經典科幻文學:《生命 宇宙及一切》第11章5

It is?
Mmmm.
You didn’t just go “mmmm” twice?
Mmmm mmmm.
Hmmmm.
He inched his way up the corridor as if he would rather be yarding his way down it, which was true.
He was within two yards of the door to the bridge when he suddenly realized to his horror that it was going to be nice to him, and he stopped dead. He hadn’t been able to turn off the doors’ courtesy voice circuits.
This doorway to the bridge was concealed from view within it because of the excitingly chunky way in which the bridge had been designed to curve round, and he had been hoping to enter unobserved.
He leant despondently back against the wall again and said some words which his other head was quite shocked to hear.
He peered at the dim pink outline of the door, and discovered that in the darkness of the corridor he could just about make out the Sensor Field which extended out into the corridor and told the door when there was someone there for whom it must open and to whom it must make a cheery and pleasant remark.
He pressed himself hard back against the wall and edged himself towards the door, flattening his chest as much as he possibly could to avoid brushing against the very, very dim perimeter of the field. He held his breath, and congratulated himself on having lain in bed sulking for the last few days rather than trying to work out his feelings on chest expanders in the ship’s gym.
He then realized he was going to have to speak at this point. He took a series of very shallow breaths, and then said as quickly and as quietly as he could:
Door, if you can hear me, say so very, very quietly.
Very, very quietly, the door murmured:
I can hear you.
Good. Now, in a moment, I’m going to ask you to open. When you open I do not want you to say that you enjoyed it, OK?
OK.
And I don’t want you to say to me that I have made a simple door very happy, or that it is your pleasure to open for me and your satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done, OK?
OK.
And I do not want you to ask me to have a nice day, understand?
I understand.

“是嗎？”
“嗯。”
“你剛纔說了兩聲嗯？”
“嗯嗯。”
“哦。”
他一點一點朝那頭挪動，實際上他更想大步大步朝反方向跑掉。
離控制檯的門只有一兩米了。突然，他想起一件關於門的可怕的事，頓時臉都僵了——他沒法把門的問候設置關掉。
控制檯入口現在還看不見，因爲控制檯被設計成一種胖胖的弧線形狀。剛纔他還幻想自己能神不知鬼不覺地溜進去。
他沮喪地靠回牆壁，罵了幾句粗話，連他的另一個頭聽了也覺得驚訝。
他眯着眼睛，盯着那扇門的粉色輪廓，努力推斷出感應器的感應範圍——那塊範圍投射在黑暗的走廊上，門可以通過它來判斷何時打開、說點什麼愉快的問候語。
他緊緊貼在牆上，沿着牆根朝門移動，盡全力吸着自己的胸膛，以免碰到那界限不明的感應範圍。他屏着氣，暗自慶幸過去幾天自己是躺在牀上生悶氣，而不是到飛船健身房去練胸肌發泄情緒。
他覺得現在可以說話了。他微弱地喘了幾下，然後迅速而輕聲地說：
“門，如果你聽的見，就很輕很輕地回答我。”
門很輕很輕地喃喃道：
“我聽得見。”
“好，現在，馬上，我會叫你開門。你開的時候，不許說你很高興，OK？”
“OK。”
“也不許說我讓一扇小小的門感到非常開心，或者說爲我打開是你的榮幸，爲我關上之後結束一切工作，也令你心滿意足，OK？”
“OK。”
“也不許說祝我愉快，懂嗎？”
“懂了。”