛋了。留給他的出路就是毀滅自己，砸爛自己生活的失敗產物，丟棄它，把它丟到幸災樂禍的神靈腳下。爲正是他所渴望的巨大突破：死亡，毀掉他所憎惡的形體！但願水中的魚把他吃掉，把席特哈爾塔這條狗、這個瘋子、這個腐朽的身軀、這顆衰微和濫用了的靈魂吃掉！但願魚類和鱷魚把他吃掉，但願惡魔把他撕成碎片！
他面容扭曲地呆望着水面，看見了映出的那張臉，便朝它吐口水。他疲憊不堪，讓胳臂鬆開樹幹，輕了一下身子，以便垂直地落進水中，最終葬身水底。他沉下去，閉着眼睛，迎向死亡。
這時，從他心靈深處的偏僻角落裏，從他這疲倦一生的歷歷往事中，傳來了一個聲音。那是一個字，一個音節，他不假思索就喃喃地念了出來。那正是所有婆羅門在祈禱的開頭和結尾時都用的古字，那個神聖的“唵”字，意思是“功德圓滿”或“完美無瑕”。就在這聲“唵”傳入席特哈爾塔耳中的一剎那，他那沉睡的心靈突然甦醒了，他看清了自己行爲的愚蠢。
席特哈爾塔深感震驚。他現實的境況就是這樣，這麼無可救藥，誤入歧途，背離了一切真敵國，以至於他想自尋短見，而這個願望，這個孩子般的願望，卻在他心中變大起來：不惜毀滅自己的肉體來求得安寧！這最後時刻的全部痛苦、全部醒悟和全部絕望沒能實現的東西，卻在“唵”闖入他的意識這一瞬間完成了：他在自己的愁苦和迷亂中認識了自己。
“唵！”他喃喃自語着，“唵！”他想起婆羅門，想起生活的堅不可摧，想起了他已經淡忘的所有神聖的東西。
但這僅只是一剎那，像一道閃電。席特哈爾塔倒在了那棵椰子樹下，把頭枕在樹根上，陷入了沉沉的夢鄉。