處理婆媳關係的關鍵

Jim Brown knew he was in trouble before his mother finished asking the question. 'Am I a better cook than your wife?' she asked, calmly stirring a pot on the stove in her kitchen.
母親還未問完這個問題，吉姆·布朗(Jim Brown)就知道自己麻煩來了。“我的廚藝是不是比你妻子的更好？”母親在廚房裏一邊平靜地攪拌着爐竈上鍋裏的食物，一邊問道。

With his wife, Joy, standing next to him, Mr. Brown stammered and stuttered. He prayed -- 'for a trap door to appear,' he says. Finally, he did the only thing he could think to do: Tell the truth. 'I said that my wife is a better cook,' the 50-year-old owner of a Duncanville, Texas, auto-repair shop says.
吉姆支支吾吾不願回答，因爲當時妻子喬伊(Joy)就站在旁邊。他說當時自己祈禱着“地上能出現一道縫”。最終，他做了當時他能想到的唯一一件事：實話實說。他說：“我當時答道妻子的廚藝更好。”現年50歲的吉姆是得克薩斯州鄧肯維爾(Duncanville)一家汽修店的老闆。

The fallout? 'Biblical,' he says. 'There was wailing. Gnashing of teeth.' Even his wife got mad -- telling him that he had been insensitive to his mother.
結果呢？他說：“糟糕透頂。母親氣得咬牙切齒，並對我大聲數落。”甚至連妻子都非常生氣，說他不顧母親的感受。

Sadly, the scene wasn't new to the Browns, who had been married seven years. The strain between his wife and his mother -- and his position, stuck in the middle -- was taking a toll on all three relationships. His mom criticized his wife for her parenting style and for not getting a job. His wife cried and complained to him. He retreated from both women.
可悲的是，這種場景對當時結婚七年的布朗夫婦來說並不新鮮。妻子和母親之間的緊張關係──還有他夾在中間的左右爲難──已經對三人間的關係產生了負面影響。他母親批評他妻子撫育孩子的方式，並且不滿她賦閒在家。妻子就向他哭訴和抱怨。面對這兩個女人，他選擇了逃避。

'I am a guy and not that intuitive, and I didn't really understand either one,' he says. 'My inclination was to go mow the grass.' Over the next couple years, the Browns kept trying to make the triangle work -- until the conflict reached a crisis point and then took an unexpected turn.
他說：“我是個男人，直覺也不那麼靈敏。這兩個女人，我簡直一個都搞不懂。遇到這種事情，我就想出去割草。”接下來的兩年，布朗夫婦一直竭力維持着這個三角關係──直到衝突觸及危機點，並來了個意料之外的轉折。

Few family relationships are more fraught than the ones between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law, and the man caught between them. It has been fodder for comedy in movies and on TV forever, yet each generation seems to have to learn for itself how to make this triangle work.
很少有家庭關係比婆婆、媳婦以及被夾在中間的男人之間的關係更令人頭疼了。雖然它一直是喜劇類電影和電視劇永恆的題材，但似乎每一代人都不得不自己學習如何讓這種三角關係維持下去。

Mothers really do worry more when sons marry than when daughters marry, according to unpublished research conducted by Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart, assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. She asked 89 mothers-in-law what they worried about most when a child married. Overwhelmingly, when a son married these women reported more uncertainty and insecurity. The insecurity centered on the son's relationship with his parents and nuclear family. Will he visit or call less often? Will he spend holidays with the family?
根據威斯康辛大學史蒂文斯波恩特分校(University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point)傳播學助理教授西爾維婭·米庫茨基-埃尼亞特(Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart)一項尚未發表論文的研究，娶兒媳比嫁女兒更讓母親擔心。她詢問了89名婆婆和岳母，孩子結婚她們最擔心什麼。這些人絕大多數都表示,如果是兒子結婚，她們會感到更加不確定、不安心。這種不安集中在兒子與父母以及自己小家庭的關係上。他會比以前少來看望我們或者少打電話嗎？他會和家人一起共度假期嗎？

The mothers also reported worrying about their son's well-being and whether marriage and his wife would change him. Some of their specific concerns: 'He's no longer reliable, due to his wife's interference.' 'His interests have changed dramatically.' 'Is he eating enough? My daughter-in-law is a bad cook.' 'Is he happy?'
母親們還稱，她們擔心兒子的幸福，以及婚姻和妻子是否會改變他。一些具體的擔心包括：“因爲妻子干涉，他變得不再可信賴。”“他的興趣愛好發生了戲劇性的改變。”“他吃飽了嗎？我兒媳可不是個好廚子。”“他快樂嗎？”

Dr. Mikucki-Enyart also studied 133 daughters-in-law, eliciting their concerns about the women who raised their husbands. 'Is my mother-in-law getting too involved in my life?' 'What is her ability to take financial care of herself?' 'What does she say about me when I am not around?'
米庫茨基-埃尼亞特博士還調查了133名兒媳，讓她們談論了對於撫養其丈夫長大的那個女人的擔憂。“我婆婆會不會太乾涉我的生活？”“她在經濟上照顧自己的能力怎樣？”“當我不在的時候，她是怎麼說我的？”

'We expect a daughter-in-law not to like a mother-in-law and to expect her to be meddlesome,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. As a result, the two women may tread carefully around each other from the start, reacting defensively and eventually becoming distant. 'It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,' she says.
米庫茨基-埃尼亞特博士說：“很可能兒媳會不怎麼喜歡婆婆，並且覺得她會多管閒事。”結果，這兩個女人可能一開始相處就小心翼翼，採取防禦姿態，最終漸行漸遠。她說：“這已經變成了一種自證預言。”In a way, both mother and wife are competing to nurture the man. Loading the relationship even more is women's traditional role as what researchers call 'kin keepers' who maintain the family social calendar, relationships and traditions.
從某種方式上來說，母親和妻子都在爭着養育這個男人。讓這種關係雪上加霜的是被研究人員稱作“家庭關係維護者”的女性傳統角色，該角色負責管理家庭社交日程，維護家庭關係和傳統。

There is uncertainty on both sides. Mothers- and daughters-in-law are supposed to be family, yet they don't know each other well. What to call each other? How much to share? There is no script.
兩邊都存在不確定性。婆婆和媳婦雖說理應是一家人，但雙方並不怎麼熟悉。如何稱呼對方？應該與對方分享多少？都沒有腳本。

The uncertainty itself can lead to jealousy, anger or sadness. The more uncertainty there is, the more each woman is likely to keep the other at arm's length. This can destabilize the marriage: When his mother and his wife are battling, a man's self-preservation instinct tells him to hide.
這種不確定本身就可能導致嫉妒、憤怒或傷心。不確定性越強，兩個女人越可能相互保持距離。而這可能會破壞婚姻的穩定：當母親和妻子開戰，男人自我保護的本能會告訴他能躲多遠是多遠。

How can families break the pattern? It's really up to the husband/son, Dr. Mikucki-Enyart says. 'He needs to step up to the plate,' she says. 'He has to make his wife his priority and let that be known.'
如何才能打破這一模式？米庫茨基-埃尼亞特博士說，關鍵在丈夫/兒子身上。她說：“他必須出面。他必須把妻子放在首位，並且讓大家知道這一點。”

If his mother often drops by unannounced and this bothers his wife, the husband needs to ask his mother to call first. He doesn't need to tell her that it upsets his wife.
如果他的母親經常出其不意地造訪，讓妻子感到困擾，做丈夫的需要和母親說，來之前請先打電話。他不需要告訴母親說這件事困擾到了他妻子。

'A mother is more likely to respond to her son's request than her daughter-in-law's,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart.
米庫茨基-埃尼亞特博士說：“母親更容易對兒子而不是兒媳的要求做出迴應。”

Daughters-in-law can do their part by keeping their mother-in-law involved in the family. Invite them to dinner. Send photos of the children. And pick your battles.
媳婦也可以發揮她們的作用，讓婆婆參與到家庭中來。邀請她們一起吃晚餐。給她們發送孩子們的照片。有些事情學會睜一隻眼閉一隻眼。

'Don't make it a competition,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. 'You both love this man in completely different ways.'
米庫茨基-埃尼亞特博士說：“別讓它成爲一種競爭。你們都愛這個男人，只是採取的方式不同。”

The couple should always present a united front, she says. Remember that you are a team. Don't throw each other under the bus. Parents expect that united front, she says, even though it may be a little hard for them to get used to at first.
她說，夫婦必須永遠站在同一戰線上。記住，你們是一個團隊。別把對方往火坑裏推。她說，父母對你們會共同進退這一點是有心理準備的，儘管一開始他們可能會有些難以接受。

The tension between mother- and daughter-in-law started about a year into the Browns' marriage, when Ms. Brown got pregnant and her mother-in-law suddenly seemed to know everything. Ms. Brown tried to politely ignore her mother-in-law, but every once in a while she would tell the older woman she was wrong. Her mother-in-law would cry and storm off, and Ms. Brown would end up apologizing.
布朗夫婦結婚一年左右的時候，婆媳之間的關係就開始變得緊張。當時喬伊懷孕了，而她婆婆似乎突然變得無所不知。喬伊試着禮貌地對她視而不見，但偶爾會對老太太說她錯了。婆婆會大哭並氣沖沖地離開，最後喬伊不得不道歉了事。

'I felt like there was no winning, like we were in a crazy dance,' says Ms. Brown, now 45 and a fifth-grade teacher.
喬伊說：“我感覺這是兩敗俱傷，好像我們是在跳一場瘋狂的舞蹈。”現年45歲的喬伊是一名五年級的老師。

So, mostly, Ms. Brown complained to her husband -- and, mostly, he did nothing. 'It didn't occur to me to contradict my mom,' he says.
於是，大部分時候喬伊只好向丈夫抱怨。但，大部分時候，他什麼也不做。他說：“我從來沒有想過要去駁斥我母親。”

Making matters worse: Mr. Brown sometimes sometimes discussed problems in his marriage with his mom. 'She would commiserate, I think, to feel close to me,' he says. 'And it increased my feelings of being slighted by my wife.'
更糟糕的是：吉姆有時會和他母親討論他婚姻中的問題。他說：“她會表示同情，我想，這讓她感覺離我更近。這更讓我覺得自己受到了妻子的怠慢。”

Mr. Brown retreated into work. He and his wife began living parallel lives, and eventually he asked for a divorce. But after they told his mother the news, she seemed to back off. Betty Wade, now 72, says she doesn't remember that her relationship with her daughter-in-law was tense or a factor in the couple's divorce discussion. 'Just because he got married didn't make him less my son, but I knew he had to spend his attention on the other lady,' she says.
吉姆借工作逃避。他和妻子開始過着平行線般的生活，最終他提出了離婚。但在他們將這一決定告訴母親後，她似乎讓步了。現年72歲的貝蒂·韋德(Betty Wade)說，她不記得自己曾經和兒媳關係緊張，也不覺得這是導致夫婦倆商討離婚的因素之一。她說：“雖然他結了婚，但依然是我的兒子；不過我也知道，他必須要去關心另外那位女士。”

The space gave the couple a chance to work on their relationship. They sought advice from counselors at their church and went to a marriage therapist. They read self-help books and prayed together. And they stayed married.
貝蒂的讓步爲夫婦倆改善彼此的關係提供了一個機會。他們向所在教區的顧問尋求建議，並且去求助了婚姻諮詢師。他們閱讀自助書籍，還一起祈禱。他們的婚姻也得以維繫了下來。

'It was a lot of blood, sweat and tears,' Mr. Brown says. 'But I had learned to come to grips with the idea that I had to place my priorities with my wife first.'
吉姆說：“這就是一部血淚史。但我學會了要牢牢記住一點，就是必須把妻子擺在首位。”