殘忍而美麗的情誼:The Kite Runner 追風箏的人(116)

“You know all those years I lived in your father’s house after you left?”
“Yes.”
“I wasn’t alone for all of them. Hassan lived there with me.”
“Hassan,” I said. When was the last time I had spoken his name? Those thorny old barbs of guilt bore into me once more, as if speaking his name had broken a spell, set them free to torment me anew. Suddenly the air in Rahim Khan’s little flat was too thick, too hot, too rich with the smell of the street.
“I thought about writing you and telling you before, but I wasn’t sure you wanted to know. Was I wrong?”
The truth was no. The lie was yes. I settled for something in between. “I don’t know.”He coughed another patch of blood into the handkerchief. When he bent his head to spit, I saw honey-crusted sores on his scalp. “I brought you here because I am going to ask something of you. I’m going to ask you to do something for me. But before I do, I want to tell you about Hassan. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” I murmured.
“I want to tell you about him. I want to tell you everything. You will listen?”I Rahim Khan sipped some more tea. Rested his head against the wall and spoke.

“你們離開之後，那些年我一直住在你家，你知道吧？”
“是的。”
“那些年我並非都是一人度過，哈桑跟我住在一起。”
“哈桑？”我說。我上次說出這個名字是什麼時候？那些久遠的負疚和罪惡感再次剌痛了我，似乎說出他的名字就解除了一個魔咒，將它們釋放出來，重新折磨我。剎那間，拉辛汗房間裏面的空氣變得太厚重、太熱，帶着太多街道上傳來的氣味。
“之前我有想過寫信給你，或者打電話告訴你，但我不知道你想不想聽。我錯了嗎？”
而真相是，他沒有錯。說他錯了則是謊言。我選擇了模糊其詞：“我不知道。”他又在手帕裏面咳出一口血。他彎腰吐痰的時候，我看見他頭皮上有結痂的瘡口。“我要你到這裏來，是因爲有些事情想求你。我想求你替我做些事情。但在我求你之前，我會先告訴你哈桑的事情，你懂嗎？”
“我懂。”我低聲說。
“我想告訴你關於他的事，我想告訴你一切。你會聽嗎？”我點點頭。然後拉辛汗又喝了幾口茶，把頭靠在牆上，開始說起來。