17種噁心到吐的社交網絡更新
1. Declarations of love that don’t ever need to declare: “I love my daughter sooo much.
沒必要的愛的宣告：“我好愛我的女兒啊。”
Analysis: They feel the need to convince someone like themselves, or perhaps felt a pang of love and instead of telling the beloved, they felt the whole world should be in on it. Once, a friend of mine posted, “I hate my kid. Sorry to offend you, but he’s a little bastard and I’m sick of him.” Obviously it was a joke, but 141 people felt the need to tell him what a bad parent he was.
分析：這些人是不是覺得非得讓別人知道自己有多喜歡誰，他們可能覺得堅守這份愛有些苦悶，你倒是告訴你愛的人啊，滿世界嚷嚷算什麼意思啊？有一次我的朋友發了這樣一篇：“我討厭我孩子，如果讓你不爽我很抱歉，但他真的是個小混蛋，我太討厭他了。”很明顯他開個玩笑罷了，不過141個傢伙在下面留言說他實在是個不稱職的父親……
2. Mundane details about their day appearing as milestones: “Going to dinner and a movie!!!”
普普通通的生活細節，非要當成里程碑一樣的大事：“去吃了晚飯，還看了電影！！！”
Analysis: A very boring life.
分析：這樣的日子真無聊。
3. Giving details about health along with emoticon to verify feelings about it: “Feeling sick today :("
發身體情況的細節，還要加個表情符號證實自己說的沒錯：“今天感覺病怏怏的:(”
Analysis: Bored, and too stupid to just play Words with Friends.
分析：這人也被無聊逼的，和朋友玩文字遊戲你都不夠格，你這個蠢貨。
4. Emotional rant directed at no one in particular, but so specific that everyone knows they’ve been screwed over: “Never trust people who tell you they will pick you up at 6 just to make you wait an hour. Some people will never be mature enough to be in a relationship, so maybe they should be dumped.”
情緒激動的怒罵，看似不針對某人，其實大家都知道他倆完了：“永遠別相信一個說6點鐘來接你，結果讓你苦等了1個小時的傢伙。有些人永遠沒辦法像成熟的人一樣談戀愛，也許他們活該被甩。”
Analysis: Well, they can’t really give the person’s name or address them directly. That would be too honest.
分析：咳，這人就是不指名道姓，也不該當着對方的面直接說。
5. Pictures of feet.
拍腳的照片
Analysis: I have no idea why people do this. It’s weird.
分析：我不知道爲什麼有人要這麼做。太奇怪了。
6. Pictures of mundane plates of food in front of them.
一盤擺在面前普普通通的菜
Analysis: "I’m eating. You have to see what I’m eating!" Well, maybe it looked better at the restaurant.
分析：“我在吃飯噠，你要看我在吃嬸Mua!”沒準餐館裏的真貨要比你拍的還好看些。7. Dozens of trivial pictures of people and their new boyfriends/girlfriends smiling and posing.
一堆人的照片，要麼是張三李四，要麼是和男/女朋友擺出Pose微笑的照片。
Analysis: This is a very interesting phenomenon. I’ve looked at a lot of people’s Facebook albums. Women typically begin a relationship and immediately start accumulating evidence of it. The more insecure the woman, the more evidence there will be. She will begin posting them as default profile pics. In a couple of weeks, she will no longer have a profile pic with just her in it. Then she tags the boyfriend, and the tagged photos are often the only ones that the boyfriend has on his page. However, he is absolutely required to “like” all of them. You can tell how long a relationship will last by the difference in pics between the couple. If the woman has 30 and the man has 3 – it’s over in 3 months. You can also gage how invested in the relationship your female partner is by counting the pics. Anything over 10 should be a warning that she wants to marry you. Some people have over a hundred, which shows some serious desperation in providing evidence that, in fact, they are really together.
分析：這種有趣的現象值得一說。我（原文作者）翻過很多人的Facebook相冊了，一般來說，女人只要談戀愛，馬上就要發大量的證據。安全感越差，發的照片越多。開始的時候可能是默認的頭像，幾周以後，頭像照片就找不到只有她一個人的了，她會發兩人的合照，會把男友圈起來，她男友空間裏只有一張照片，沒錯，就是這張被她圈起來的照片。她頁面裏所有的照片男人都絕對要點贊。想知道兩人多久會分？看看照片數量的差距就知道。女人發了30張，男人發了3張——3個月分。女人有多少張照片，她對感情就有多投入。一旦超過10張，小心她產生“嫁給你好了”的想法。某些女士發的照片會超過100張，看來也是蠻拼的。
8. White girls wearing a lot of makeup and trying to strike a badass pose, sometimes making what they think are gang symbols.
女孩化濃妝比手勢的照片，其實都是黑幫手勢
Analysis: They wish they were badass, or at least half Chicano, but they’re just ridiculous.
分析：想盡方法裝酷，至少有那麼點其卡諾人的酷勁，但只是顯得可笑十足。
9. Persuasive proclamations of life being good: “I’m loving life right now.”
生活很美好之類的感人宣告：“我愛當下的生活。”
Analysis: Life is not good.
分析：日子過得不好纔會這麼說。10. Persuasive proclamations about God. “I feel blessed to be alive on this glorious day, and I owe it all to God. Make God your only Savior and you will never be sad.”
對神的感人告白：“能活得這麼好都是有您的庇佑，我的一切都歸於上帝。若將上帝作爲你唯一救星，永遠不會悲傷。”
Analysis: Religious people need to spend more time in church and less time on Facebook.
分析：如果你信宗教就多花點時間去教堂，花少點時間在Facebook上。
11. Updates about how much they drink and how excited they are to be drinking: "’s only 8:30 and look at us!! We’re already drunk!! LOL!"
喝了多少酒，喝了酒以後多麼興奮：“LOL……才8：30看看咱爺們！！爺們兒已經醉啦！！LOL!”
Analysis: “I’m having fun. I swear. I'm not an alcoholic. I just don't know any other way of self-proclaiming my sense of being cool.”
分析：“我挺開心，真的。我不是酒鬼，只是我不知道還有什麼別的方法表達我現在超爽的感覺了。”
12. Updates of mundane activities written as though they are jokes: “I had to stop and get gas and then wait an hour for a prescription. Then I lost my keys and couldn’t get back in my car. Hahaha.”
憋個段子寫些稀鬆平常的事情：“停車加油，又等了一個小時拿到處方。結果發現我把車鑰匙丟了，現在車也進不去。哈哈哈。”
Analysis: “It’s funny, right? Please say it’s funny.”
分析：“好笑嘛，嗯？請你告訴我哪好笑。”
13. Updates written as though the page-bearer never had an English class, not even in elementary school. “OK I went to the OMG the swag thing u know I ran into that girl my friends cousin and she LOL had a gold ring in her nose and she says hey u biggie I swear I almost loosed it right their hahahaha but she knew I had to go to”
好像從沒上過語言課，小學都沒上過的那種：“OK，我們去了，OMG，看那個晃來晃去的東西，跑過去那姑涼我朋友表弟，LOL，她鼻子上長了個房環，還說嘿大傢伙你好啊，我發誓我快用光了，現在他們的，哈哈哈哈哈，不過她很酷就是了，我得走了。”
Analysis: They failed English but finally found a way to express incomprehensible thoughts.
分析：這些人語言不過關，不過也算找到一種表達他們猜不透的想法的方法。
14. Quoted clichés from various thinkers: “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” –Unknown.
引用各種哲人的話：“愛過又失去總比從未愛過要好。”——未知哲人
Analysis: "I can’t think of anything amazing to say while I comfort myself, and I can’t find my iPod to quote some Lady Gaga."
分析：“我想安慰自己，但我又說不出很牛逼的話，我手頭沒有iPod，Lady Gaga說過的名言我也沒法引用。”15. Quoted song lyrics from really bad songwriters written as though it's philosophy: “I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into the flames, where I heard something’ die” –Adele
引用狗屁詞作者寫的破歌詞，奉做哲理：“我將大雨點燃，將我倆投進火焰，我聽見火焰裏傳來了死亡的聲音。——阿黛爾”
Analysis: “Adele is amazing! She is NOT a preconceived commercial scheme of the music industry. She’s not!”
分析：“阿黛爾真棒！她纔不是音樂產業商業計劃鏈中的一環。她不是！”
16. Political rants about random things: “Why should churches have to pay for abortions? Obama is a terrible president and a terrorist.”
不管什麼都扯上政治：“爲什麼教會要爲流產買單？奧巴馬作爲總統爛透了，簡直是恐怖分子。”
Analysis: I don’t know. I hate politics.
分析：其實我什麼都不懂，我只是討厭政治。
17. Unusual excitement about seeing someone: “OMG I can’t wait to see Lesley and Jaime and Kelly!!”
見到人特別興奮：“OMG，我迫不及待要見到Lesley、還有Jaime還有Kelly！！”
Analysis: Superficiality is the drug of the overabundance.
分析：膚淺是治療精力過剩的良藥。
