殘忍而美麗的情誼:The Kite Runner 追風箏的人(115)

“They were heroes,” Rahim Khan said.
“Peace at last.”
“Yes, hope is a strange thing. Peace at last. But at what price?” A violent coughing fit gripped Rahim Khan and rocked his gaunt body back and forth. When he spat into his handkerchief, it immediately stained red. I thought that was as good a time as any to address the elephant sweating with us in the tiny room.
“How are you?” I asked. “I mean really, how are you?”
“Dying, actually,” he said in a gurgling voice. Another round of coughing. More blood on the handkerchief. He wiped his mouth, blotted his sweaty brow from one wasted temple to the other with his sleeve, and gave me a quick glance. When he nodded, I knew he had read the next question on my face. “Not long,” he breathed.
“How long?”
He shrugged. Coughed again. “I don’t think I’ll see the end of this summer,” he said.
“Let me take you home with me. I can find you a good doctor. They’re coming up with new treatments all the time. There are new drugs and experimental treatments, we could enroll you in one...” I was rambling and I knew it. But it was better than crying, which I was probably going to do anyway.
He let out a chuff of laughter, revealed missing lower incisors. It was the most tired laughter I’d ever heard. “I see America has infused you with the optimism that has made her so great. That’s very good. We’re a melancholic people, we Afghans, aren’t we? Often, we wallow too much in ghamkhori and self-pity. We give in to loss, to suffering, accept it as a fact of life, even see it as necessary. Zendagi migzara, we say, life goes on. But I am not surrendering to fate here, I am being pragmatic. I have seen several good doctors here and they have given the same answer. I trust them and believe them. There is such a thing as God’s will.”
“There is only what you do and what you don’t do,” I said.
Rahim Khan laughed. “You sounded like your father just now. I miss him so much. But it is God’s will, Amir jan. It really is.” He paused. “Besides, there’s another reason I asked you to come here. I wanted to see you before I go, yes, but something else too.”
“Anything.”

“他們是英雄。”拉辛汗說。
“至少帶來了和平。”
“是的，希望是奇怪的東西。至少帶來了和平。但代價是什麼呢？”拉辛汗劇烈地咳嗽起來，瘦弱的身體咳得前後搖晃。他掏出手帕，往裏面吐痰，立刻將它染紅。我想這當頭，說一頭汗流浹背的大象跟我們同在這小小的房間裏面，那再也貼切不過。
“你怎麼樣？”我說，“別說客套話，你身體怎樣？”
“實際上，來日無多了。”他用沙啞的聲音說，又是一輪咳嗽。手帕染上更多的血。他擦擦嘴巴，用袖子從一邊塌陷的太陽穴抹向另一邊，抹去額頭上的汗珠，匆匆瞥了我一眼。他點點頭，我知道他讀懂了我臉上的疑問。
“不久了。”他喘息着。
“多久？”他聳聳肩，再次咳嗽。“我想我活不到夏天結束。”他說。
“跟我回家吧。我給你找個好大夫。他們總有各種各樣的新療法。那邊有新藥，實驗性療法，我們可以讓你住進……”我知道自己在信口開河。但這總比哭喊好，我終究可能還是會哭的。
他發出一陣咔咔的笑聲，下排牙齒已經不見了。那是我有生以來聽到最疲累的笑聲。“我知道美國給你灌輸了樂觀的性子，這也是她了不起的地方。那非常好。我們是憂鬱的民族，我們阿富汗人，對吧？我們總是陷在悲傷和自戀中。我們在失敗、災難面前屈服，將這些當成生活的實質，甚至視爲必須。我們總是說，生活會繼續的。但我在這裏，沒有向命運投降，我看過幾個很好的大夫，他們給的答案都一樣。我信任他們，相信他們。像這樣的事情，是真主的旨意。”
“只有你想做和不想做的事情罷了。”我說。

拉辛汗大笑。“你剛纔的口氣可真像你父親。我很懷念他。但這真的是真主的旨意，親愛的阿米爾。這真的是。”他停下。“另外，我要你來這裏還有另一個原因。我希望在離開人世之前看到你，但也還有其他緣故。”
“什麼原因都行。”