幽默英語小笑話12篇

下面是本站小編整理的幽默英語小笑話，希望大家會喜歡!

　　幽默英語小笑話：The Monkey

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

一男子去酒吧，點了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。當他環視酒吧時，發現一隻猴子蕩下來，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。該男子問酒吧招待，這隻猴子是誰的。服務員回答說是鋼琴手的。男子走到鋼琴手面前問：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒嗎?”鋼琴手回答說：“沒有，但是如果你能哼唱，我會爲你演奏的。”

　　幽默英語小笑話：絕配

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son."Dad, “says the son, there’s something I’ve got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

"Son”, the father replies, I painted the vase."

一個富有的主婦很是驕傲因爲她收藏了一件非常有價值的古董花瓶，於是她決定把臥室粉刷成與花瓶同樣的顏色。許多油漆匠都試圖盡力與花瓶的顏色匹配，但是沒有任何人能做得 讓那古怪的女人滿意的。

一個油漆匠很自信他能做到，最終他成功了。那個主婦很滿意，於是這個油漆匠也變得很出名。

多年以後，油漆匠要退休了，他把自己的生意交給兒子去經營。“爸爸”兒子問“我還有些事情想知道，你怎麼能把牆粉刷得和花瓶的顏色那麼相配?”“兒子”爸爸回答到“我只不過是把花瓶刷了。”

　　幽默英語小笑話：I didn't know that I was so far back already

A big battle was going on during the First World were firing， and shells and bullets were flying about r an hour of this， one of the soldiers decidedthat the fighting was getting too dangerous for him， so he leftthe front line and began to go away from the battle. After hehad walked for an hour，he saw an officer coming towardshim. The officer stopped him and said，“ where are you going?” “I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battlethat's going on behind us， sir，” the soldier answered. “Do you know who I am?” the officer said to him angrily.“I'm your commanding officer.” The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said，“My God，I didn't know that I was so far back already!”

第一次世界大戰期間，一場大戰役正在進行。槍炮轟鳴，炮彈和子彈到處亂飛。這樣過了一個小時後，一個士兵認定戰鬥對他來說變得太危險了，所以他離開前線開始逃離戰場。步行了一個小時之後，他看見一個軍官向他走過來。那軍官叫住他說：“你要到哪兒去?” “長官，我正儘可能遠地躲開我們身後正在進行的戰役，”士兵回答說。 “你知道我是誰嗎?”軍官生氣地對他說：“我是你的指揮官。” 那士兵聽到此話感到非常驚訝，說：“天哪，我想不到我已經往回跑了這麼遠了!”

　　幽默英語小笑話：吝嗇鬼的聚會

The Mean Mans Party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

吝嗇鬼的聚會

一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了後，再用你的腳把門推開。”

“爲什麼我要用我的肘和腳呢?”

“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空着手來吧?”

　　幽默英語小笑話：Older Goats in America美國老羊

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

一羣美國人乘長途汽車在荷蘭旅遊。他們在一個奶酪場停下來。一位年輕的導遊帶他們參觀了奶酪製作的全過程，解釋說用的是羊奶。 她指給這羣人一個美麗的山坡，山坡上許多羊在吃草。對這些，她解釋說，是放逐草地的老羊，它們已不能再產奶。她然後問道：“在美國你們怎樣處理老羊呢?”

一位活潑的老紳士回答說：“他們讓我們乘車旅行!”

　　幽默英語小笑話：問問你自己的吧

Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at p Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the k declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make sallied forth. “What time is it，Bub?They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met. “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply.

這是華盛頓的一個陰冷天。錢普·克拉克正和一個來訪的英國人討論城市的流浪兒，英國人詳細地敘述着倫敦式天才的機智。克拉克宣稱，要是對方向華盛頓街上任何一個兒童提任何問題，那孩子都會對答如流。他們便出發了。 “什麼時候了，小兄弟?人們說你能用鼻子報時。” 回答是：“先生，問問你自己的吧，的不在走呢。”

　　幽默英語小笑話：Dream 夢想

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.

農校的招生辦主任在面試一個上線的學生，“你爲何要選擇這個職業?”他問。 “我夢想以經營農場來賺一百萬元，就像我父親一樣。”這個學生回答說。 “你父親經營農場賺了一百萬元?”主任驚詫地問道。

“沒有，”這位申請人回答道，“他總是夢想着賺到這個數目。”

　　幽默英語小笑話：Wedding or Not

Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.

Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!

弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個終生單身漢。他曾追求過很多女孩，但“從不過熱----見好就收”。一天他突發奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時女友。

他回來即嘆道：“噓!謝天謝地幸虧我沒娶那些女人中的任何一個。如今她們都成寡婦了!”

　　幽默英語小笑話：A Boy with a Big Head大頭娃娃

A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."

"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."

"Where is the shopping bag?"

"I haven't got one-use your hat."

一個小男孩向他母親哭訴道：“他們都取笑我，說我腦袋大。” “別聽他們的，”他母親安慰道，“你有一個很漂亮的腦袋。好啦，別哭了，去商店買十斤土豆來。”

“購物袋在哪兒?”

“沒購物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。”

　　幽默英語小笑話：All Right 沒關係

Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.

我趕着開車將11歲的女兒送到學校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯註:在一些國家如英國,其交通規則是車輛左行的,與我國相反)。啊噢，意識到犯了錯誤，我說。我剛纔拐彎是違章的。我想那沒關係的，女兒回答說：我們後面的警車也同樣拐了彎。

　　幽默英語小笑話：第一次開出租車

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

乘客輕拍了一下出租車司機的肩膀，想問個問題。司機大叫起來，車也失去了控制，幾乎撞上一輛公車，還上了便道，在還差幾釐米就撞上商店櫥窗時終於停了下來。

司機說：“夥計，別再這麼幹了。你把我嚇破膽了!”乘客抱歉地說，“我沒想到拍你一下就嚇成這樣。” 司機說：“對不起，也不全是你的錯。今天是我第一天開出租，以前25年裏我一直開殯葬車。”

　　幽默英語小笑話：摩西和耶穌

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".

一個竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個喜歡的CD機，他趕緊拿了。就在這個時候他聽到有人說：“耶穌正在看着你。”他照着手電看來看去，嘀咕着：“到底是什麼人在說話?”這時，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來了：“耶穌正在看着你。”他躲到一個角落，想找出是誰在說話。結果看到一隻鸚鵡，於是他問鸚鵡：“是你在說話嗎?”鸚鵡承認了。 小賊說：“你叫什麼名字?”“摩西”。小賊說：“什麼人給鳥取這種名字?”鸚鵡回答：“就是那個給他的羅威那犬取名爲‘耶穌’的那個人啊。”