男士們到底應該穿些什麼?

Cathy Griffin and her boyfriend recently got dressed to go to Drago, a Santa Monica, Calif., restaurant. She donned a leopard-print chiffon dress with gold-and-pearl earrings. His ensemble? Frayed khaki pants, a green shirt missing a button, mismatched socks and a safari jacket.

'Perhaps you'd like to wear something a bit more formal?' Ms. Griffin, a 53-year-old executive recruiter, asked hopefully.

Nice try. Ms. Griffin's partner accused her of treating him like a child. She countered that he was dressed like one. They bickered. And he went to dinner in exactly what he'd originally planned to wear.

Long after we've learned to compromise on everything in a relationship, from where to live to what to eat tonight, personal style can seem like the last choice we get to make all by ourselves. Yet our spouse or significant other -- who admittedly has to look at us much more than we look at ourselves -- often has a strong opinion about what we wear. As any couples' therapist can tell you, an innocent-sounding 'Honey, are you really going to wear that?' often has the subtext 'It's going to reflect badly on me.'

Erika Chloe Grundland, 33, who runs a New York image- and fashion-consulting firm, wears designer clothes and coaches clients on how to improve their style. She's had no luck, though, with her fiance, Brian, who works at a hedge fund. He wears workout clothes to work -- sometimes with wingtip shoes. 'I cannot take him to social functions or events,' Ms. Grundland says. 'I am embarrassed by his personal appearance.'

In desperation, Ms. Grundland has hidden his sweats, shrunk sweaters in the dryer and cut holes in T-shirts. She has stocked his closet with custom-made suits and other new clothes -- which he, for the most part, ignores. This has led to arguments. 'I love him, but this makes things complicated where they shouldn't be complicated,' says Ms. Grundland. Her fiance declined to comment.

Relationships don't start out this way. At first, we're often attracted to, or at least tolerant of, a potential partner's style -- a quirky tie, a beat-up jacket, even a confident obliviousness to fashion. But just wait. See what happens when we find a mate and feel we can relax -- when we trade in the tailored shirts or stiletto heels for pants with expandable waistbands.

Ms. Griffin, of the safari-jacket episode, admits that when she first met her boyfriend, Peter Byrne, 85, a novelist and wildlife conservationist, she fell hard for what she thought of then as his 'Indiana Jones look.' Now, she says, he thinks she's a 'control freak.' 'Bossy broad' is the term he prefers, yet he says he's accustomed to her nagging, which he often ignores. 'I felt I was dressed comfortably and appropriately,' Mr. Byrne says of the Drago evening.

We usually can trust our friends when they tell us they don't like what we're wearing. If they don't do it too often, it seems like they're doing us a favor, saving us from bad choices. But this isn't so true of a mate. In our minds, a romantic partner is supposed to love us unconditionally and find us attractive even if we're wearing a burlap sack. Criticism from a sexual partner can cut to the quick.

I will admit that there's a double standard when it comes to women and men: Women seem to be allowed -- maybe even expected -- to make over their men. It's a time-honored tradition. (Why else would my cousin, Allon, have shown up at a family event last week wearing a cowl-neck T-shirt?)

Debbie Moore, 53, a communications consultant from Mount Laurel, N.J., says her husband, Greg, needed 'spiffing up' when she first met him. At the time, he was fond of old jeans, sneakers and a red sweatshirt with an American flag on the back that had once belonged to his daughter's boyfriend. Ms. Moore helped him pick out a new polo shirt, dressy shorts and his first pair of boat shoes when she brought him home to meet her family. 'I was surprised he didn't mind it, and his positive response encouraged me,' she says. His willingness to change 'spoke to the kind of person he is -- open-minded and willing to trust.' ('I needed guidance,' says Mr. Moore, 56. 'I like to look good for my wife.')

Woe to the man, though, who tries to make over his woman. With rare exceptions, even the most fashion-challenged woman thinks she knows more than her husband does about style. We're often more insecure, and our memories for perceived insults rival those of elephants.

Don't believe me? Ask my brother-in-law, JJ. When my sister, Rachel, recently asked him how her outfit looked, he answered, 'Like something a grandma would wear,' and added that he couldn't picture any of his female classmates in law school wearing it. I wish you could have seen the look Rachel gave him. She didn't speak to him for the rest of the day -- and brings this comment up every chance she gets. 'So much for honesty,' JJ says.

Therapists say that over time a partner's odd clothing choices may start to represent aspects of their personality that annoy us, whether it's laziness, carelessness or vanity. 'The reaction to the clothing is a symptom,' says Michael Zentman, a psychologist and director of the postgraduate program in marriage and couple therapy at Adelphi University, Garden City, N.Y.

Rob Wilson can tell you the exact item of clothing that helped end his 22-year marriage: the periwinkle capri pants his now ex-wife brought home for him a few years ago. 'They didn't even look like clam diggers,' says the 53-year-old motivational speaker from Atlanta. 'They looked like girl pants.'

In the early 1980s, when Mr. Wilson met his wife, who works in the fashion industry, he was sporting bell bottoms and floral shirts, and was happy to follow her advice. She introduced him to the color pink and taught him to wear suits with T-shirts instead of ties. 'I loved her and wanted to please her,' Mr. Wilson says. As time went on, though, he began to push back. 'I felt like it was controlling behavior,' Mr. Wilson says.

His ex-, Karen Johnson, 50, says she doesn't remember the capris but admits she did sometimes bring home 'weird' clothing samples from work. 'I was just trying to help him,' she says. 'I never tried to dictate what he should wear.'

So what does Mr. Wilson wear these days? Bell bottoms and Birkenstocks -- with socks.最近，格里芬（Cathy Griffin）和她的男友打算一起去加州聖莫尼卡（Santa Monica）一家名叫Drago的餐廳吃晚飯。格里芬佩戴了黃金珍珠耳環，穿上了豹紋雪紡連衣裙。她的男友呢？穿了一條磨舊的卡其布褲子，身着少了一顆鈕釦的綠色襯衫，還有毫不匹配的獵裝外套和短襪。

53歲的人事主管格里芬滿懷希望地問道，或許你應該穿得更正式一點？

這下可好，格里芬的男友指責她像對待小孩那樣和他說話，她則迴應說他的穿着看上去就像個小孩。他們開始爭吵，結果男友最後就是穿着前面說過的那套行頭去吃晚餐。

夫妻關係本來就是一段學會相互妥協的旅程，從生活在哪個城市，到晚上在哪兒吃飯，我們在一切大事小情上都得學會妥協。在這之後，個人的穿衣風格似乎是最後一件我們可以做主的事情。可就是在這件事情上，我們也身不由己。你的另一半和那些經常會見到你的人都在很大程度上影響你的穿衣選擇。就像任何一個婚姻家庭諮詢師都會告訴你的那樣，一句聽似無心的“親愛的，你真的打算穿這件嗎？”其實暗含下面的潛臺詞：“如果你這樣穿，將有損我的形象。”

33歲的葛蘭德蘭（Erika Chloe Grundland）在紐約經營一家形象和時尚諮詢公司。平日裏她穿着大牌設計師設計的名牌服裝，指導客戶如何提升穿衣品位。但她那位在對衝基金工作的未婚夫布萊恩（Brian）同樣沒有穿衣品位。他常穿着運動衣去上班，有時還搭配翼紋尖頭鞋。葛蘭德蘭說，我無法和他一起參加社交活動。他的形象令我感到很尷尬。

無奈之下，葛蘭德蘭只好把男友的運動套裝和縮水的套頭毛衣藏在烘乾機裏，並把他的T恤剪了許多洞。她在男友的衣櫃裏擺放了定做西裝和其他新衣服，但在大多數時候，他都視而不見。這往往會引發爭執。葛蘭德蘭說，我愛他，但如何穿衣這件事令很多事情變得複雜，生活本不應該是這樣的。她的未婚夫則拒絕發表評論。

兩性關係一開始並不是這樣的。起初，我們常常爲意中人的穿衣風格所吸引，或者至少能夠容忍對方的選擇，比如一條古怪的領帶，一件破舊的外套，甚至那種對時尚毫不在意的自信態度。但隨着交往的深入，當我們找到了生命中的另一半，感到可以放鬆下來的時候，情況就變了：我們放棄了定製襯衫或細高跟鞋，換上了可縮放腰圍的長褲。

前文那位格里芬承認，當她第一次見到現任男友彼得•伯恩（Peter Byrne）時，她深深地爲男友那副酷似“印第安那•鍾斯”（Indiana Jones，哈里森•福特在影片《奪寶奇兵》中扮演的角色）的外貌所吸引。85歲的伯恩是一名小說家和野生動物保護者。但現在格里芬說她的男友認爲她是一個“控制狂”——用她男友的話說就是一個“波士總管”（Bossy broad）。伯恩已經習慣了她的嘮叨，多數時候選擇兩耳不聞。在Drago吃飯的那個晚上，他認爲自己穿着舒適，也很得體。

如果朋友告訴我們穿着不是很得體，我們一般都會遵從他們的建議。只要他們不是經常對我們的穿着指指點點，我們都會把這當作善意的提醒，以避免自己穿衣不當。但伴侶之間就是另外一回事了。在我們看來，另一半應該無條件地愛我們，哪怕我們只是身裹一條麻袋，對方都應該覺得我們很有魅力。來自伴侶的批評會讓我們覺得很受傷。

我承認具體到男人和女人，在這件事有着雙重標準：女人可以（甚至是被認爲應該）安排男人的穿衣打扮，這是一個由來已久的傳統（否則我的表哥Allon又怎麼會懂得在上週的家庭聚會上穿一件翻領T恤呢？）。

53歲的黛比•摩爾（Debbie Moore）是新澤西州月桂山市（Mount Laurel）的一名對外聯絡顧問。她說自己第一次見到現在的丈夫葛列格（Greg）時，覺得他需要一番“時尚大改造”。那時的葛列格喜歡穿舊牛仔褲和運動鞋，搭配一件背後印有美國國旗的紅色運動衫。這件運動衫還是他女兒男友曾經穿過的。摩爾帶他回家見自己的家人時，特地爲他挑了一件新的polo衫，一條考究的短褲和他平生的第一雙帆船鞋。摩爾說，我很驚訝他並不介意我爲他這麼做，他的積極反應鼓勵了我。他願意改變的態度證明了他是一個思想開放的人，願意相信他人。（56歲的葛列格說，我需要穿衣指導，我願意爲我的妻子改變自己的形象。）

而對男人來說，如果你試圖改造女人，那麼災難就要降臨了。除了極少數例外，即便是那些最不懂時尚的女人也認爲自己比丈夫瞭解服飾潮流。女性往往更缺乏安全感，因此感覺受侮辱常常會耿耿於懷。

你不相信我說的話？那麼就問問我的妹夫JJ吧。最近我妹妹瑞吉兒（Rachel）問他對自己穿的那套套裝的看法，JJ回答說“就像老奶奶穿的一樣”，還不忘加上一句，說他無法想像自己在法學院的女同學會穿這樣的衣服。我真希望你能看到當時瑞吉兒給他的表情，那之後的一整天她都沒和JJ說話，此後只要有機會她就會把我妹夫的評價說給別人聽。JJ感嘆道，我真傻，說的也太直白。

婚姻諮詢顧問則說，隨着時間的推移，你的另一半古怪的穿衣選擇也許代表了他們性格中那些會激怒我們的某些方面，比如說懶惰、疏忽或虛榮。紐約州花園城（Garden City）艾德菲大學（Adelphi University）婚姻和夫妻心理治療的研究生課程主任、心理學家詹特曼(Michael Zentman)說，對伴侶穿着的反應是一種徵兆。

53歲的威爾遜（Rob Wilson）是亞特蘭大的一名勵志演說家，他至今還清楚地記得到底是哪一件衣服結束了他22年的婚姻生活。幾年前，他的前妻給他買了一條淺藍色的七分褲，在他看來，這哪是什麼七分褲啊，就是一條女式的褲子嘛。

在上世紀80年代初，威爾遜先生認識了在時尚界工作的前妻。當時他還“自豪地”穿着喇叭褲和花襯衫，不過他很樂意接受前妻的穿衣指導。她把粉色系的服裝介紹給了威爾遜，教會他穿西裝也可以搭配T 恤，而不僅僅是領帶。威爾遜說，我愛她，想讓她高興。但是，隨着時間的推移，他開始漸漸不能接受了。威爾遜說，我覺得這是對我行爲的控制。

他的前妻詹森今年50歲，她說自己不記得那條褲子的事情，但她承認有時下班會帶些很“怪異”的服裝回家。她說，我只是想幫助他，我從來沒有試圖去支配他，命令他應該穿什麼。

那麼現在威爾遜又穿些什麼呢？依舊是喇叭褲配勃肯鞋——只不過現在他穿上了襪子！