雙語散文:如果微軟造汽車
【英文原文】
If Microsoft Built Cars
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM1 had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash2 twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT"3. But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. If you tried to get your car to a mechanic, you'd make a long distance call, be put on hold for three or four hours, when you finally got the mechanic, you'd be told how to fix it yourself, and the mechanic would hang up before you even tried his or her suggestions.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
8. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
10. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
11. Your car's owner's manual would have been written by someone for whom English clearly was a second language.
12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
13. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes.
14. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!
15. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends and then copy it.
16. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.
17. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
據說在一次計算機展覽會上，比爾·蓋茨將計算機行業和汽車行業作了一番比較，並說道：“如果通用（汽車）的發展能像計算機行業一樣的話，那今天人人都能開着僅售25美元的汽車，而且一加侖汽油可以跑1,000英里。”作爲對比爾這番話的迴應，通用汽車發佈了一份新聞稿，聲明：如果通用像微軟那樣發展技術，那我們駕駛的汽車都將具有以下特點：
1． 每天汽車會無緣無故地撞車兩次。
2．每一次道路標線重畫時，你就得買一部新車。
3． 有時你的車會莫名其妙地在高速公路上熄火，你也只好認了，然後重新發動，繼續上路。
4． 有時，駕車完成某個動作，比如左轉，可能會導致熄火，而且無法再次發動，這種情形下惟一的解決方法是重新安裝引擎。
5． 每次汽車裏只能有一個人，除非你購買的是95型或NT型，不過那樣一來你就得加座椅。
6． 如果你想要請一位機修工幫忙，就得打長途電話，還得在線上等三到四個小時，好不容易通上電話後，他會告訴你怎樣自己維修，而且在你還沒來得及試試他的建議之前電話就被掛斷了。
7． 人們會爲微軟式汽車的新性能而激動不已，全然忘記了許多年前其他公司的汽車就已具備了這些性能。
8．車裏的安全氣囊彈出前，會先問“你確定嗎？”
9．有時候你的汽車會無緣無故地將你鎖在外面，除非你同時拉着車門把手、轉動車鑰匙、再抓着車上的收音機天線，它纔會讓你進去。
10．每次通用推出一款新車時，買主們就得重新學一遍開車，因爲新款與舊款的操作方法完全不同。
11．你車上的“駕駛員手冊”可能是由某位母語顯然不是英語的傢伙編寫的。
12. 即使撞車你也不知道是怎麼回事。
13. 微軟式汽車會配有專門的收/放音機，但它只能收聽微軟調頻臺，只能播放微軟磁帶。
14. 如果你依然開着老式車（也就是說， DOS 6.22型車或WIN 3.11型車），那你就會被人稱爲“老土”，但你的車（和新式車相比）能跑得更快，能上更多的路。
15. 如果你買不起新車，乾脆借朋友的車，複製一下即可。
16. 每次你買了車，都得先花上幾天時間改裝調試點火開關，然後它才能正常工作。
17. 關掉引擎的辦法是按下“啓動”鍵。
