雙語閱讀：我與母親的隔世相遇

摘要：接受——歸根結底就是這樣。我就是這樣，經過兜兜轉轉的路程，從這樣的苦痛出發，走到了現在，來到了這裏。而我還活着，還充滿希望。

My mother was a woman hollowed out like a treestruck by lightning. I wanted to know why.

我母親生前是一個沒了生命活力的人，就像一棵被閃電擊中的樹。我很想知道爲什麼她會這樣。

Ever since her first suicide attempt, in 1978, when Iwas 22, I had been trying to fill in gaps. She wasgone much of the time in my early childhood, andwhen she returned nobody spoke about theabsence.

1978年，我22歲時，她第一次自殺未遂，自那之後，我就一直在試着找到答案。在我年幼時，她很多時候都不在家中，當她回來時，大家都對她之前的離開避而不談。

I learned much later that she had suffered acute depression after my younger sister’s birth in1957. She was in hospitals and sanitariums being shot full of insulin — a treatment then invogue for severe mental disorder — and electricity. The resulting spasms, seizures,convulsions and comas were supposed to jar her from her “puerperal psychosis,” the termthen used in England for postpartum depression.

很久以後，我才知道，我妹妹1957年出生後，母親就患上了嚴重的抑鬱症。她住在醫院和療養院，被注射了大劑量的胰島素——當時用它來治療嚴重的精神障礙——並接受電擊療法。人們認爲，由此產生的痙攣、抽搐、驚厥和昏迷可以讓她從“產後精神病”中恢復過來。當年在英格蘭，“產後精神病”指的就是產後抑鬱症。

In 1958, my mother was admitted to the Holloway Sanatorium, the sprawling Victorian Gothicfantasy of a 19th-century tycoon, Thomas Holloway, who amassed a fortune through the saleof dubious medicinal concoctions. The sanitarium, opened in 1885, was a great heap of gabledredbrick buildings, topped by a tower rising 145 feet into the damp air of Surrey.

1958年，我的母親住進了霍洛威療養院(Holloway Sanatorium)，那是一座龐大的建築，是19世紀大亨托馬斯·霍洛威(Thomas Holloway)的維多利亞哥特式幻想，此人通過出售可疑的藥用配劑積累了財富。這家療養院於1885年開業，它由很多三角牆紅磚建築組成，還有一個145英尺高的尖頂，聳立在薩里郡潮溼的空氣中。

Run initially as a private institution, the Holloway Sanatorium became a mental hospital withinBritain’s National Health Service after World War II. It was not closed until 1981. Many of itsrecords and casebooks were burned. The gutted building became a setting for horror ctors could not believe their luck. It is now a gated community of luxury homes.

霍洛威療養院最初是一家民營機構，第二次世界大戰後成爲英國國民健康服務(National Health Service)系統中的精神病院，一直到1981年才停業。它的很多記錄和病例資料都被燒燬。後來這棟內部被掏空的建築物成爲了拍恐怖片的地方。導演們簡直不敢相信自己如此好運。現在，它則成爲了一個封閉的豪宅社區。

Some records were preserved at the Surrey History Center. In the faint hope that a traceremained of my mother, I wrote to inquire. My parents had never spoken in any detail of herfirst depression. A letter came back a few weeks later. References to June Bernice Cohen hadbeen located in the admissions register and in ward reports from July 1958.

該療養院的有些記錄保存在薩里歷史中心(Surrey History Center)。我覺得母親當年的資料可能還留有片紙只言，於是懷着微弱的希望，給他們寫去了詢問信。我父母從來沒有談到她第一次抑鬱症發作時的任何細節。幾個星期後，我收到了回信。他們在1958年7月之後的一些入院註冊和病房報告中，找到了吉恩·伯尼斯·科恩(June Bernice Cohen)的名字。

These showed that “she was patient number 9413, was admitted on 25th July 1958 anddischarged on 12th September 1958.” The ward reports for most of August and Septemberhad vanished. I applied under Britain’s Freedom of Information Act to see the records.

這些資料顯示，“她的患者編號是9413，1958年7月25日入院，1958年9月12日出院。8月和9月的病房報告大部分已經散失。我以英國的《信息自由法》(Freedom of Information Act)爲依據，要求查看這些資料。

My re-encounter with my mother involved painstaking negotiation with an archivist. At last Iwas presented with the weighty register for female patients. Entries are written with fountainpen in cursive script. In columns across the page my mother is identified. “Name: June BerniceCOHEN. Ref Number: 9413. Age: 29. Marital Status: Married. Religion: JEW.”

在和一位檔案管理員進行過艱苦的交涉之後，我與母親再度重逢。最後我收到了一份沉甸甸的註冊表，裏面是女性患者的資料。條目用鋼筆草體寫成。在一些橫跨整頁的欄目中，我找到了母親的資料。“姓名：吉恩·伯尼斯·科恩。編號：9413。年齡：29歲。婚姻狀況：已婚。宗教：猶太教徒。”

I stared at her age — so young — and at the capitalized entry under religion: “JEW.” The nounform has a weight the adjective, Jewish, lacks. It seems loaded with a monosyllabic distaste,which was redoubled by the strange use of the uppercase. June was not religious. She is theyoungest on the page. She is also the only non-Christian.

我盯着她的年齡——如此年輕——以及宗教一欄中的大寫字母：“JEW(猶太教徒)”。這個名詞形式，具有形容詞“Jewish(猶太)”所缺乏的分量。它似乎承載着一個單音節的厭惡，然後通過用奇怪的大寫字母用法再次加倍。吉恩對宗教並不熱衷。她是這一頁上最年輕的患者。也是唯一的非

　　The first ward notes on my mother read, “History of depression in varying degrees since birthof second child, now fourteen months old. Husband is engaged in medical research. Patient hassome private psychotherapy and also modified insulin treatment at St. Mary’s last month,being discharged July 8th. On admission she was depressed, tearful and withdrawn.”

我母親的第一條病房記錄中寫着，“自從生下第二個孩子，就患有不同程度的抑鬱症，現在已有14個月。丈夫從事醫學研究。患者接受過一些私人心理治療，上個月在聖瑪麗醫院(St. Mary’s)接受過改良的胰島素治療，於7月8日出院。入院時，她情緒沮喪、流淚、沉默不語。”

The doctor examining my mother was struck by how “her tension increased remarkably onmention of latest child.” I ran my fingers over the page and paused at “JEW.” I wanted to take asoothing poultice to her face.

“當提到最近生下的孩子時，她的緊張程度明顯增加”，給她做檢查的醫生明顯地注意到了這一點。我的手指拂過頁面，並在“猶太教徒”上暫時停留。我想抹一些舒緩膏藥在她的臉上。

On July 28, 1958, my mother was visited by a Dr. Storey. He “confirms diagnosis of post-puerperal depression and advises Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT), which patient andhusband are now willing to accept.”

1958年7月28日，一位斯托雷醫生(Dr. Storey)對我母親進行了診斷。他“確認了產後抑鬱症的診斷，建議採取電痙攣療法(ECT)，患者和她的丈夫都表示接受”。

She first underwent electroshock treatment on July 30, 1958. I see my slight young motherwith metal plates on either side of her head, flattening her dark curls, her heart racing as herskull is enclosed in a high-voltage carapace. I can almost taste the material wedged in herover-salivating mouth for her to bite on as the current passes.

她首次經受電擊治療是在1958年7月30日。我彷彿見到了我那年輕瘦小的母親，在頭兩側都戴上了金屬板，她黑色的捲髮被壓平了，她的頭顱被裹在高電壓的頭罩之中，心臟在狂跳。我幾乎能嚐到塞進她淌着口水的嘴裏，讓她在電流通過時咬住的那個物體的質地。

The treatment was repeated a second time, on Aug. 1, 1958. That was one day before my thirdbirthday. So, at last, that is where she was.

1958年8月1日，這種治療又重複了一次。一天之後，就是我的三歲生日。終於，我知道了她當時在哪裏。

I now have some facts to anchor memory, fragments to fill absence. My mother, who recoveredsufficiently to be stable, if fragile, for about 15 years through my childhood and adolescence,would suffer from manic depression, or bipolar disorder, through the latter third of her died in 1999 at the age of 69. The ravages of this condition I observed; the onset of hermental instability I only felt.

現在，我瞭解了一些事實可以寄託回憶，也有了一些片段來填補母親不在身旁那段記憶的空白。母親的病情有了足夠的好轉，在我童年和少年的15年時間裏，她儘管虛弱，但情況穩定。但她在生命的最後三分之一，又會承受躁狂抑鬱症，也就是雙相障礙的痛苦。她在1999年去世，時年69歲。我目睹了疾病的摧殘，但只能憑感覺猜想她精神剛開始不穩定時的狀況。

The hidden hurts most. Mental illness is still too clouded in taboo. It took me a long time to findwhere my mother disappeared to. Knowledge in itself resolves nothing, but it helps.

隱藏的創傷最爲痛苦。精神疾病仍然深深地籠罩在禁忌之中。我花了很長時間才發現母親消失後到了哪裏。知道這一點，並不能解決任何問題，但畢竟有所幫助。

Acceptance — it comes down to that. This is how I came to this point, and to this place, by thislooping road, from such anguish, and I am still alive and full of hope.

接受——歸根結底就是這樣。我就是這樣，經過兜兜轉轉的路程，從這樣的苦痛出發，走到了現在，來到了這裏。而我還活着，還充滿希望。

　　母親永遠不會後悔!

Time is running out for my friend. While we are sitting at lunch she casually mentions she and her husband are thinking of starting a family. "We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

時光任苒，朋友已經老大不小了。我們坐在一起吃飯的時候，她漫不經心地提到她和她的丈夫正考慮要小孩。 “我們正在做一項調查，”她半開玩笑地說。“你覺得我應該要個小孩嗎?”

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous holidays..."

“他將改變你的生活。”我小心翼翼地說道，儘量使語氣保持客觀。“這我知道。”她答道，“週末睡不成懶覺，再也不能隨心所欲休假了……”

But that's not what I mean at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be vulnerable forever.

但我說的絕非這些。我注視着朋友，試圖整理一下自己的思緒。我想讓她知道她永遠不可能在分娩課上學到的東西。我想讓她知道：分娩的有形傷疤可以癒合，但是做母親的情感傷痕卻永遠如新，她會因此變得十分脆弱。

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without thinking: "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.

我想告誡她：做了母親後，每當她看報紙時就會情不自禁地聯想：“如果那件事情發生在我的孩子身上將會怎樣啊!”每一次飛機失事、每一場住宅火災都會讓她提心吊膽。看到那些忍飢挨餓的孩子們的照片時，她會思索：世界上還有什麼比眼睜睜地看着自己的孩子餓死更慘的事情呢?我打量着她精修細剪的指甲和時尚前衛的衣服，心裏想到：不管她打扮多麼考究，做了母親後，她會變得像護崽的母熊那樣原始而不修邊幅。

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting, and she will think her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her child is all right.

我覺得自己應該提醒她，不管她在工作上投入了多少年，一旦做了母親，工作就會脫離常規。她自然可以安排他人照顧孩子，但說不定哪天她要去參加一個非常重要的商務會議，卻忍不住想起寶寶身上散發的甜甜乳香。她不得不拼命剋制自己，纔不致於爲了看看孩子是否安然無羔而中途回家。

I want my friend to know that every decision will no longer be routine. That a five-year-old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at a restaurant will become a major dilemma. The issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in the lavatory. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

我想告訴朋友，有了孩子後，她將再也不能按照慣例做出決定。在餐館，5歲的兒子想進男廁而不願進女廁將成爲擺在她眼前的一大難題：她將在兩個選擇之間權衡一番：尊重孩子的獨立和性別意識，還是讓他進男廁所冒險被潛在的兒童性騷擾者侵害?任憑她在辦公室多麼果斷，作爲母親，她仍經常事後後悔自己當時的決定。

Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the added weight of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her own life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. She would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years — not to accomplish her own dreams — but to watch her children accomplish theirs.

注視着我的這位漂亮的朋友，我想讓她明確地知道，她最終會恢復到懷孕前的體重，但是她對自己的感覺已然不同。她現在視爲如此重要的生命將隨着孩子的誕生而變得不那麼寶貴。爲了救自己的孩子，她時刻願意獻出自己的生命。但她也開始希望多活一些年頭，不是爲了實現自己的夢想，而是爲了看着孩子們美夢成真。

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to hit a ball. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it hurts.

我想向朋友形容自己看到孩子學會擊球時的喜悅之情。我想讓她留意寶寶第一次觸摸狗的絨毛時的捧腹大笑。我想讓她品嚐快樂，儘管這快樂真實得令人心痛。

My friend's look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then, squeezing my friend's hand, I offer a prayer for her and me and all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of callings.

朋友的表情讓我意識到自己已經是熱淚盈眶。“你永遠不會後悔，”我最後說。然後緊緊地握住朋友的手，爲她、爲自己、也爲每一位艱難跋涉、準備響應母親職業神聖的召喚的平凡女性獻上自己的祈禱。