拒絕當狼爸虎媽 如何避免衝孩子發脾氣

Nearly every parent loses control and screams at the children now and then. But what if you do it repeatedly?
幾乎每一位父母都有情緒失控和對孩子高聲叫嚷的時候。但如果你頻頻如此呢？

Researchers suspect parents are yelling more. Parents have been conditioned to avoid spanking, so they vent their anger and frustration by shouting instead. Three out of four parents yell, scream or shout at their children or teens about once a month, on average, for misbehaving or making them angry, research shows. Increasingly, therapists and parenting experts are homing in on how it hurts a child, as well as how to stop it.
研究人員猜測，父母如今吼孩子比以前更頻繁了。父母已經習慣於不動手打孩子屁股，因此他們會通過大喊大叫來發泄憤怒和不滿。研究顯示，四分之三的父母會因家中幼童或青少年 犯錯誤或惹他們生氣而吼叫、尖叫或大喊，平均每月一次。治療師和家庭教育專家正越來越多地關注這類行爲會對孩子產生何種傷害以及如何阻止這類行爲。

Raising your voice isn't always bad. Loudly describing a problem can call attention to it without hurting anyone, says Adele Faber, a parenting trainer in Roslyn Heights, N.Y., and co-author of 'How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be.' For example: 'I just mopped the kitchen floor and now it is covered with muddy footprints.'
提高嗓門並不總是壞事。紐約州羅斯林海茨(Roslyn Heights)的育兒培訓師、《怎樣成爲理想中的父母》(How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be)一書作者之一阿黛爾・費伯(Adele Faber)稱，大聲描述一個問題能在不傷害任何人的情況下引起關注。例如：“我剛剛拖過廚房地板，現在又被踩得到處是泥。”

Yelling becomes damaging when it is a personal attack, belittling or blaming a child with statements such as 'Why can't you ever remember?' or, 'You always get this wrong!' Ms. Faber says.
但費伯說，當你把吼叫作爲人身攻擊，用“你不能長點記性嗎？”或者“你總是做錯！”這種話來責備或挖苦孩子時，就會給孩子帶來傷害。

Many parents lose control because they take children's misbehavior or rebellion personally, research shows: They feel attacked or think the child's actions reflect poorly on them. Parents who see a child's negative emotions as unexpected, overwhelming and upsetting tend to feel more threatened and frustrated with each new outburst, says a study published earlier this month in the Journal of Family Psychology. This pattern, called 'emotional flooding,' triggers a downward spiral in the relationship, disrupting the parent's problem-solving ability and fueling emotional reactions, such as yelling.
許多父母情緒失控是因爲他們對孩子的錯誤或叛逆行爲太較真。研究顯示，他們會感覺自己受到攻擊，或者認爲孩子的行爲讓他們顏面盡失。《家庭心理學期刊》(Journal of Family Psychology)早些時候刊登的一項研究稱，認爲孩子的負面情緒出人意料、讓人無所適從和令人沮喪的父母，往往會在孩子每次出現新的情緒爆發時產生更強烈的受威脅和挫敗感。這種模式被稱爲“情緒崩潰”，會導致親子關係陷入下行螺旋，擾亂父母解決問題的能力並催生吼叫等情緒反應。

Teens whose parents use 'harsh verbal discipline' such as shouting or insults are more likely to have behavior problems and depression symptoms, says a recent study of 976 middle-class adolescents and their parents, published online last September and led by Ming-Te Wang, an assistant professor of psychology and education at the University of Pittsburgh.
近期一項對976名中產階層青少年和他們父母的調查顯示，被父母用喊叫或辱罵等方式進行“嚴厲語言管教”的青少年更容易有行爲問題和抑鬱症狀。該調查去年9月份刊登在網上，由匹茲堡大學(University of Pittsburgh)心理學和教育學助理教授王明德（音）領導。

Another study suggests yelling at children may have consequences that go beyond those of spanking. Eight-year-olds whose parents disciplined them by yelling have less satisfying relationships with romantic partners and spouses at age 23, according to a 15-year study led by Stephanie Parade, an assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University. 'Parents who yell may miss out on a chance to teach children to regulate their emotions,' she says.
另一項研究暗示，對孩子吼叫帶來的後果可能比打屁股更嚴重。布朗大學(Brown University) 精神病學和人類行爲學助理教授斯蒂芬妮・帕拉德(Stephanie Parade)領導的一項爲期15年的研究顯示，八歲時父母通過吼叫來管教的孩子到23歲時與戀愛伴侶和配偶之間的關係不太令人滿意。她說：“大喊大叫的父母可能會錯過教孩子如何管理情緒的機會。”

Spanking also predicted less satisfying adult relationships, but the negative effects were offset when parents praised their children at other times. The negative effects of yelling weren't erased by parental warmth, however. The negative problem-solving tactics that children learn when their parents yell may stick with them as adults, says the study, published in 2012 in Marriage & Family Review. Children also may expect others to treat them in a negative way, and unconsciously pick partners who fulfill that expectation.
打屁股也與成年後伴侶關係不盡人意有關聯，但父母在其他時候表揚孩子會消除打屁股帶來的負面影響。然而，吼叫帶來的負面影響不會因父母的關愛而消除。《婚姻和家庭評論》(Marriage & Family Review) 2012年刊登的這項研究稱，孩子會在父母吼叫時學到負面的問題解決策略，成年後他們可能仍會堅持使用這些策略。這些孩子可能還會期望別人以負面方式對待他們，並且無意識地選擇滿足他們期望的伴侶。

'Yelling is where 90% of us do the most damage,' says Julie Ann Barnhill, a speaker and author of 'She's Gonna Blow,' a book on parental anger that has sold 135,000 copies. Ms. Barnhill says she used to yell one to three times a week at her children when they were preschoolers. She got counseling, and learned to control her anger and discipline her kids in calmer, more positive ways, techniques she now teaches other parents in speeches and workshops.
《她要發火了》(She's Gonna Blow)一書作者、演說家朱莉・安・巴恩希爾(Julie Ann Barnhill)表示：“吼叫是90%的人犯的危害最大的錯誤。”《她要發火了》是一本有關父母憤怒情緒的書，銷量高達135,000冊。巴恩希爾說，孩子上學之前，她曾經一週對他們吼叫一到三次。後來她做了諮詢，並學會控制自己的憤怒情緒，以更冷靜、更積極的方式管教孩子。現在她通過演講和工作室向其他父母教授這些技巧。

Parents can learn to notice signs that a blowup is brewing and dial down their own tension. Warning signs can include: tightness in the throat or chest, shallow or rapid breathing, a clenching of the teeth or jaw, negative thoughts about oneself or feelings of being overwhelmed.
父母可以學着去留意即將發火的信號並設法減輕自己的焦慮。預警信號包括：喉嚨或胸口發緊，呼吸變得急促，咬緊牙關，對自己產生負面想法或感覺不堪重負。

Deep breathing, envisioning a pleasant scene, counting to 10 or leaving the room can help. Ms. Barnhill advises practicing calming thoughts, such as 'I'm having a miserable day, but getting angry will just make things worse.'
深呼吸，想象愉快的場景，數到10或者離開房間都有所助益。巴恩希爾建議平復一下紊亂的思緒，比如對自己說：“我今天過得很悲催，但生氣只能讓情況更糟。”Build a margin of spare time into daily routines to allow time for minor mishaps, such as spilled milk or lost jackets, says Jill Savage, author of 'No More Perfect Moms.' She adds, 'If I have 20 minutes to clean up after dinner, I'm more likely to handle that spilled milk well.'
《不再當完美媽媽》(No More Perfect Moms)一書作者吉爾・薩維奇(Jill Savage)說，可在每日例行安排中留出一點富餘時間處理小意外，比如孩子把牛奶弄 了或者上衣弄丟。她補充稱：“如果飯後我有20分鐘時間進行清理，我就更有可能把牛奶弄 的事處理好。”

Learning to start sentences with 'I' rather than 'you' can help parents shift from an angry attack to a teaching moment, Ms. Faber says. 'Say what you don't like, then add what you would like or expect.'
費伯說，學會將“我”而不是“你”作爲句子的開頭，能夠幫助父母將怒氣衝衝的攻擊轉變爲對孩子的教育。她說：“說你不喜歡看到些什麼，然後補充說你喜歡或者希望看到些什麼。”

Leigh Fransen felt like yelling when her daughters, 10-year-old Alona and 8-year-old Elisha, forgot to feed the family dog, Balto, on two evenings in the same week. 'This is a really important responsibility, and they're always asking me for more pets,' says Ms. Fransen, of Fort Mill, S.C. 'I wanted to yell, 'You're not getting any dinner tonight, because you didn't feed the dog, and you're going to know how it feels'-which would lead to nothing but tears and misery, and probably to me backing down.'
南卡羅來納州米爾堡(Fort Mill)的利・弗朗桑(Leigh Fransen)的女兒阿洛納(Alona)和伊萊沙(Elisha)一個10歲，一個8歲。有一次，她倆一週有兩個晚上忘記給家裏的狗巴爾託(Balto)餵食，弗朗桑很想發脾氣。弗朗桑說：“這是個非常重要的責任，她們總問我要更多的寵物。我想衝她們吼：‘你們沒有喂狗，今天晚上不給你們吃飯了，這樣你們才知道狗是什麼感覺’──但這麼做只會讓她們掉眼淚，讓她們感到痛苦，而我很可能會心軟讓步。”

Instead, she started her response with 'I,' saying, 'I don't like seeing the dog not fed. Look at him: He is miserable. I expect him to be fed before you eat your own dinner,' Ms. Fransen says. Alona and Elisha needed to be reminded of the deadline twice, but soon learned to remember on their own. Ms. Fransen praised them for taking responsibility and encouraged them to see that 'Balto seems much happier now that he's getting dinner on time.'
於是她以“我”爲開頭來回應，她說：“我不喜歡看到狗沒喂。看看他：他很可憐。我希望你們自己吃飯之前能把他餵飽。” 阿洛納和伊萊沙後來還需要媽媽提醒兩次才記得最後期限，但她們很快就能自己記得喂狗了。弗朗桑表揚她們能認真負責，並鼓勵她們注意“巴爾託看起來開心多了，因爲現在他能及時吃上飯了”。

Many parents blow up because they have unrealistic expectations-such as assuming a two-year-old shouldn't push parental limits, says Ms. Savage, chief executive of Hearts at Home, a Normal, Ill., nonprofit that runs conferences on parenting issues, including discipline. 'We say to our children, 'Act your age,' and in reality, they are,' she says. Not expecting children to be perfect, or nearly so, can calm parents' frustrations, Ms. Savage says. So can seeing a child's failure as an opportunity for him to learn.
Hearts at Home的首席執行長薩維奇說，許多父母發脾氣是因爲他們抱有不切實際的期望──比如認爲兩歲的孩子不應該違反父母的規定。她說：“我們對自己的孩子說：‘別像小孩那樣。’但事實上他們就是小孩子。”薩維奇說，不要期望孩子十全十美或者接近完美，這樣就能平復挫敗感。所以我們可以把孩子的失敗視爲他學習的機會。Hearts at Home是伊利諾伊州諾默爾(Normal)一家就家庭教育問題（包括管教在內）組織會議的非營利組織。

Parents can turn a meltdown into a teaching moment by involving kids in finding solutions, Ms. Faber says. She suggests waiting for a calm moment and stating the rule the child violated. Then give the child a choice about how to prevent the misbehavior from happening again. Inviting a child to suggest solutions teaches problem-solving skills.
費伯說，父母可以和孩子一起尋找解決方案，把失敗變爲教育孩子的機會。她建議等到情緒平靜的時候陳述孩子違反的規矩，然後讓孩子去選擇如何防止再次犯錯。邀請孩子提出解決方案能夠教會他們掌握解決問題的技能。

Sara Weingot of Baltimore used the technique after her 6-year-old son misbehaved during an outing in her minivan, kicking and pushing two other kids' booster seats. She later told him she never wanted it to happen again, then listened sympathetically as he explained that he had been squeezed too tightly between two other kids' car seats.
巴爾的摩(Baltimore)的薩拉・魏因戈特(Sara Weingot)在她6歲的兒子犯錯後就運用過這個技巧，當時她兒子在乘坐麪包車出遊時踢推其他兩個孩子的兒童加高座椅。之後她對兒子說，她希望以後絕對不要再發生這種情況，然後她滿懷同情地聽兒子解釋說他被其他兩個孩子的汽車座椅擠得太緊。

Ms. Weingot gave him a choice between staying home with a babysitter next time and finding another solution. He made a list from 'get a better car' to taking turns with his siblings in more comfortable seats, an idea that worked, Ms. Weingot says.
魏因戈特讓他選擇下次和保姆一起待在家裏還是尋找另一種解決方案。魏因戈特說，他列出了一些方案，其中包括“買一輛更好的車”，還有和兄弟姐妹輪流坐更舒服的座椅。後一種方案得到了採納。

Apologizing can help repair a relationship after an outburst, says Ms. Barnhill, the author. She took her daughter aside in her teens and apologized for an explosive incident a few years earlier. 'I have this memory of being in your face and yelling at you. I am so sorry, sweet girl,' Ms. Barnhill says she told her.
前文提到的作者巴恩希爾說，在發脾氣之後道歉有助於修復親子關係。巴恩希爾在女兒十幾歲時曾把她拉到一邊，爲幾年前一次發脾氣而道歉。巴恩希爾說，當時她告訴女兒：“我記得自己對你發火，衝你大喊大叫。我很抱歉，親愛的。”

Her daughter Kristen Draughan, who is now 25, married and studying for a master's degree in social work, says she doesn't remember her mother yelling much when she was a child. But Ms. Draughan does recall that her mother's remorse made her burst into tears. 'It showed that she cared about my feelings,' she says.
她女兒克麗絲藤・德勞安(Kristen Draughan)現在25歲，已經結婚，在讀社會工作專業碩士學位。她說她印象中小時候母親不怎麼衝她吼叫。但德勞安能夠回想起她母親的自責讓她淚流滿面。她說：“這說明她在乎我的感受。”