年如何改善自己的人際關係

Made any New Year's resolutions yet? Here's an idea: Focus on the state of your relationships instead of the state of your abs.

Increasingly, experts have been telling us how important social bonds are to well-being, affecting everything from how our brains process information to how our bodies respond to stress. People with strong connections to others may live longer. The quality of our relationships is the single biggest predictor of our happiness.

With personal bonds this important, it would seem prudent to put a little work into improving them, especially if they are struggling or even just a little lackluster. And it might not hurt to forge some new ones, too.

I talked with couples and individuals who felt they'd been neglecting their relationships and who vowed last year to pay more attention. Many of them undertook the effort after going through some type of hardship. All learned lessons they were eager to share.

Open Up. Jim Hayden had a tough 2010. Last Christmas, the 56-year-old executive at a Seattle mobile applications company lost a good friend to ovarian cancer; several months later both his father and father-in-law died. His income fell sharply, his retirement account plummeted 60% and he lost $500,000 selling an investment property in a short sale.

The events were a wake-up call. 'We don't appreciate someone or something until it is lost,' he says. He decided to focus more on his family members -- and to communicate better.

In the past, he says, he behaved 'like a control freak,' someone who had to be right. He refused to talk about anything in his life that wasn't going well. He was critical of those who didn't live up to his standards.

As a result, he often argued with his wife and two daughters, ages 21 and 25, he says. Sometimes, he would get so angry that he'd throw his cellphone on the ground.

This year, Mr. Hayden worked hard to change. He spent more time with his wife and daughters and listened to their points of view. More importantly, he says, he tried showing them his vulnerable side, talking about things in his life whether good or bad, sharing emotional pain. At times, he has cried in front of them.

'They really embraced me because I am more of a real person,' Mr. Hayden says. They share more with him, as well. His wife of 29 years, Signy Hayden, 52, says, 'I feel he really cares about what I have to say now, and he won't blow up if it's bad news.'

Set a Time -- and a Limit. Earlier this year, Sally Palaian, 52, a psychologist in Royal Oaks, Mich., began feeling disconnected from her partner of seven years, Gary Haelewyn. She was getting home from work at 8 or 9 p.m., just when Mr. Haelewyn, 62, a computer programmer, was winding down for the night. The difference in their conversational styles complicated matters. 'I am looking for contact and connection,' Dr. Palaian says. 'He would say, 'We already talked on the phone during the day. Didn't we cover that?' '

After attending a conference on personal communication, Dr. Palaian hit on a solution: an oven timer. Now she and Mr. Haelewyn sit down at night to chat -- for five minutes each. They relate the highlights of the day; if one person raises a potential conflict, they agree to talk about it later. And if they want to speak longer, they do, but mostly they stick to the time limit.

Ms. Palaian says the timer has helped by forcing her to condense and to avoid tangents that can bore or frustrate her partner. 'You can't believe how much you can get out in five minutes,' she says. 'You think everything has to be talked to death and it doesn't.' Mr. Haelewyn likes the timer, too, because it forces him to share more details of his life to fill his allotted time. 'I can talk a little more and know that it's just five minutes,' he says. 'I won't have to talk all night.'

Take It Outside. Two years ago, Rebecca Cohen became concerned that her family wasn't spending enough time together. Her young sons often were absorbed with TV or electronic toys and she was busy checking email or doing housework. She made a rule: Every day, everyone has to spend some time together outside.

'I noticed when I was with my family outside how much more we got along,' says Ms. Cohen, 38, a gardening consultant in Gainesville, Va.

And if they are outside, they can't scatter to their separate devices, whether TV, computer screen or iPhone. Now, she walks her sons, 6 and 8, to school and back each day. She and her husband take a walk with the boys and the dog after dinner most nights. They go biking or hiking on weekends.

Time outdoors helps alleviate stress and encourages everyone to talk, Ms. Cohen says. She has learned more about her children's interests and how they think, and she and her husband find it easier to say things more openly outside. 'There is probably something about not physically facing each other,' she says. 'The outdoors gives everyone space to be themselves.'

Six-year-old Warner Cohen has seen a benefit, too. 'I notice when my mom goes outside, her feelings get really calm,' he says.

Discuss Finances. When Gary Zaremba, 53, and his wife, Laura Jackson-Zaremba, 52, got married almost three years ago, they decided to keep separate bank accounts. Before long, though, money became a bit of a problem. Mr. Zaremba, a Manhattan real-estate developer, makes 70% more than his wife, a publicist. He says splitting bills and restaurant meals became awkward. Then he purchased a Lexus SUV without telling his wife, and this upset her.

'It was creating some secrecy,' he says. 'We weren't talking about money, even as we were talking about other things.'

The couple decided to sit down and discuss their personal approaches to money, how much each would contribute to their common expenses and investments and who will handle the record-keeping. They pay their bills from a joint account, to which they each contribute -- Mr. Zaremba puts in 75%, Ms. Jackson-Zaremba 25%.

'The fact that we were talking about money more openly created a trust,' Mr. Zaremba says.

His wife agrees: 'Money doesn't feel like an issue anymore,' she says.

Reach Out. Mary Lou Quinlan and Valerie Sherman have lived across the hall from each other in a Manhattan apartment building for 16 years. But other than the occasional chat or glass of wine, the two women and their husbands didn't socialize much, until about a year ago.

Ms. Quinlan, 57, chief executive of a marketing company focused on women, was diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer. She shared this news with Ms. Sherman and told her she had taken up yoga to help cope with the radiation treatment. She invited Ms. Sherman to join her.

Now, on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, the two women meet in the hall at 7:05 and walk down the block to the yoga studio. At first, they chatted about neighborhood gossip or vacation plans. But over time, their conversations ranged to more personal matters. They have discussed illness, work, how to care for aging parents, the death of Ms. Quinlan's father. The two couples now often have dinner together.

'We have discovered how much we both have in common,' says Ms. Sherman, 54, a vice president at an international realty firm.

Says Ms. Quinlan: 'To know that behind the door across the hall is someone who knows what I love, what I worry about, what I hope to do next, makes home more like home to me.'你訂好新年計劃了嗎？不妨考慮一下這個：多關注你的人際關係狀況，而不是腹肌狀況。

我們越來越經常地聽到專家說，社會關係對幸福生活是如何重要，它是如何影響從大腦處理資訊的方式到身體對壓力的反應的每件事情。與他人聯繫緊密的人會活得更久。我們的人際關係品質是最重要的幸福感預測指標。

既然人際關係如此重要，那麼稍微多用點心對其加以改善應該是明智之舉，尤其是當人際關係出現困難甚至有點了無生氣時。而營造一些新的人際關係也沒有壞處。

我與一些感到自己忽視了人際關係，並在去年發誓要更關注人際關係的人聊了聊。他們中許多人都在經歷過某種困境後做出了努力。所有人都從中學到了經驗並急於分享這些經驗。

敞開心扉。56歲的吉姆•海頓（Jim Hayden）是西雅圖一家手機應用軟體公司的經理，他的2010年很不順。去年耶誕節，他的一個好朋友死於卵巢癌；幾個月後，他的父親和岳父相繼去世。他的收入急劇下降，退休帳戶驟跌60%，在一筆短線交易中，他賣出的一筆投資性房地產損失了50萬美元。

這些事件給他敲響了警鐘。他說，直到我們失去某個人或某樣東西，我們才意識到他們的重要。他決心將更多重心放在家人身上——並更好地與他們交流。

他說，過去他表現得像個“控制狂”，一個必須行事正確的人。他拒絕談論生活中任何不順利的事。他還總是批評達不到他的標準的人。

因此，他說自己經常與妻子和他21歲和25歲的兩個女兒爭吵。有時，他會大發雷霆，將手機摔到地上。

今年，海頓努力做出改變。他花更多的時間與妻子和女兒在一起，聆聽她們的觀點。他說，更重要的是，他試着向她們展示自己脆弱的一面，談論他生活中或好或壞的事情，並與她們分享情感上的痛苦。有時，他甚至會在她們面前落淚。

海頓說，她們緊緊擁抱着我，因爲我成爲了一個更真實的人。她們也更願意與他分享了。與他結婚29年的妻子、今年52歲的西格尼•海頓（Signy Hayden）說，現在我感到他真的關心我要說的事了，如果是壞消息，他也不會發脾氣。

定好時間——以及時限。52歲的薩莉•帕萊恩（Sally Palaian）是密歇根州皇家橡樹市（Royal Oaks）的一位心理學家。今年早些時候，她開始感到與結識7年的伴侶、62歲的電腦程式師加里•黑勒溫（Gary Haelewyn）有些疏遠。她晚上8、9點鐘才下班回家，而這正是黑勒溫準備晚上繼續開工的時候。他們之間談話方式的差異使事情更加麻煩。帕萊恩說，我想要接觸和交流。但他會說：我們白天已經在電話裏聊過了。難道我們沒有說到這件事嗎？

參加過一次關於人際溝通的會議後，帕萊恩找到了一個解決方法：烤箱計時器。現在，她和黑勒溫晚上會坐下來聊聊——每人5分鐘。他們會講起當天的重要事情；如果某人提起可能引發衝突的話題，那麼他們會同意稍後再談。如果他們想多說一會兒，那麼也會順其自然，但多數情況下他們會遵守時間限制。

帕萊恩說，計時器迫使她長話短說，並避免可能讓對方厭煩或沮喪的題外話。她說，你不會相信5分鐘內你能表達多少意思。原來你覺得每件事都必須說個沒完，但事實並非如此。黑勒溫也喜歡計時器，因爲這迫使他分享更多生活細節，以填滿分配到的時間。他說，我可以多說一點，因爲我知道只是5分鐘而已。我不必說一整晚。

外出散心。現年38歲的麗蓓嘉•科恩（Rebecca Cohen）是弗吉尼亞州基因斯維爾（Gainesville）的一位園藝顧問。兩年前，她開始擔心家人待在一起的時間不夠。她年幼的兒子們總是沉迷於電視節目或電子玩具，而她自己要麼是在忙着收電郵，要麼是在忙着做家務。她訂下了一條規矩：每天，大家都必須在室外共度一段時間。

科恩說，我注意到，當我和家人一起外出時，我們相處得要好得多。

如果他們在外面，就不會各自倒騰自己那些玩藝兒了，不管是電視、電腦還是iPhone。現在，她每天都會陪6歲和8歲的兒子走路上下學。晚飯後，她和丈夫多數情況下都會和孩子們一起散步遛狗。他們週末還會一起騎自行車或徒步旅行。

科恩說，室外的時間有助於舒緩壓力並鼓勵每個人交談。她更加了解孩子們的興趣和想法了，而她和丈夫也發現在外面更容易坦誠地談事情。她說，這可能是因爲不用面對面的緣故。戶外給了每個人迴歸自我的空間。

6歲大的沃納•科恩（Warner Cohen）也看到了一個優點。他說，我發現，媽媽出門的時候，她的情緒就會平靜下來。

討論財務問題。53歲的加里•扎倫巴（Gary Zaremba）和他52歲的妻子蘿拉•傑克遜-扎倫巴（Laura Jackson-Zaremba）結婚快三年了，結婚時他們決定保持獨立的銀行帳戶。但不久以後，財務便出了點小問題。扎倫巴先生是曼哈頓（Manhattan）的一位房地產開發商，他賺的錢比當公關人員的妻子多70%。他說，分開付賬單和餐費變得很尷尬。後來，他沒和妻子打招呼就買了一輛雷克薩斯（Lexus）越野車，這讓她很不高興。

他說，這讓我們在錢的問題上變得諱莫如深。我們會談其他事，但絕口不提錢。

這對夫妻決定坐下來討論解決財務問題的方法，每人應該分攤多少共同開銷和投資，由誰來負責記賬。如今他們用一個聯名帳戶付賬，兩個人都會向這個帳戶裏存錢——扎倫巴先生存75%，扎倫巴夫人存25%。

扎倫巴先生說，實際上，更坦誠地談論金錢會創造出信任感。

他妻子對此表示同意。她說，我們不再感到錢是個問題了。

主動結交。瑪麗•洛烏•昆蘭（Mary Lou Quinlan）和瓦萊麗•舍曼（Valerie Sherman）在曼哈頓的一幢公寓住了16年對門。57歲的昆蘭是一家以女性爲主要對象的市場行銷公司的執行總裁，54歲的舍曼是一家國際物業公司的副總裁。除了偶爾聊聊天，喝杯酒以外，這兩個女人以及她們的丈夫相互之間並不太來往，直到大約一年前。

昆蘭被診斷出患有早期乳腺癌後，將這個消息告訴了舍曼，並告訴她自己開始練瑜伽以配合放療。她邀請舍曼和她一起去做瑜伽。

現在，每週二和週四早上7:05，她們都會在走廊碰面，穿越街區走到瑜伽館。起初，她們聊的是鄰里八卦或假期計劃。但逐漸地，她們的談話擴展到更私人的問題上。她們談論疾病、工作、如何照顧年邁的父母、昆蘭父親的過世。現在，這兩對夫婦經常在一起吃晚餐。

舍曼說，我們發現我們有許多共同點。

昆蘭說，知道對門後面的人瞭解我的喜好，我的擔憂，我接下來希望做的事，這讓家對我來說更像家了。