青少年犯罪類作文批改實錄與英語範文指導

編者按：英語作文有些涉及到青少年犯罪問題的，這些是當今社會的熱點話題嗎，也是英語考試的重點。

原文：

It is true that the incidence of minor crime is increasing at a rapid pace. There are some reasons for this, and steps should be taken to tackle this problem.

The shortcoming in ethical education is one cause of juvenile crime. Schools pay closer attention to core subjects than moral education. Therefore, teenagers cannot learn how to distinguish right and wrong, thereby committing crimeseasily. For example, some young people frequently see drugs as cool and become addicted, and they may resort to petty theft in order to pay for their habit. Besides, the young who are always exposed to unhealthy content are more likely to commit crimes. Youth are normally and may copy bad behavior they see on TV or Internet. For instance, teenagers who often watch films containing violent contents may be used to use violence to settle problems, which would lead to violent crimes.

There are some ways to curb juvenile delinquency. Clearly, schools ought to improve their teaching methods. They can make moral education a required course to help students understand the price of committing a crime, the danger of drugs and soon. This can help students become law-abiding citizens. In addition, parents have to ensure that young people are protected fromtoo much exposure to unhealthy content. They should spend more time with theirchildren and help them stay away from Internet and TV, thereby reducing the chances of watching violent and pornographic content. Also, governments should pass some laws aimed at the young. This would be a good deterrent and teenagers would think twice when they want to commit a crime.

In conclusion, the lack of ethical education and too much exposure to unhealthy content are responsible for the increase of juvenile crime. Parents, schools and governments should work together to prevent this kind of crimes.

Feedback:

邏輯：6 結構：6.5 學術：5 語法：5.5 總分：6

1.首先，文章的開頭是background，而background的老套路是改寫題目，一定要記住題目中一個很關鍵的時間點，in recent years，在改寫的時候一定要突出來， 這一點你沒有做到。(可用recently，last decade 等等代替)而用it is true略顯繁雜，肯定是true啊不然讓你寫幹什麼?所以換一種表達方式，常用方法是引起社會關注，即issue，controversy等。

2.在中高分段的寫作裏面structure非常的重要，它決定了你是否可用拿到6.5以上。而兩種方式突出structure：topic sentence 和連接詞。 在表明觀點類的段落中你做到了topic sentence而沒有做到連接詞，“The shortcoming in ethical education is one cause of juvenile crime”是你的topic sentence，但記住，topic sentence永遠要和連接詞在一起，可前可後，所以應該加上first等連詞以表示邏輯，後面同理。

efore後面再有thereby重複了。

很多不正確的中式表達在我寫的作文中已經改出來了，如see as， too much，unhealth contents, work together都過於口語化和中式化。

模仿不用copy，用imitate

建議類裏不能出現haveto，用should 或ought to 代替

犯罪不應該是when而應該是before

通過法律用implement或者enforce，不用pass

4.多用meanwhile，additionally，alternatively，finally，consequently等連詞連接，clearly，also很少在用到topic sentence時連接

5.能想到parents，schools，government三個平行方面非常棒!!!但在government後可以舉個例子，比如strengthen the censorship on media

我的範文：

Juvenile delinquency has been a preferred issue since the rate of minor crime is skyrocketing recently. There are a number of reasons resulting in this. Meanwhile, growing concerns on how to tackle this problem have been gained comprehensive attention.

First, the lack of moral education is one key contributor to juvenile delinquency. In contrast tomoral education, schools might pay more attention to instruction of core subjects. Therefore, teenagers cannot learn how to distinguish right and wrong, they are easily tempted to break laws. For example, taking drugs is usuallyconsidered to be a ‘cool’ thing by teenagers, thereby being addicted finally. Besides, for those who might be always exposed to violence and pornography, they are more likely to commit crimes comparably. Youth are normally immature hence they are likely to imitate the inappropriate behaviors they see on TV or Internet. Such as, some young viewers may adopt violent means to settle conflicts with other people.

There are some ways to curb juvenile delinquency. Firstly, the method that popularizes the moral education in schooling is necessarily implemented. Which can be attributed via enforcing moral education to be required, enabling to help students understand that they would pay a heavily price for their transgressions and know the danger of drugs so on. Consequently, people could become law-abidingcitizens based on well-educated moral knowledge. In addition, parents should ensure that their children are being protected in extensive negative coverage. Also, they need spend more time in accompanying with their children in order to keep them away from unhealthy things. Finally, government should implement some laws aiming at the young to restrict the pace of juvenile delinquency as this might be a strong deterrent before committing a crime to teenagers.

In conclusion, the combined effect resulting from the lack of moral education and negative media influence are responsible for the rise of juvenile crime. Meanwhile, it is worth highlighting that family, schools and governments should work jointly to prevent this kind of crime.

可以看出本文的兩段主體段一段寫青少年犯罪率高的原因，另外一段寫解決方法，都採用了“列舉式” 的寫法，這種寫法結構清晰，內容明瞭，可以使閱讀者在最快的時間內免去思考地獲得作者的意圖，列舉式寫法考驗的是學生的連接詞的使用能力和邏輯能力。

作者| Lynn

公衆號： 雅思寫作王

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