如何應對悲傷之方:尋求新體驗

When her husband died of cancer 10 years ago, Becky Aikman says she experienced grief and adapted to her loss -- but not in the way some people seemed to expect.

貝姬・艾克曼(Becky Aikman)說，10年前丈夫患癌去世時，她經歷了悲痛，後來也適應了丈夫的逝去――不過她的適應方式似乎不像有些人期待的那樣。

About a year after his death, when Ms. Aikman felt it was time to stArt rebuilding her life, she attended a widows support group meeting. She arrived and found a tissue box on each chair, she recalls. The group leader talked about the five stages of grief, each woman described her husband's death and everyone cried.

大約在丈夫去世一年後，艾克曼覺得是時候開始重建生活了，於是她參加了一個孀婦互助小組聚會。她回憶說，到達會場時她發現每張椅子上都放了一個紙巾盒。小組組長談論了悲傷的五個階段，每位女士介紹了各自丈夫去世的情況，接下來大家都開始哭泣。

Afterward, Ms. Aikman spoke to the leader and, pointing out that the group was called 'Moving Forward After Loss,' she asked, 'Couldn't we focus on the future or moving on?' He told her he didn't think she fit in and asked her not to return.

事後艾克曼與小組組長談了談。她指出，既然這個小組的名稱爲“失去親人後繼續前行，難道我們不能把注意力放在未來或往前看嗎？”後者的迴應是，他覺得她不適合該小組，讓她以後不要再去了。

'There is an expectation that a proper widow maintains this cliche of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow,' says Ms. Aikman, now 58 and living in Brooklyn, N.Y. 'She doesn't go out, doesn't laugh, doesn't date. The idea is that you have to do a penance almost, for years.'

艾克曼說：“人們期望一個得體的孀婦要維持永久悲傷的陳腐狀態。她要不出門，不放聲大笑，不約會。核心思想就是你要長年堅持苦修。”今年58歲的艾克曼現在生活在紐約布魯克林區。

Almost five decades after psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's 1969 book 'On Death and Dying,' the grieving process is still popularly understood to happen in five stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

在心理學家伊麗莎白・庫布勒-羅斯(Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)1969年的著作《論死亡和瀕臨死亡》(On Death and Dying)面世近50年後，悲傷過程依然被廣泛理解爲分成五個階段出現――否定、憤怒、討價還價、沮喪和接受。

But in recent years researchers and experts have found little evidence that these stages exist. People who bounce back after a death, divorce or other traumatic loss often don't follow this sequence. Instead, many of them strive to actively move forward.

然而，近些年研究者和專家們發現，能證明這些階段存在的證據少之又少。從親人去世、離婚或其他創傷性事件中恢復過來的人往往沒有遵循這一順序。反之，他們當中的許多人都努力積極向前。

'The traditional model of bereavement is that there is work to do,' says George Bonanno, a grief researcher and professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University's Teachers College, and the author of 'The Other Side of Sadness.' 'There has never really been any evidence for that.'

哥倫比亞大學(Columbia University)教育學院悲傷問題研究者、臨牀心理學教授喬治・博南諾(George Bonanno)說：“按照傳統模式，失去親人後你要做很多事來解脫，實際上從來沒有任何證據證明這一點。”博南諾博士也是《悲傷的另一面》(The Other Side of Sadness)一書的作者。

Each person's grieving is unique, of course. But in a 2002 study of older men and women who had lost spouses, Dr. Bonanno found that in 50% of the participants, the main symptoms of grief -- shock, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression -- had lifted within six months. 'The majority of people can function pretty soon afterward,' he says.

當然，每個人的悲傷都是獨特的。但在2002年一項針對失去配偶的年齡較大男女的研究中，博南諾博士發現，在50%的受試者中，悲傷的主要症狀――震驚、焦慮、侵入性想法和抑鬱――在六個月內消散了。他說：“事後大多數人都能很快恢復正常。”

Instead of five stages, Dr. Bonanno compares grief to a swinging pendulum. People get very upset and then feel better -- over and over again. A person may be crying and then suddenly laugh at a funny joke or memory. In time, the periods between pendulum swings get longer and gradually the pain subsides.

博南諾博士沒有將悲傷與五個階段聯繫在一起，而是將它比作搖晃的鐘擺。人們變得非常難過，然後又感覺好一些――如此周而復始。一個人可能會哭着哭着，突然因爲一個有趣的笑話或回憶而大笑起來。隨着時間的流逝，鐘擺擺動的間隔變得更長，慢慢地痛苦就平息了。

People often feel guilty about moving on, says Camille Wortman, professor of social and health psychology at Stony Brook University, in New York, whose research focuses on grief. 'This is why it doesn't work to just try and feel better,' she says.

紐約州立大學石溪分校(Stony Brook University) 主要研究悲傷問題的社會與健康心理學教授卡米爾・沃特曼(Camille Wortman)指出，人們常常會對放下過去往前看感到愧疚。她說：“這就是爲什麼努力讓自己感覺更好但沒有效果的原因。”

It's important to ask yourself, 'What matters most in my life at this time?' Dr. Wortman says, and then focus on the answer. It might be your children, your health, your job or a passion for music or art. 'Stay in touch with your values,' she says. 'This can activate positive emotion, which provides a respite from grief.'

沃特曼博士指出，重要的事情是，你要問自己“現在這個時候什麼是我生命中最重要的東西？”然後把注意力放在你的答案上――它或許是你的孩子、你的健康、你的工作，或許是你對音樂或藝術的熱愛。”她建議：“要常常想想你的價值觀念，這能激發出積極情緒，能幫助你從悲傷中解脫出來。”

The advice boils down to: Get out and try something fun. Psychologists call it 'behavioral activation.' The idea is that feeling bad can lead to a downward spiral: You stop going out, quit exercising, sleep poorly, gain weight. Doing enjoyable things can reverse this trend.

這些建議歸結起來是：走出去嘗試些有趣的東西，這被心理學家稱爲“行爲激活”。其理念是感覺糟糕會引發惡性循環：你不再出門，放棄鍛鍊，睡得不好，體重上升。做些令人愉快的事情可扭轉這種趨勢。

Steve Govoni has been widowed twice. After his first wife died in 1998, he read about how the stages of grief are like a slow climb out of a valley. Mr. Govoni had two small children and a demanding job as a supervisory analyst. 'Languishing in that valley wasn't a viable option, so I just soldiered on,' he says.

史蒂夫・戈沃尼(Steve Govoni)有過兩次喪偶經歷。在第一任妻子於1998年去世後，他讀了些書，講述的是經歷悲傷的各階段就像像慢慢爬出山谷。當時他的兩個孩子年齡尚小，而且他從事的管理分析師工作要求很嚴苛。他說：“在那個山谷中煎熬不是個可行的辦法，所以我就選擇了直面困難。”

In time, he met a wonderful woman and remarried. Then last March, his second wife died after an 18-month battle with cancer. This time, Mr. Govoni decided to tackle his grief head-on. He looked up old friends, took his son to Rangers games on his visits home from college and worked on enlarging his wife's gardens. He took his daughter to Broadway plays and volunteered as the photographer for her high-school drama productions.

後來，他遇到了一位非常不錯的女子，再次走進了婚姻。去年3月，在與癌症搏鬥了18個月後，他的第二任妻子也離世了。這一次，戈沃尼決定正面應對自己的悲傷。他去看望老朋友，帶大學放假回家的兒子去玩遊騎兵遊戲並動手擴建妻子的花園。他還帶女兒去百老匯看戲劇，並自告奮勇充當女兒高中戲劇作品的攝影師。

'Grieving is never easy, but the combination of doing a job I love and maximizing quality time with friends and my daughter made it easier to move on,' says the 64-year-old senior financial writer, who lives in Rowayton, Conn.

今年64歲的戈沃尼說：“悲傷從來都不讓人輕鬆，但從事我喜歡的工作以及儘可能多與朋友和女兒共度愉快時光，讓繼續前行變得更容易。”現在身爲資深財經作家的他生活在康涅狄格州的羅威頓(Rowayton)。

Ms. Aikman, a newspaper reporter at the time of her husband's death, used her journalism skills to research better ways to move through grief, with the idea that she might even write a book. She found out that grief doesn't go in stages, but in waves. 'So I learned that this feeling of taking two steps forward and one step back was normal,' she says.

在丈夫去世之時，艾克曼是一名新聞記者。她利用自己的新聞技能來發掘出度過悲傷的更好方法，併產生了或許還能寫本書的想法。她發現悲痛並不是分階段展開的，而是一陣陣出現的。她說：“這樣一來我瞭解到進兩步退一步的這種感覺是正常的。”

She wondered: Why not form a support group of her own? She put out the word and found five other women who had been widowed between six months and two years. They planned to meet once a month on a Saturday night, emotionally the toughest night of the week, Ms. Aikman says. After their first meeting, the women made plans to try new activities together instead of sitting around talking about loss. 'We needed to change if we wanted to be happy.' Ms. Aikman says.

她開始思考：爲什麼自己不成立一個互助小組呢？她發出了消息，找到了另外五名喪偶六個月至兩年時間的女性。她說她們計劃每個月聚一次，時間選在週六晚，因爲這是一週當中在情感上最難熬的夜晚。在第一次見面後，她們還制定計劃一同去嘗試新活動，而不是乾坐着討論自己失去了什麼。她說道：“如果想開心起來，我們就需要做出改變。”

The women took a cooking class; went on a tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art that focused on works about recovery and renewal; spent the weekend at a spa; shopped for lingerie; helped one member move into a new home; volunteered at a camp for children who had lost a parent; and invited several widowers over to compare experiences. Their grand finale was a trip to Morocco.

她們參加了一門烹飪課；策劃參觀了大都會藝術博物館，欣賞以復甦與新生爲主題的作品；在溫泉療養地度週末；一起購買女士內衣；幫助一名小組成員搬進新家；在喪親兒童露營活動中擔任自願者；還請來幾名喪偶男性比較各自的經歷。最後她們以一趟摩洛哥之旅給互助小組畫上了句號。

Through it all, they talked about how to move forward, to date, to deal with children, to merge families when they remarried. They discussed grief, too, of course -- but only when it came up naturally in conversation.

在整個過程中，她們討論瞭如何繼續前進，如何開始新戀情，如何與孩子相處以及再婚時如何融合家庭。當然，她們也討論了悲痛――但只是在它自然而然出現在談話中時才討論。

Ms. Aikman eventually wrote a book about the women and their friendships; 'Saturday Night Widows' came out last year. Ms. Aikman says she has heard from hundreds of people who are relieved to learn their grieving process wasn't strange even though it doesn't fit the stereotype. Many people said they'd been inspired to try something new -- getting a dog, taking a trip, buying a car. One woman went to a jazz club alone, another learned to snowboard. Quite a few decided to form their own support groups.

艾克曼最終寫了一本書講述她們這羣人及她們的友情，取名爲《週六晚的孀婦們》(Saturday Night Widows)，已在去年出版。她說，她接到了幾百名讀者的信，信中說，她們明白了，自己的悲痛過程即使與舊傳統不符也沒有什麼奇怪的，這使她們鬆了一口氣。許多人說，她們受到了啓發去嘗試新事物，比如養只寵物狗、出門旅行、買輛新車等等。有一名女子隻身去了爵士俱樂部，另一人則學會了滑雪，還有不少人決定成立自己的互助小組。

'If you want to be happy, you have to grow and change,' Ms. Aikman says. 'And pushing yourself into new experiences is the way to do that.'

艾克曼說：“如果你想開心起來，你得成長並做出改變。促使自己尋求新體驗是實現這個目的的途徑。”