名著精讀:《悉達多》 覺醒(1)

AWAKENing
When Siddhartha left the grove, where the Buddha, the perfected one, stayed behind, where Govinda stayed behind, then he felt that in this grove his past life also stayed behind and parted from him. He pondered about this sensation, which filled him completely, as he was slowly walking along. He pondered deeply, like diving into a deep water he let himself sink down to the ground of the sensation, down to the place where the causes lie, because to identify the causes, so it seemed to him, is the very essence of thinking, and by this alone sensations turn into realizations and are not lost, but become entities and start to emit like rays of light what is inside of them.
Slowly walking along, Siddhartha pondered. He realized that he was no youth any more, but had turned into a man. He realized that one thing had left him, as a snake is left by its old skin, that one thing no longer existed in him, which had accompanied him throughout his youth and used to be a part of him: the wish to have teachers and to listen to teachings. He had also left the last teacher who had appeared on his path, even him, the highest and wisest teacher, the most holy one, Buddha, he had left him, had to part with him, was not able to accept his teachings.
Slower, he walked along in his thoughts and asked himself: "But what is this, what you have sought to learn from teachings and from teachers, and what they, who have taught you much, were still unable to teach you?" And he found: "It was the self, the purpose and essence of which I sought to learn. It was the self, I wanted to free myself from, which I sought to overcome. But I was not able to overcome it, could only deceive it, could only flee from it, only hide from it. Truly, no thing in this world has kept my thoughts thus busy, as this my very own self, this mystery of me being alive, of me being one and being separated and isolated from all others, of me being Siddhartha! And there is no thing in this world I know less about than about me, about Siddhartha!"
Having been pondering while slowly walking along, he now stopped as these thoughts caught hold of him, and right away another thought sprang forth from these, a new thought, which was: "That I know nothing about myself, that Siddhartha has remained thus alien and unknown to me, stems from one cause, a single cause: I was afraid of myself, I was fleeing from myself! I searched Atman, I searched Brahman, I was willing to to dissect my self and peel off all of its layers, to find the core of all peels in its unknown interior, the Atman, life, the divine part, the ultimate part. But I have lost myself in the process."
Siddhartha opened his eyes and looked around, a smile filled his face and a feeling of awakening from long dreams flowed through him from his head down to his toes. And it was not long before he walked again, walked quickly like a man who knows what he has got to do.
"Oh," he thought, taking a deep breath, "now I would not let Siddhartha escape from me again! No longer, I want to begin my thoughts and my life with Atman and with the suffering of the world. I do not want to kill and dissect myself any longer, to find a secret behind the ruins. Neither Yoga-Veda shall teach me any more, nor Atharva-Veda, nor the ascetics, nor any kind of teachings. I want to learn from myself, want to be my student, want to get to know myself, the secret of Siddhartha."

覺醒
當席特哈爾塔離開活佛以及戈文達所在的林苑時，他覺得自己把以前的生活也留在身後，與之徹底分手了。他慢慢地走着，邊走邊累索這種充滿了他身心的感受。他沉思着，就好像潛過一片深水，讓自己沉到這種感覺的底部，一直沉到根由所在之處，因爲他覺得思考就能認識到根由，感覺只有這樣才能上升爲認識，不至於迷途，而是掌握本質，並且開始放射出內在的光彩。
席特哈爾塔邊沉思邊緩緩地前行。他發覺自己已不再是年輕的小夥子，而是一個成年男子 漢了。他發覺有一樣東西已離開了他，就像蛇蛻下了一層老皮似的，有一樣東西在他身上已不復存在，而那正是陪伴了他整個青少年時代並一直屬於他的東西，那就是拜師求教的願望。在他的前進道路上出現的最後一個老師，那個最高貴、最聰明的老螬，也就是那位活佛，已經離開了他。他不得不與他分道揚鑣，不能再接受他的教誨了。
這個思索者走得更慢了，邊走邊問自己:“你原來想通過聆聽教誨從老師那兒學到的東西到底是什麼呢?曾經給過你許多教誨的人卻無法教給你的東西又是什麼呢?”他認爲，“那是自我，我要學的就是自我的意義和本質。我要擺脫和克服的就是自我。但是我沒能克服它，只能蒙哄它，只能避開它，只能躲起來。真的，世上萬物中只有這個自我讓我費盡了心思，也就是這個謎:我活着，我是一個人，與其他所有人都不同，我是席特哈爾塔!我對世上萬物瞭解得遠比對我自己、對席特哈爾塔更多!”
這個緩緩前行的思考者停下了腳步，完全陷入這想法之中，接着，從這個想法又冒出了另一個想法，一個新想法，那就是:“我對自己一無所知，對席特哈爾塔極爲，陌生，很不瞭解，其原因只有一個:我害怕自己，迴避自己!我尋求阿特曼，我尋求婆羅門，我情願分割和剝離自我，以便在不爲人所知的內心深處找到一切皮肉的內在覈心，也就是找到阿特曼，找到生活，找到神性，找到最終的東西，而自我卻迷失不見了。”
席特哈爾塔睜開眼睛，環顧四周，臉上露出了笑容，一種從悠悠長夢中醒來的感覺傳遍他全身，一直傳到了腳趾。他又邁開步子，快跑起來，正如一個知道自己要去做什麼的男子漢。
“哦，”他深深地吸了一口氣，心想，“現在我不再讓席特哈爾塔逃脫我了!我不再以阿特曼和塵世的煩惱來開始我的思考和生活了。我不願再殺戮和分割自己，以便在殘骸後面發現一個祕密了。我不想再學《耶柔吠陀》，不想再學《阿闥婆吠陀》，不想再當苦行僧，也不想再信奉什麼學說了。我要向自個兒學，當個小學生，瞭解我自己，瞭解席特哈爾塔的祕密。”