別了中國 我女兒們的故鄉啊

A little more than 16 years ago, a newborn infant was left by the side of a Chinese road in winter, and thus began my love affair with her, and with her homeland.

16年前的冬天，一個初生的女嬰被遺棄在中國的路邊，我對她和她祖國的愛也由此發源。

It hasn’t all been unadulterated bliss in either of my relationships — that with my adopted Chinese daughter Grace (and her Chinese sister Lucy), and with the country that could not keep them. But I am in this for the long haul: Grace and Lucy, now 16 and 15, are my forever children. And China will forever be their motherland.

我們之間的關係也並非盡善盡美——不論是我與我的中國養女Grace（還有她的中國妹妹Lucy），還是我與那個無法收容她們的國家。但我卻一直篤信：Grace和Lucy（今年分別爲16歲和15歲），永遠是我的孩子。而中國將永遠是她們的祖國。

However many times they may renew their American passports, however many US elections they vote in, however many US driver’s licences they will procure, a part of them will be forever China. And a part of me will be, too.

無論她們的美國護照更換多少回，無論她們爲美國大選投過多少次票，無論她們會獲得多少本美國駕照，她們的一部分將永遠是中國的。我的一部分也將如是。

I moved our family to China in 2008 to honour that Chinese part of all of us. Lucky for me, the Financial Times had offered me a job in Shanghai that made this possible. And thus began the great Waldmeir Sinicisation project. My plan was to take two kids who became accidental Americans in the instant that I adopted them, and teach them how to be Chinese in China. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.

2008年，我將全家搬到中國，爲了我們身上屬於中國的那一部分。我很幸運，英國《金融時報》(Financial Times)給了我一份上海的工作讓這一切如願以償。於是開啓了沃德米爾漢化計劃(Waldmeir Sinicisation project)。我打算教會這兩個因被我收養而意外成爲美國人的孩子如何在中國做中國人。當時這個想法似乎很不錯。

Now, eight years later, our family is heading back to America, each to a greater or lesser degree a Sinophile. After so many years in China, one of us has lost her taste for American food, distinctly preferring noodles to burgers; another loves speaking Mandarin and will really miss the chance to practise her tones back home, and the third says she “never really left America in the first place”.

而今，8年過去了，我們家又準備返回美國。我們每個家庭成員都或多或少懷有中國情結。在中國生活這麼多年後，我們中的一員已然對美國食品興致全無，愛麪條遠勝漢堡；另一位愛說漢語普通話並將徹底錯過回家練習英語口語的機會，還有一位則稱：她“根本未曾真正離開過美國”。

I will not reveal which of us is which. But I sometimes think the most Chinese person in our family is lily-white, Italo-German-Swiss-American me.

以上各指，恕不言明。但我有時卻覺得，在我家最像中國人的那個，反倒是我這個白皮膚的，有着意大利、德國、瑞士血統的美國人。

My kids might be Chinese by birth but by temperament they are 100 per cent American teen, by which I mean they think Mom is never right about anything. So they were never particularly onboard with us re-enacting the Chinese version of Roots . But when we arrived, they were only 7 and 8 — still young enough to drag around from the dog-eating provinces of the south to the ice castles of the north, hoping that a flavour of their homeland would sink deep into their bones, by osmosis.

我的孩子們或許生來是中國人，但在性情上她們是百分之百的美國青少年，比如她們認爲媽媽從來沒有對過。所以她們從未十分贊同由我們重演中國版的《根》(Roots)。然而，我們剛到中國時，她們一個只有7歲，另一個只有8歲——那時她們還小，我可以帶她們四處遊覽，從吃狗肉的南方省份到北方的冰雪城堡，以期她們祖國的風土人情在潛移默化中浸透她們的骨血。

With hindsight, it might have been better to skip the trip, when they were 10 and 11, to that town in Guizhou province where every restaurant serves only dog meat. Grace hid in the car the whole time and Lucy has never let me forget that the first thing she saw, upon entering Xiao Hong’s dog diner, was a wok full of simmering puppy paws. Sometimes I took the cultural authenticity thing a step too far, and few Chinese eat dog these days anyway.

事後看來，那次貴州小鎮之旅還不如不去，那時她們一個10歲一個11歲，那裏的每家飯館只賣狗肉。Grace一直躲在車裏，而Lucy從未讓我忘記她踏進小紅狗肉館看到的第一幕，一口滿是燉狗蹄的大鍋。有時我過於追求文化的真實性，畢竟現今吃狗肉的中國人只是少數。

I might have had more luck in teaching them to love China if I had stuck to bribing them with dumplings, bootleg DVDs and their own private stash of fireworks with which to risk blowing their arms off at lunar new year. That is something they wouldn’t get back home.

如果我堅持拿餃子、盜版DVD、及她們私藏的在農曆新年可能炸掉她們胳膊的鞭炮去討好她們的話，我在教育她們去愛中國時會幸運得多。那些東西她們回到美國可得不到。

My goal was to give them access to the culture, the values, and most of all the language that goes along with the faces they were born with.

我的初衷是，讓她們接觸中國文化、中國價值觀、特別是和她們與生俱來的面孔相匹配的中國語言。

I think I have done that, but only time will tell whether doing so has bred in them an enduring love for their motherland — or put them off it forever.

我想我做到了，但唯有時間才能證明，這樣做是會令她們產生對中國持久的愛——還是會適得其反。

But at 15 and 16, the choice is theirs now. I have finished trying to teach them how to be Chinese in China. Now it’s time for them to teach themselves to be Chinese in America. I am not sure I envy them that prospect, at a time when ethnicity is such a Trump-touchy subject but I am quite certain they don’t want my advice on how to manage it.

而如今她們已年滿15歲和16歲，選擇權已在她們自己。我已不再嘗試教她們如何在中國做中國人。現在輪到她們教自己如何在美國做中國人。我不確定自己是否羨慕她們的前景——現在種族已成爲一個“特朗普敏感話題”(Trump-touchy subject)——但我十分確定她們不用我來建議該如何應對。

And then very soon they will be all grown up and living in a two-power world where they will have a foot in each camp. Maybe they will thank me for that; maybe they will hate me for it, or maybe they just plain won’t care. Perhaps I will be long gone by the time they even make up their minds about all this. Maybe these two lost daughters of China will only grow into their Chineseness over decades.

很快她們都將長大成人，生活在一個兩大強國並立的世界，並與這兩個國家都有淵源。她們或許會因此感謝我，或許會因此埋怨我，又或許根本不在乎。可能多年以後我不在了，她們纔會對這一切有所判斷。也許數十載以後，這兩個中國遺孤的身上纔會具有她們的中國性。

But it won’t take me that long: already there is a corner of my foreign heart that will be forever China. I only hope that I won’t always be the most Chinese member of the family.

但對我而言，這個過程不會那麼漫長：我這個外國人的內心裏有一個角落將永遠屬於中國。我只希望自己不會總是我們家最像中國人的那個。