名著精讀:《悉達多》 戈塔馬(3)

Quoth Siddhartha: "One thing, oh most venerable one, I have admired in your teachings most of all. Everything in your teachings is perfectly clear, is proven; you are presentingthe world as a perfect chain, a chain which is never and nowhere broken, an eternal chain the links of which are causes and effects. Never before, this has been seen so clearly;never before, this has been presented so irrefutably; truly, the heart of every Brahman has to beat stronger with love, once he has seen the world through your teachingsperfectly connected, without gaps, clear as a crystal, not depending on chance, not depending on gods. Whether it may be good or bad, whether living according to it would besuffering or joy, I do not wish to discuss, possibly this is not essential--but the uniformity of the world, that everything which happens is connected, that the great and thesmall things are all encompassed by the same forces of time, by the same law of causes, of coming into being and of dying, this is what shines brightly out of your exaltedteachings, oh perfected one. But according to your very own teachings, this unity and necessary sequence of all things is nevertheless broken in one place, through a small gap,this world of unity is invaded by something alien, something new, something which had not been there before, and which cannot be demonstrated and cannot be proven: these areyour teachings of overcoming the world, of salvation. But with this small gap, with this small breach, the entire eternal and uniform law of the world is breaking apart againand becomes void. Please forgive me for expressing this objection."
Quietly, Gotama had listened to him, unmoved. Now he spoke, the perfected one, with his kind, with his polite and clear voice: "You've heard the teachings, oh son of a Brahman,and good for you that you've thought about it thus deeply. You've found a gap in it, an error. You should think about this further. But be warned, oh seeker of knowledge, of thethicket of opinions and of arguing about words. There is nothing to opinions, they may be beautiful or ugly, smart or foolish, everyone can support them or discard them. But theteachings, you've heard from me, are no opinion, and their goal is not to explain the world to those who seek knowledge. They have a different goal; their goal is salvation fromsuffering. This is what Gotama teaches, nothing else."
"I wish that you, oh exalted one, would not be angry with me," said the young man. "I have not spoken to you like this to argue with you, to argue about words. You are trulyright, there is little to opinions. But let me say this one more thing: I have not doubted in you for a single moment. I have not doubted for a single moment that you areBuddha, that you have reached the goal, the highest goal towards which so many thousands of Brahmans and sons of Brahmans are on their way. You have found salvation from has come to you in the course of your own search, on your own path, through thoughts, through meditation, through realizations, through enlightenment. It has not come to youby means of teachings! And--thus is my thought, oh exalted one,--nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings! You will not be able to convey and say to anybody, ohvenerable one, in words and through teachings what has happened to you in the hour of enlightenment! The teachings of the enlightened Buddha contain much, it teaches many tolive righteously, to avoid evil. But there is one thing which these so clear, these so venerable teachings do not contain: they do not contain the mystery of what the exaltedone has experienced for himself, he alone among hundreds of thousands. This is what I have thought and realized, when I have heard the teachings. This is why I am continuing mytravels--not to seek other, better teachings, for I know there are none, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach my goal by myself or to die. But often,I'll think of this day, oh exalted one, and of this hour, when my eyes beheld a holy man."
The Buddha's eyes quietly looked to the ground; quietly, in perfect equanimity his inscrutable face was smiling.
"I wish," the venerable one spoke slowly, "that your thoughts shall not be in error, that you shall reach the goal! But tell me: Have you seen the multitude of my Samanas, mymany brothers, who have taken refuge in the teachings? And do you believe, oh stranger, oh Samana, do you believe that it would be better for them all the abandon the teachingsand to return into the life the world and of desires?"
"Far is such a thought from my mind," exclaimed Siddhartha. "I wish that they shall all stay with the teachings, that they shall reach their goal! It is not my place to judgeanother person's life. Only for myself, for myself alone, I must decide, I must chose, I must refuse. Salvation from the self is what we Samanas search for, oh exalted one. If Imerely were one of your disciples, oh venerable one, I'd fear that it might happen to me that only seemingly, only deceptively my self would be calm and be redeemed, but that intruth it would live on and grow, for then I had replaced my self with the teachings, my duty to follow you, my love for you, and the community of the monks!"
With half of a smile, with an unwavering openness and kindness, Gotama looked into the stranger's eyes and bid him to leave with a hardly noticeable gesture.
"You are wise, oh Samana.", the venerable one spoke."You know how to talk wisely, my friend. Be aware of too much wisdom!"
The Buddha turned away, and his glance and half of a smile remained forever etched in Siddhartha's memory.
I have never before seen a person glance and smile, sit and walk this way, he thought; truly, I wish to be able to glance and smile, sit and walk this way, too, thus free, thusvenerable, thus concealed, thus open, thus child-like and mysterious. Truly, only a person who has succeeded in reaching the innermost part of his self would glance and walkthis way. Well so, I also will seek to reach the innermost part of my self.

席特哈爾塔說:“最最可敬的活佛呀，你的教誨有一點我最欽佩。你所講的一切都十分清楚，確鑿無疑，你把世界當作一圈完美無缺的、永遠不會斷裂的鏈子展示給大家，一圈由原因和結果連接而成的永恆的鏈子。從來沒有誰闡釋得這麼清楚，這麼無可辯駁。婆羅門聽了你的教誨，把世界看成完美的關聯體，沒有缺陷，透明得像一塊水晶，不依賴於偶然，不從屬於神靈，他的心會在身體內跳動得更加實在。這個世界到底是好還是壞，塵世的生活到底是煩惱還是歡樂，這很可能還是懸而未決的，也可能是並不重要的——但是，這個世界的和諧統一，一切事物的相互關聯，大大小小的事物都包含在同一潮流之中，都遵循着產生、發展和死亡的同一規律，這些都已經被你的偉大教誨闡明瞭，活佛。不過，按照你的教誨，萬物的這種統一性和連貫性卻在一個地方斷開了，某種陌生的東西，某種新的東西，某種以前沒有的、不能顯示和不能證明的東西，通過這個小縫涌入了這個統一的世界。那就是你的關於超越塵世、獲得拯救的教誨。由於這個小縫，由於這個小小的斷裂，整個永恆和統一的世界法則又破裂和解體了。活佛，但願你能原諒我冒昧地講出這番不同的意見。”
戈塔馬靜靜地聽他說，一動不動，然後，活佛用他那仁慈、禮貌而又清晰的聲音說道:“哦，婆羅門之子，難得你聽了我講經之後作出這麼深入的思考。你從中發現了一道裂縫，一個缺陷。但願你能對此繼續思考。可是，好學的人，你要警惕衆說紛紜和無謂的爭論。問題並不在於有各種各樣的意見，它們可以是美的或醜的，可是聰明的或愚蠢的，每個人都可以擁護或抵制它們。你從我這兒聽到的道理並不是我的意見，其目的也不是給好學的人解釋這個世界。它的目的是另外的東西，是爲了擺脫痛苦。這就是戈塔馬所講的內容，豈有它哉!”
“噢，活佛，但願你別生我的氣。”年輕人說，“我剛纔那麼，不是要跟你爭論，進行無謂的言詞之爭。你講的確實有道理，問題並不在於有各種各樣的意見。不過，請讓我再說明這一點:我從來就沒懷疑過你。我沒有懷疑過你是活佛，你達到了目的，那個成千上萬婆羅讓和婆羅門子弟正在追求的最高目的。你已經擺脫了死亡。這是由於你自己的探索，按照你自己的途徑，通過思索，通過潛修，通過認識，通過領悟，然後才獲得的，而不是通過講經達到的!哦，活佛，這就是我的想法——沒有誰能通過講經獲得解脫!哦，尊敬的活佛，你無法用話語和講經來告訴別人，在你大徹大悟的時候發生了什麼!大徹大悟的活佛的教誨包含着許多內容，它教會人們正直地生活，不去做壞事。但是，有一點卻沒有包含在如此清楚、如此可敬的講經之中:它沒有包含活佛本人親身經歷的祕密，在千千萬萬人當中他一個人經歷的祕密。這就是我在聽你講經時想到和認識一牟。這就是我要繼續去漫遊的原因 倒不是爲了去尋求另一種更好的學說，因爲我知道並沒有那樣的學說，而是爲了拋開一種學說和老師，獨自去實現我的目標，或是死去。但我會常常想到這一天，活佛，想到這一時刻，因爲我親眼見到了一位聖賢。”
活佛的眼睛平靜地注視着地面，他那玄妙莫測的面孔顯現出完美無瑕的恬靜。
活佛慢悠悠地說:“但願你的想法並無差訛，但願你能達到目的!可是請告訴我，你是否見到了我那一大羣信徒，我那許多兄弟，而他們已信奉了我的學說?素不相識的沙門呀，你是否相信拋開學說，回到世俗生活和情慾生活中去，對他們所有人會更好一些?”
“這樣一種想法離我太遠了!”席特哈爾塔叫道，“但願他們全都信奉你的學說，但願他們都達到自己的目標!我可沒有權利對別人的生活作出評判!我僅僅需要對我，對我自己一個人作出判斷。我必須選擇，我必須取捨。我們沙門尋求自我解脫，活佛。假如我是你的一名弟子，可敬的活佛，那麼，我會擔心發生這樣的情況:我的自我只是表面上虛假地得到安寧的解脫，實際上它卻繼續存在並且變大，因爲那樣我就會有學說，有追隨者，有我對你的愛，使僧侶集體成爲我的自我!”
戈塔馬似笑非笑，懷着不可動搖的清醒和友好注視着這個陌生人的眼睛，然後做了個幾乎看不出來的手勢，向他告別。
“你很聰明，沙門。”活佛說，“你講話很聰明，我的朋友，只是要當心千萬別聰明得過了頭!”
活佛走了，他的目光和似笑非笑的表情卻永遠刻在了席特哈爾塔特哈爾塔的記憶中。
他想，我還從來沒見到過有誰能這樣看人和微笑，這樣端坐和走路呢。我真希望自己也能這樣看人和微笑，這樣端坐和走路，這樣自由自在，這樣肅然可敬，這樣深沉，這樣坦誠，這樣單純又充滿神祕。只有進入了自我深處的人，才真正能這樣看人和走路。好吧，我也要設法進入自我的內心最深徵!
席特哈爾塔心想，我總算是見到了一個人，一個我在他面前不得不抵垂眼簾的人。在別人面前我不會垂下眼簾，決不會，因爲就連這個人的學說都沒能吸引我，更何況別人的呢?這個活佛剝奪了我，席特哈爾塔心想，活佛剝奪了我，可是同時他又給了我更多。他奪去了我的朋友，這個朋友原來聽我的，現在卻相信他，原來是我的影子，現在卻成了他的影子。不過，他把席特哈爾塔，也就是我自己，送給了我。