兩性關係:女士們,當心暴力男友
NINGNING (an alias) was hesitant before her wedding. The nurse, who works in Beijing, says her fiance, a tour guide, was generally kind and charming during the two years they dated, except for one thing: Occasionally he would become violent.
寧寧(別名)在婚禮前猶豫不決。這位護士，在北京工作，說她的未婚夫，一名導遊，在他們約會的兩年裏通常是善良迷人的，除了一點：偶爾他會變得暴力。
Ningning became alerted for the first time when the two were furnishing their newly bought apartment. One day an argument escalated into a violent confrontation. Her fiance suddenly shoved her to the ground. Feeling shocked and humiliated, Ningning ran away, crying all her way home.
寧寧第一次警醒是當他們兩個裝飾他們新買的公寓時。一天一場爭論升級爲暴力衝突。她未婚夫突然猛地把她推到地上。感到震驚和羞辱，寧寧跑了，一路哭着回到她家。
That evening, her fiance apologized to her profusely, swearing to never do it again. Ningning, seeing regret in his eyes, forgave him.
那天晚上，她未婚夫一再向她道歉，發誓永遠不會再這樣做。寧寧看見他眼中的悔意，原諒了他。
So it began a cycle of violence followed by apologies.
所以它開始了一場暴力之後是道歉的循環。
Ningning was still in love with him, but she was not sure about marrying a man who gave her roses and bruises at the same time.
寧寧還愛着他，但她不確定是否要嫁給一個同時給她玫瑰和瘀傷的男人。
"Ningning was a victim of a kind of domestic violence, dating violence, which does not get as much public and media attention as date rape," says Sun Jue, executive director of Half The Sky Public Education, a Hong Kong-based commonweal organization.
“寧寧是這種家庭暴力的一個受害者，約會暴力不像約會強姦那樣得到公衆和媒體那麼多的注意，”孫珏說，半邊天公共教育的執行董事，一個總部位於香港的公益組織。
One explanation is that people, especially those with limited dating experience, have very little knowledge of what constitutes healthy dating behavior, says Sun.
一種解釋：特別是那些有着有限約會經驗的人基本上不知道健康的約會行爲由什麼構成，孫說。
Wang Xiying, a sociologist with the Beijing Normal University, has studied dating violence among Beijing's young adults since 2004. She says the violence usually occurs when one partner tries to take control in the relationship through abuse.
王喜英，北京師範大學的社會學家，自2004年以來一直在研究北京年輕人中的約會暴力。她說暴力通常發生在一方試圖在戀愛中通過暴力來掌控。
"Sometimes, the violent behavior is small and subtle, but it may grow into bigger problems," Wang says. "When it takes place, a clear message of NO must be given."
“有時，這些暴力行爲小而細微，但它可能會發展成大問題，”王說。“當它發生時，沒有一個“不”的明確信息必須被賦予。”
Dating violence is often hidden. That does not necessarily have to involve physical abuse, according to experts. It can take various forms, such as verbal abuse or checking other person's cellphone or e-mail without permission. It may also be sexual: unwanted touching and kissing, or demanding sex.
約會暴力通常是隱藏的。據專家說，這並不必然涉及到身體虐待。它可以採取多種形式，比如口頭虐待或未經許可檢查對方的手機或電子郵件。它也可能是性方面的：不情願的接觸和親吻，或者要求性關係。
Wang's study found that men and women both can be victims of dating violence. Women tend to use verbal aggression, whereas men are more prone to physical attacks.
王的研究發現男性和女性都可能成爲約會暴力的受害者。女性傾向於言語攻擊，而男性更傾向於身體攻擊。
Recent studies in the United States show that although adolescent males and females do not differ in overall frequency of violence in dating relationships, young women experience much higher levels of severe violence and are more physically and emotionally traumatized. Some are killed by their partners.
在美國最近的研究表明，儘管青少年男女在戀愛關係中整體的暴力頻率不同，年輕女性經歷着更嚴重的暴力，身心更受傷。一些還被他們的伴侶殺害。Official statistics on dating violence do not exist in China, although domestic violence figures are readily available. According to a survey conducted by All-China Women's Federation in 2011, one out of four married women in China has experienced family violence.
約會暴力的官方數據在中國不存在，雖然家庭暴力的數據是現成的。根據全國婦女聯合會2011年進行的一項調查顯示，1/4的中國已婚婦女經歷過家庭暴力。
Wang notices that there is a tendency that Chinese people started dating at a younger age. Many young lovers don't really know how to handle their anger and anxieties so they use violence as an outlet for their negative emotions.
王注意到一種傾向，中國人在年輕時開始約會。許多年輕的情侶們真的不知道如何處理自己的憤怒和焦慮，所以他們使用暴力作爲他們負面情緒的一種發泄。
Dating violence has serious consequences, according to experts. The victim can become depressed, anxious, fearful, or even suicidal.
約會暴力會有嚴重的後果，根據專家。受害人可能變得壓抑、焦慮、恐懼，甚至自殺。
Once dating violence happens, there are a few sensible ways people can respond, says Huo Liqin, a psychologist with Peking University.
一旦約會暴力發生，有一些明智的方法人們可以應對，霍莉欽說，北京大學的一位心理學家。
"It is imperative that two parties in the relationship to have a quality talk right after the first instance when they still have feelings for each other," says Huo.
“當務之急是當他們仍然對彼此有感覺的那一刻戀愛中的雙方有一場高質量的談話，”霍說。
A three-step communication method may help:
一個三步交流方法可以有幫助：
First, the two people involved should share their feelings, says Huo. "Tell your partner how shocked and heartbroken you are. If there are uncertainties about the relationship, you should tell your partner as well."
首先，兩個人應該分享他們的感受，霍說。“告訴你的伴侶你是多麼震驚和悲傷。如果關於戀愛有不確定，你應該告訴你的伴侶。”
Second, it is important for the abuser to talk. The victim needs to be a good listener at this point and try to pinpoint what made their partner so angry, Huo says. For example, a quarrel may start over the furniture but the girl moves to say she is very disappointed with the boy's low-paid job. And that may be the straw leading to the outburst.
第二，施虐者說話是很重要的。受害者需要是一個好的傾聽者在這一點上，試圖找出是什麼讓他們的伴侶這麼生氣，霍說。例如，爭吵可能會從傢俱開始，但女孩會轉而說到她對男孩低薪的工作非常失望。而且這可能是導致爆發的那根稻草。
Third, the two should find a way to avoid escalating arguments and preventing abuse. For example, when the boy is very angry and on verge of explosion, he could make a gesture to the girl. The girl then, receiving the signal, should stop talking. Or, when the girl finds his boyfriend looks very angry and about to attack, leave the room. They can get back to discussion after calming down.
第三，兩個人應該找到一個方法來避免爭論升級和防止濫用暴力。例如，當男孩很生氣並處在爆炸的邊緣，他可以向女孩做一個手勢。這個女孩然後，接收到信號，應該停止說話。或者，當女孩發現他的男朋友看起來很生氣，要攻擊時，離開房間。他們可以平靜之後回到討論。
Huo pointed that those with violent tendencies are often poor communicators. "They can't convince their partner see things the way they do. They get angry and attack," she says. "It is important for the victim to listen, and help the abuser improve their communication skills. Otherwise, when they have children, he may be abusive to them."
霍指出那些暴力傾向者常常是可憐的傳播者。“他們無法說服伴侶看待事物的方式。他們變得生氣和攻擊，”她說。“對受害者來說傾聽很重要，幫助施虐者提高他們的交流技巧。否則，當他們有了孩子，他可能會虐待他們。”
