我愛我的丈夫,也愛我的未婚夫

One week has passed since I gave birth to my son Jax, and today, I will bury my husband. As "Knockin' on Heavens Door" bounces off the walls of the Baptist church, I think back on our wedding day. Red roses, greenery, and candles surrounded us. It was a beautiful day, filled with so much love and new beginnings. I never could have imagined that almost 11 years later, I would sit in the same church and be forced to say goodbye. I hold our infant close as I look upon his father's casket. "This can't be real," I tell myself. It's the same line I've been telling myself for days.

生完兒子Jax一週後的今天，我即將埋葬我的丈夫。浸信會教堂內播放着《敲向天堂的門》（Knockin' on Heavens Door），我回想起婚禮當天的場景。紅玫瑰、綠植和蠟燭圍繞着我們。那天晴空萬里，充滿愛與新的開始。我從未想過，11年過後，我會坐在同一座教堂，被迫和他道別。看着丈夫棺材的那一刻，我緊緊抱着我們的寶寶。"這不可能是真的，"我對自己說。很多天以來，我都如是說道。

Justin and I married in 2003, when I was 20 and he was 22. We were young, in love, and so full of hopes and dreams. Our wedding was definitely on the larger side, with a wedding party of a headcount close to 400. After all, we had looked forward to our wedding day for more than six years.

2003年，我和賈斯汀結婚了，當時我20歲，他22歲。我們很年輕，也很相愛，充滿着希望與夢想。我們的婚禮非常盛大，大約有400位嘉賓。畢竟，我們6年前就開始期待這場婚禮了。

Today, the memories of our wedding are still pretty vivid, and I am grateful for that. But it's the memories of his funeral that seem to stick in my mind the most. The church that once brought me so much happiness now only brings pain. It's been four years since I lost Justin, and I still cannot bring myself to be inside those walls.

而今，婚禮當天的場景仍歷歷在目，我非常感激。但似乎，他的葬禮纔是我揮之不去的記憶。那座曾經給我帶來歡樂的教堂如今卻帶給我無盡的悲痛。賈斯汀去世四年了，我還是不敢再去那座教堂。

The day after Justin's funeral, someone asked me a question that I will never forget: "Do you think you will ever remarry?" I was completely caught off guard and found this question totally inappropriate. Not only was it way too soon for me to be pondering this sort of thing, but I'd never even considered the possibility of being with anyone else. But for whatever reason, I answered. "I think so," I responded. I couldn't believe my own words! Justin hadn't been gone a week and I already knew deep down that I wanted to find love again. Was I brave or was I just another fool?

賈斯汀葬禮的第二天，有人問了我一個我永遠都不會忘記的問題："你覺得你還會再婚嗎？"我措手不及，覺得他/她問這個問題真是不禮貌。不僅因爲考慮這個問題還爲時過早，而且還因爲我從未想過與他人在一起的可能性。但不知何故，我回道"我覺得會吧"。我不敢相信我竟然說了這種話！賈斯汀走了還不到一週，但我內心深處卻早已知道我會重新愛上某人。該說我是勇敢，還是蠢呢？