諾貝爾文學經典:《寵兒》第2章Part 6

Sethe made two fists and placed them on her hips. "You as bad as she is.""Come on, Sethe.""Oh, I am coming on. I am!""You know what I mean.""I do and I don't like it.""Jesus," he whispered.
"Who?" Sethe was getting loud again.
"Jesus! I said Jesus! All I did was sit down for supper! and I get cussed out twice. Once for beinghere and once for asking why I was cussed in the first place!""She didn't cuss.""No? Felt like it.""Look here. I apologize for her. I'm real — ""You can't do that. You can't apologize for nobody. She got to do that.""Then I'll see that she does." Sethe sighed. "What I want to know is, is she asking a question that'son your mind too?""Oh no. No, Paul D. Oh no.""Then she's of one mind and you another? If you can call what ever's in her head a mind, that is.""Excuse me, but I can't hear a word against her. I'll chastise her. You leave her alone."Risky, thought Paul D, very risky. For a used-to-be-slave woman to love anything that much wasdangerous, especially if it was her children she had settled on to love. The best thing, he knew, wasto love just a little bit; everything, just a little bit, so when they broke its back, or shoved it in acroaker sack, well, maybe you'd have a little love left over for the next one.
"Why?" he asked her."Why you think you have to take up for her? Apologize for her? She's grown.""I don't care what she is. Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They getbigger, older, but grown? What's that supposed to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing.""It means she has to take it if she acts up. You can't protect her every minute. What's going tohappen when you die?""Nothing! I'll protect her while I'm live and I'll protect her when I ain't.""Oh well, I'm through," he said. "I quit.""That's the way it is, Paul D. I can't explain it to you no better than that, but that's the way it is. If Ihave to choose — well, it's not even a choice.""That's the point. The whole point. I'm not asking you to choose. Nobody would. I thought — well,I thought you could — there was some space for me.""She's asking me.""You can't go by that. You got to say it to her. Tell her it's not about choosing somebody over her— it's making space for somebody along with her. You got to say it. And if you say it and mean it,then you also got to know you can't gag me. There's no way I'm going to hurt her or not take careof what she need if I can, but I can't be told to keep my mouth shut if she's acting ugly. You wantme here, don't put no gag on me.""Maybe I should leave things the way they are," she said.

塞絲攥起兩隻拳頭，把它們藏在屁股後面。“你跟她一樣差勁。”“得啦，塞絲。”“噢，我要說，我要說!”“你知道我什麼意思。”“我知道，而且不高興。”“耶穌啊。”他嘟囔道。
“誰？”塞絲又開始提高音量。
“耶穌!我說的是耶穌!我只不過坐下來吃頓晚飯，就給罵了兩回。一回是因爲在這兒待着，一回是因爲問問一開始爲什麼捱罵!”“她沒罵。”“沒罵？聽着可像。”“聽我說。我替她道歉。我真的———”“你做不到。你不能替別人道歉。得讓她來說。”“那麼我會讓她說的。”塞絲嘆了口氣。“我想知道的是，她問的問題你腦子裏也有嗎？”“噢，不是。不是，保羅?D。噢，不是。”“這麼說她有一套想法，而你有另一套嘍？要是你能把她腦子裏的什麼玩意兒都叫做想法的話。”“原諒我，可是我聽不得一丁點兒她的壞話。我會懲罰她的。你甭管她。”危險，保羅?D想，太危險了。一個做過奴隸的女人，這樣強烈地去愛什麼都危險，尤其當她愛的是自己的孩子。最好的辦法，他知道，是隻愛一點點；對於一切，都只愛一點點，這樣，當他們折斷它的脊樑，或者將它胡亂塞進收屍袋的時候，那麼，也許你還會有一點愛留給下一個。
“爲什麼？”他問她，“爲什麼你覺得你得替她承擔？替她道歉？她已經成熟了。”“我可不管她怎麼樣了。成熟對一個母親來說啥都不算。孩子就是孩子。他們會變大、變老，可是變成熟？那是什麼意思？在我心裏那什麼也不算。”“成熟意味着她必須對她的行爲負責。你不能時時刻刻護着她。你死了以後怎麼辦？”“不怎麼辦!我活着的時候保護她，我不活的時候還保護她。”“噢得啦，我沒詞兒了，”他說，“我投降。”“就是那麼回事，保羅?D。我沒有更好的解釋，可就是那麼回事。假如我非選擇不可———唉，連選擇都沒有。”“就是這個意思，完全正確。我不是要求你去選擇，誰也不會這樣要求你。我以爲———我是說，我以爲你能———給我一席之地。”“她也在問我。”“你逃不過去。你得對她講。告訴她這不是放棄她選擇別人的問題———是同她一道爲別人騰點地方。你得講出來。要是你這樣講也這樣打算，那麼你也該明白你不能堵住我的嘴。做得到的話，我絕不可能傷害她或者不照顧好她，可是如果她做事丟人現眼，我不能讓人跟我說住嘴。你願意我待在這兒，就別堵住我的嘴。”“也許我應該順其自然。”她說。