48小時，讓你們的感情走出陰霾
One of my friends keeps talking about leaving his wife. The two of them are great together when they're good. But they stink when they're bad.
我有一個朋友一直在說要離開他的妻子。這對夫妻好的時候如膠似漆，不好的時候相互嫌棄。
In a recent article on the five stages of relationships, I wrote about getting to stage five, where "being together is based on shared purpose rather than need."
在最近的一篇“愛情的五個階段”的文章中，我寫到走向感情的第五階段應該是“兩個人在一起是因爲共同的目標而不是彼此需要。”
My friend spends a lot of time in stage three, which is about loss of freedom. Over the years, small annoyances became big issues as hidden agendas came out. Now he feels resentful and is often in a power struggle with his wife. And he knows exactly what she "can't tolerate," so he has a well-stocked black bag of emotional missiles to throw at her.
而我的朋友很長時間都停留在第三階段：失去自由。這些年來，隨着不斷出現的新問題，雞毛蒜皮的小爭吵演變成無可救藥的大問題。現在，他常常感到惱怒，並且經常與妻子陷入激烈的爭吵。而且他清楚知道什麼是她“無法忍受”的，所以他心裏積壓着一大筐憤怒的情緒炮彈隨時可能投向妻子。
He could instead perceive his wife as a mirror, giving him a reflection of himself. What would that mean? Every time he sees her best -- she's kind, smart, creative, funny, a good mother and a devoted wife -- he could acknowledge that these great qualities are active in him and that's how he drew the best out of her.
他將妻子看做是自己的一面鏡子，反應出他自己。什麼意思呢？每次當他看到妻子好的一面：她善良，聰明，有創意，風趣，並且是一個好媽媽和好妻子。他認爲這些好的品質也是他自己的體現，這是他理解的妻子最美好的畫面。
And every time he sees her worst, he could acknowledge that it's also active in him and she's just mirroring it. But instead of remembering that his problems are with him and not with others, he wishes she would be different.
而每次當他看到妻子不好的一面時，他也認爲是自己的體現。但與其記住這些問題是因爲和他在一起產生的，而不是和其他人，他倒是更希望她能夠有所區別。
Wishing that she would change won't produce positive change. Focusing on what's working -- how they are great together when they're good -- could turn the situation around.
期待她改變也並不能讓她有積極的改變。關注着能夠起作用的事情——即他們在一起的美好——能夠使情況好轉。
We tend to think that being to gether equates with knowing each other well, especially over a long period. But unless we make an effort to keep things fresh, it's easy to slip into the fourth stage , where there's a sense of loss and a tendency to give up and drift apart.
我們喜歡認爲在一起等於很好的瞭解彼此，尤其是在經過很長一段時間後。但除非我們不斷努力保持新鮮感，則很容易滑入第四階段，一種失去的感覺並且很可能導致分手。
So how can we get to stage five, and how can we maintain it?
那麼怎樣才能到達第五階段，怎樣維持一段關係？
One way is through Marathon Talking. Two people take turns talking for 48 hours. One talks for 24 hours while the other listens. Then they switch places.
方法之一就是通過馬拉松式的聊天。兩個人在48小時裏輪流說話。一個人說24小時，另一個人聽，然後另一個人說24小時，一個人聽。
It sounds extreme. It is. And it works.
聽起來很極端，沒錯，但也很管用。
The speaking partner can share whatever he or she wants -- life stories, memories, turning points, fears, hopes, goals. The topic doesn't matter because, about five or six hours in, when it seems as if everything has been said, some kind of magic happens where both partners stop struggling to be accepted and understood.
說話的一方可以分享任何他或她想說的：人生故事，回憶，轉折點，恐懼，希望，目標。談話主題並不重要，因爲大約五六小時的時間，好像什麼都已經說了，這時奇蹟便發生了，兩個人不再糾結，他們開始接受，開始理解彼此。
It sounds like a lot of work and perhaps impossible to manage. Actually, it's a gift – to listen devotedly to a loved one for 24 hours -- and then to share lovingly and unreservedly for 24 hours.
聽起來很麻煩且也許不太可能。實際上，它是一件禮物——完全傾聽另一半24小時，深情款款毫無保留地與另一半分享24小時。
48 hours of exclusive positive attention is an extraordinary, luxury, unheard of in this unrelenting world. A new kind of communication takes place, where people begin relating from their hearts instead of their heads. And it's a rare opportunity for both partners to understand who the other person truly is.
在這個無情的世界裏，保持48小時積極專注的關注是非凡的、奢侈的，也是前所未聞的。一種新的友善的交流方式正在發生，人們開始關注他們的心聲而不是思維。而且對於兩個人來說，是可以真正瞭解對方的難得機會。
