他她話題:婚姻生活 少提建議

I know what you should do and here's my advice.

我知道你該怎麼做，這是我給你的建議。

How many times have you heard that (and groaned)?

上面的話你已經聽過多少遍了？爲此抱怨過多少次了？

Advice giving, especially unsolicited, is tricky. Being on the receiving end can be annoying and make us defensive. But giving advice can be frustrating, as well, particularly when the intended beneficiary of our wisdom makes it clear it isn't welcome─or takes the same recommendations we've been giving for months from someone else. The whole advice issue is typically hardest to navigate with the person we know the best: our spouse or partner.

向別人提建議，尤其是未經他人請求便主動作出忠告是很難辦的。處在接受建議的這方位置上，可能會覺得厭煩，也會致使他心存戒備。但提出建議同樣令人沮喪，尤其是當預期受益人明確表示我們的想法不受歡迎時──或者對我們幾個月來一直掛在嘴邊的建議置之不理、轉而卻去採納別人的雷同意見時，情況更是如此。與我們最瞭解的人──配偶或伴侶──在一起時，有關建議的這個問題通常是最難把握的。

In a series of six studies that followed 100 couples for the first seven years of marriage, researchers at the University of Iowa found that both husbands and wives feel lower marital satisfaction when they are given too much advice from a spouse, as opposed to too little. And─surprise!─unsolicited advice is the most damaging kind. The most recent study was published in 2009 in the Journal of Family Psychology.

在六項追蹤100對夫婦頭七年婚姻生活的一系列研究中，愛荷華大學(University of Iowa)的研究人員發現，當配偶給對方提出的建議過多而不是過少時，接受建議的那一方──不管是丈夫還是妻子──都會覺得婚姻的滿意度較低。然而，令人驚訝的是，主動給別人提出建議是最具損害性的。最新的這項研究發表在2009年的《家庭心理學期刊》(Journal of Family Psychology)上。

In one study, the researchers videotaped spouses discussing a problem that one of them had─say a struggle to lose weight or quit smoking─while the other partner offered advice. They then examined the positive and negative behaviors that each person engaged in while asking for support, receiving it or providing it.

在一項研究中，工作人員用攝像機將夫妻倆討論一方身上具有的問題──比如說努力減肥或戒菸──而另一方則就此給出建議的情形錄了下來。然後，研究人員查看了這些夫妻在尋求支持、接受幫助或提供支持的時候，他們每一個人參與其中作出的積極和消極行爲。

One result of the study was unexpected: How the person asking for or receiving the support behaves is more important to the health of the relationship than how the person giving the advice behaves. 'It's a vulnerable position to need support,' says Erika Lawrence, one of the lead researchers on the studies and associate professor at the University of Iowa.

該研究得的一個結果出人意料：對於男女關係的健康狀況而言，一個人如何尋求或接受支持的行爲比這個人如何提出建議的行爲更重要。愛荷華大學副教授、該系列研究的帶頭人之一埃裏卡•勞倫斯(Erika Lawrence)說：“在需要支持的時候，人們總處在一個很脆弱的位置。”

Another finding: When too little advice was offered in a marriage, it was the men who suffered more. Researchers believe this is because husbands often look to their wives as their primary source of encouragement, while wives lean on friends and other loved ones, in addition to their husbands.

另一個發現是：當夫妻一方給出的建議太少時，男性會比女性更受困擾。研究人員認爲，這是因爲丈夫常常將自己的妻子視爲他們主要的動力源泉，而在妻子這一方，除了自己的丈夫以外，她們還會依賴朋友和其他所愛的人。

Men and women tend to experience different emotions when they receive advice from a partner, says Anna Ranieri, a psychologist in Palo Alto, Calif., and co-author of 'How Can I Help? What you Can (and Can't) Do to Counsel a Friend, Colleague or Family Member with a Problem.' When wives offer guidance, husbands often feel reprimanded or nagged. Yet when the advice comes from the husbands─who are more likely to give tangible, fix-it type suggestions to a problem─it is common for wives to feel that they are being condescended to or seen as incapable.

加州帕洛阿爾託市(Palo Alto)的心理學家安娜•拉涅利(Anna Ranieri)說，男人和女人在從伴侶那兒接受建議時一般會產生不同的情感。當妻子們提供指導意見時，丈夫們常常會覺得受到了訓斥或遭遇了嘮叨。然而當建議從丈夫──他們更易提出切實可行的、旨在解決問題的建議──口中說出時，妻子們會覺得自己被他看不起或被視爲無能，這種情況很常見。拉涅利也是《我能幫上什麼忙？在給遇見問題的朋友、同事或家庭成員出主意時你能做的（和不能做的）一些事》一書的合着者。

Just ask Claude and Kate Colp about the 'onion incident.' The couple, who have been married three years and live in Wayland, Mass., used to enjoy cooking dinner together after work. One day, Ms. Colp was cutting an onion for salsa, happily chatting away, when her husband grabbed the knife and told her she was doing it wrong─making slices instead of dices. He finished the chopping, explaining his technique. 'It was very harsh,' says Ms. Colp, 31, an account manager for a corporate wellness program. 'He took the knife as if I was an idiot.' Mr. Colp, 32, who recently finished his M.B.A., explains: 'I know a superior way to cut an onion. I was taught by a chef.'

只要問一問克勞德(Claude)和凱特•考爾普(Kate Colp)有關“洋蔥事件”的來龍去脈，你就能明白我說的意思。這對已經結婚三年的夫婦現居馬薩諸塞州韋蘭市(Wayland)，他們過去常常在工作結束後便一起下廚做飯。有一天，爲製作辣調味汁做準備的考爾普太太一邊切着洋蔥一邊愉快地聊着天，這時她的丈夫抓起了那把刀，告訴他的妻子，她現在做得不對──-洋蔥應該切成片兒而不是丁兒。考爾普先生一邊解釋着自己的刀工技藝一邊完成了切洋蔥的活兒。考爾普太太說：“那太嚴苛了。”現年31歲的考爾普太太是一項企業員工安康項目的客戶經理，她說：“他奪走了那把刀，就好像我是個白癡一樣。”考爾普先生則解釋道：“我知道一種更好的切洋蔥的方法，那可是一位大廚教給我的。”現年32歲的他剛剛完成了自己的M.B.A.學業。

Ms. Colp has annoyed her husband with advice, too. At a Mexican restaurant with three other couples Mr. Colp announced that he would never eat chicken tacos (the dish the person next to him had ordered), and then launched into a sermon about genetically modified food. After the dinner, Ms. Colp pointed out that he had bored their friends and told him he needed to remember ask people questions, not just talk about himself. Mr. Colp fumed─not speaking for the rest of the 45-minute ride home. 'I felt like I just got scolded by my mother,' he says.

考爾普太太也曾因提建議的事惹惱過她的丈夫。有一次在一家墨西哥餐廳和其他三對夫婦就餐時，考爾普先生聲稱自己將永遠不會吃墨西哥雞肉卷（他鄰座的一個人已經點了這道菜），接着他就開始大談特談轉基因食品。晚餐結束以後，考爾普太太指出丈夫讓他們的朋友覺到無聊，並告訴他說要記得向人們發問，不要只顧自己說自己的。考爾普先生便發怒了──-在他們駕車回家剩餘的45分鐘裏，他一句話也沒說。考爾普先生稱：“我覺得就像受到了我媽的訓斥。”

'The things said to you by your wife have history behind them,' says Mr. Colp. 'I know she knows my faults and weaknesses.'

考爾普先生說：“你妻子對你所說的話，背後總有其緣由。我知道，她瞭解我的錯誤和缺點。”

There's the rub: Spouses often assume we are touching on their faults deliberately─so even well-meaning advice strikes them as criticism. And they get sick of us offering up the same advice over and over.

但難就難在：我們的配偶老是覺得我們是在故意觸碰他們的錯誤──-所以即使是好心的建議也會被他們當成批評。當我們一次次提出相同的建議時，他們還會感到厭煩。

Since spouses know each other so well, they think they know exactly what the other needs to do. 'It's a mind-reading problem,' says Dr. Ranieri. 'We tend to quickstep into giving advice, leaving out the important intermediate step of finding out more about what is going on.'

由於夫妻二人是如此瞭解對方，所以他們覺得自己非常清楚另一半需要些什麼。拉涅利說：“這是一個讀心術問題。我們一般都會直接快進到提建議的那一步，而忽視漏掉了重要的中間步驟──-進一步弄清到底發生了什麼。”

One way to give better advice is to first make sure your spouse actually wants your help. You can do this by asking─a novel idea!─'Would you like some ideas on that?'

給出更好建議的一個途徑是先確定你的伴侶真的想要你的幫助。你可以通過發問瞭解這一點──-多新奇的一個主意！──-“你願意聽聽我對那件事的想法嗎？”

Consider what Dr. Lawrence, of the University of Iowa, calls the Platinum Rule: 'Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.' In other words, stop and listen. Sometimes listening can be even more effective than giving advice. 'If you allow someone the time to talk something through, that can help them determine what advice to give themselves,' says Dr. Ranieri.

想一想愛荷華大學勞倫斯所說的白金規則：“己所不欲，勿施於人。”換句話說，就是停下來，去傾聽。有時，傾聽甚至能比提建議更有效。拉涅利說：“如果你給某個人足夠的時間去徹談一些事，那將會幫助他們、讓他們自己去拿主意。”

Or try telling them a story. 'This might not be appropriate for you, but what I did when I had a similar problem was…' This approach allows an exchange of information. 'The person with the problem can say, 'Thank you for the story but here is the difference for me with my situation,' ' says Dr. Ranieri. 'Then you can target your next remarks to that.'

或者試着給他們講一個故事。“這個可能對你不適用，但當我曾經遇到類似問題的時候，我是這樣做的……”這種方式會促成信息交流。“遇到問題的那個人可以說，'謝謝你的故事，但我的情況在這一點上有所不同。'”拉涅利說：“然後你就能轉到下一個話題上了。”

What if you're the recipient of unwanted advice? Respond with a 'thank you,' to acknowledge the gesture. Then explain that you aren't looking for advice at this time. This allows for the possibility that down the road you may want advice.

如果你收到了一條無用的建議，該怎麼辦呢？迴應對方一句“謝謝你”，以此來表達你的謝意。然後解釋說，你目前並未在搜尋建議。這就爲你今後可能需要建議時留有了餘地。

Be sure to explain what would be helpful to you. Do you need someone to simply listen? Brainstorm? Bring chicken soup? Someone who loves you will be relieved to know how to be useful.

你一定要解釋清楚什麼樣的事情將是對你有幫助的。你是僅僅需要有個人來傾聽？還是需要一場頭腦風暴？抑或是給你帶來心靈雞湯？關愛你的人在搞清楚如何能夠幫到你後，他們纔會寬心。

'We often don't know what we want, just that what they did didn't help,' says Dr. Lawrence. 'I encourage spouses to really try to think about what kinds of support they need─do they want their spouse to give advice, tangible support, just listen?'

勞倫斯說：“我們經常都不知道自己想要什麼，只知道對方的所作所爲根本不起作用。我鼓勵伴侶們真的要好好試着想想他們需要什麼類型的支持──-是想讓自己的配偶提出建議，給予切實的支持，還是僅僅只需要有人傾聽？”

The Colps's hard-won advice on giving advice: Outsource it. Ms. Colp now sometimes discusses what advice to give her husband with her mother, then asks her to deliver it. (This works because her mother and husband are close, she says.) And Mr. Colp recently had a friend teach his wife to wakeboard. The couple also notes that tone and timing are important. (A rule: No giving advice before dinner, when everyone's hungry.)

考爾普夫婦在提建議方面有一個得之不易的經驗之談：將這件事“外包”出去。考爾普太太現在有時就會和自己的媽媽一道討論該向考爾普先生提出怎樣的建議，然後她會要求媽媽去向自己的丈夫傳達這層意思。（她說，這招之所以能夠行得通，是因爲她的媽媽和自己的丈夫比較親。）而近來，考爾普先生又讓自己的一位朋友教妻子進行花式滑水。這對夫婦也注意到，提建議的口氣和時機也很重要。（有一條規則：不要在飯前每個人都飢腸轆轆的時候提什麼建議。）

They try to offer advice only when asked. 'I stay out of the kitchen when she is cooking, and now she actually comes to me and asks if she is cutting something right,' says Mr. Colp. 'Because I am not offering unsolicited advice anymore, she is willing to accept my superior onion-slicing skills.'

他倆只有在被對方要求出出主意時纔會試着提點兒建議。“在她做飯的時候，我就會遠離廚房。事實上是，她現在會主動來找我，向我詢問她的刀工切法是否正確。”考爾普先生說：“因爲我現在不會未經她請求就主動提建議，所以她很樂意學習接受我切洋蔥片的高超技巧。”