名著精讀:《悉達多》 在河邊(6)

"Things are going downhill with you!" he said to himself, and laughed about it, and as he was saying it, he happened to glance at the river, and he also saw the river going downhill, always moving on downhill, and singing and being happy through it all. He liked this well, kindly he smiled at the river. Was this not the river in which he had intended to drown himself, in past times, a hundred years ago, or had he dreamed this?
Wondrous indeed was my life, so he thought, wondrous detours it has taken. As I boy, I had only to do with gods and offerings. As a youth, I had only to do with asceticism, with thinking and meditation, was searching for Brahman, worshipped the eternal in the Atman. But as a young man, I followed the penitents, lived in the forest, suffered of heat and frost, learned to hunger, taught my body to become dead. Wonderfully, soon afterwards, insight came towards me in the form of the great Buddha's teachings, I felt the knowledge of the oneness of the world circling in me like my own blood. But I also had to leave Buddha and the great knowledge. I went and learned the art of love with Kamala, learned trading with Kamaswami, piled up money, wasted money, learned to love my stomach, learned to please my senses. I had to spend many years losing my spirit, to unlearn thinking again, to forget the oneness. Isn't it just as if I had turned slowly and on a long detour from a man into a child, from a thinker into a childlike person? And yet, this path has been very good; and yet, the bird in my chest has not died. But what a path has this been! I had to pass through so much stupidity, through so much vices, through so many errors, through so much disgust and disappointments and woe, just to become a child again and to be able to start over. But it was right so, my heart says "Yes" to it, my eyes smile to it. I've had to experience despair, I've had to sink down to the most foolish one of all thoughts, to the thought of suicide, in order to be able to experience divine grace, to hear Om again, to be able to sleep properly and awake properly again. I had to become a fool, to find Atman in me again. I had to sin, to be able to live again. Where else might my path lead me to? It is foolish, this path, it moves in loops, perhaps it is going around in a circle. Let it go as it likes, I want to to take it.
Wonderfully, he felt joy rolling like waves in his chest.
Wherever from, he asked his heart, where from did you get this happiness? Might it come from that long, good sleep, which has done me so good? Or from the word Om, which I said? Or from the fact that I have escaped, that I have completely fled, that I am finally free again and am standing like a child under the sky? Oh how good is it to have fled, to have become free! How clean and beautiful is the air here, how good to breathe! There, where I ran away from, there everything smelled of ointments, of spices, of wine, of excess, of sloth. How did I hate this world of the rich, of those who revel in fine food, of the gamblers! How did I hate myself for staying in this terrible world for so long! How did I hate myself, have deprive, poisoned, tortured myself, have made myself old and evil! No, never again I will, as I used to like doing so much, delude myself into thinking that Siddhartha was wise! But this one thing I have done well, this I like, this I must praise, that there is now an end to that hatred against myself, to that foolish and dreary life! I praise you, Siddhartha, after so many years of foolishness, you have once again had an idea, have done something, have heard the bird in your chest singing and have followed it!

“你在往下走啦！”他喃喃自語道，邊說邊笑，邊說邊把目光投向河面，看見河水也在往下流，不斷地往下流，吟唱着歡快地往下流。他很高興，朝河水親切地微笑。這不就是曾經想溺死自己的那條河麼？那是在一百年前，還是他在夢中見過？
我的生活確實古怪，他想，走過了奇怪的彎路。少年時，我只知道敬神和祭祀。青年時，我只知道苦行、思考和潛修，探索婆羅門，崇拜阿特曼之中的永恆。作爲青年人，我仿效那些懺悔者，生活在森林裏，忍受酷暑與嚴寒，學會捱餓，教自己的身體麻木。接着，那位活佛的教誨又奇妙地啓迪了我，我感到關於世界統一性的認識又在我體內猶如自身的血液一樣循環不已。可是，後來我又不得不離開了活佛以及他那偉大的真知。我走了，去向卡瑪拉學習愛之歡樂，跟卡馬斯瓦密學做買賣，積攢金錢，揮霍金錢，學着嬌慣自己的腸胃，學着迎合自己的感官。我就是這樣混了好多年，喪失了精神，又荒疏了思考，忘掉了統一性。就好像我慢慢繞了個大彎，從一個男子漢又變成了孩子，從一個思索者又變成了孩子般的俗人，不正是這樣麼？這條路也曾經美好過，我胸中的鳥兒並沒有死去。然而，這又是怎樣的一條路哇！我經歷了那麼多的蠢事，那麼多的罪惡，那麼多的錯誤，那麼多的噁心、失望和苦惱，只是爲了重新成爲一個孩子，以便從新開始。但這顯然是正確的，我的心贊成，我的眼睛爲此而歡笑。我經歷了絕望，甚至墮入了最最愚蠢的想法，也就是自殺的想法，以便能得到寬大，重新聽到“唵”，重新睡得好並且適時地醒來。爲了能在我心中重新找到阿特曼，我不得不成爲一個傻瓜。爲了能重新生活，我不得不犯下罪孽。我的路還會把我引向何處？這條路怪里怪氣，它繞着8字形，也許是在兜圈子。隨它怎麼走吧，我願意順着它走下去。
他奇異地感到自己的胸中快樂在翻騰。
他捫心自問：你這種快樂從何而來？也許它來自這次使我十分愜意的長長的酣睡？或是來自我念出的那個“唵”字？或是來自我的逃遁，我終於逃脫了，重新自由了，像一個孩子站在了藍天下？哦，這樣擺脫了羈絆、這樣自由自在是多麼美好！這兒的空氣是多麼純淨、美好，呼吸起來是多麼暢快！而在我逃離的那個地方，一切都散發出油膏、香料、美酒、奢侈和懶散的氣味。我是多麼憎惡那個有錢人、饕餮者和賭徒的世界啊！我是多麼憎恨我自己，恨自己在那個可惡的世界裏待了這麼久啊！我是多麼憎恨自己，掠奪自己，毒害自己，折磨自己，使得自己又老又壞啊！不，我永遠也不會再像那樣自以爲席特哈爾塔聰明過人了！但這次我確實幹得漂亮，我很滿意，我要讚美，我終於結束了對自己的憎恨，結束了荒唐、無聊的生活！我讚美你，席特哈爾塔，在經過了多年的愚昧之後，你終於又有了一個想法，做了一點事，聽見了胸中那隻鳥兒的啼鳴，並且隨它而去！