神吐槽！“哈利波特”導演致美國人民的一封信

Dear Citizens of America,

親愛的美國公民們，

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

鑑於你們未能選舉一位稱職的總統以實現自治，我們特此通知，將撤銷你們的自治權，通知即刻生效。

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

從下週一起，尊貴的英國女王，伊麗莎白二世，將對所有美國州縣，聯邦團體和其他領土範圍恢復君主統治（除了堪薩斯州，她不喜歡這個州）。

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

爲了實現向英屬附屬國的成功過渡，公佈如下律令，即刻生效。

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

你們應該在《牛津英語詞典》上查查“revocation”（撤銷）這個詞；再查查“aluminium”（鋁）這個詞，看看發音指南，你們會驚訝的發現，你們的發音方式錯的離譜。

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

字母“U”將被放回到“colour”（顏色），“favour”（恩惠），“neighbour “（鄰居）等單詞中。你們要學會完整得拼寫“doughnut”（甜甜圈）這個詞，不要略去後半邊。單詞後綴“ize”將被後綴“ise”取代。

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

你們要懂得後綴“burgh”這個後綴Pittsberg的正確發音是“burra”,如果你們實在駕馭不了正確的發音，你們可以選擇把“Pittsburgh”（匹茲堡）這個單詞拼寫爲“Pittsberg”。

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

總體來說，我們希望你們能進修詞彙以提升格調（請查查“vocabulary”（詞彙）這個詞）。反覆使用那27個發音聒噪的插入語，比如“like”（比如），“you know”(你懂的)，這樣的交流方式極其低效，不可忍受。

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

你們所謂的“美式英語”根本就不存在。我們會讓微軟公司作爲你們的代表接收這一律令。微軟軟件的拼寫檢查程序會做出相應調整以適應單詞中重新插入字母“u”,取消“-ize”後綴等事宜。

6. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

你們要學會做真正的炸薯條。你們稱爲“法式薯條”的東西並不是真正的薯條，你們堅持稱爲“薯條”的東西應該稱作“脆餅乾”。真正的薯條是把土豆切成厚條狀，用動物油脂烹炸，配料應該是麥芽醋，而不是番茄醬。

7. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

我們要求好萊塢偶爾讓英國演員飾演正面角色，要求好萊塢讓英國演員飾演英國人，《四個婚禮和一個葬禮》中Andie MacDowell說英語說的那麼拼，我們感覺耳朵被乳酪擦板凌遲了。

8. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

禁止你們再玩美式“足球”，世界上只有一種應該被叫做“足球”的東西，你們叫它“soccer”。屆時你們中的勇敢者有權玩橄欖球（和美式“足球”有些相似，不過在這種遊戲中你們不需要每20秒就休息一次，也不需要全身穿着塑料盔甲，看起來就像一幫貴婦一樣——在英語中這叫做“娘娘腔”。）

9. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

你們一定要告訴我們到底是誰殺了肯尼迪，我們腦殼都要想破了。

10. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

一位來自英國政府的稅務官（就是收租子的）很快會來到你們身邊，以確保所有月租補納完畢，從1776年開始算起。

Thank you for your co-operation.

謝謝你們的合作

John Cleese

約翰·克里斯

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