美國高齡跨性羣體 美國高齡跨性羣體

One Friday night last fall, 50 well-dressed guests piled into an apartment in Hell’s Kitchen for a party celebrating Sheela-Marie Padgett, a 57-year-old former dancer with the New York City Ballet.

去年秋天的一個週五晚上，位於紐約地獄廚房區的一處公寓樓內，50位衣着光鮮的客人接踵而至。他們前來參加爲前紐約市芭蕾舞團舞蹈演員、57歲的茜拉·瑪麗·帕吉特(Sheela-Marie Padgett)舉行的派對。

Waiters passed drinks before a buffet dinner of fancy Indian food was presented. Then came a chocolate cake from the Erotic Bakery made in the shape of corseted showgirl with a male appendage. It was sliced up and served to the crowd.

侍者們供應着酒水。之後，客人們享用了印式精緻美食自助餐。甜點是來自“情慾麪包房”的一塊巧克力蛋糕。蛋糕的形狀是一個穿了緊身胸衣卻有着男性性器官的歌舞女郎。蛋糕被切成小塊以償賓客。

Which was fitting enough, because the following morning, Sheela — formerly known as Bruce — was scheduled to fly to Scottsdale, Ariz., for the last major procedure in her transition from male to female: gender reassignment surgery.

這真是再應景不過了。第二天早上，茜拉——她之前的名字是布魯斯——就要飛到亞利桑那州的斯克茨戴爾完成她從男性變爲女性的最後一步：變性手術。

One by one, friends made their way over to the Nakashima-style wood dining table to offer congratulations. Almost unanimously, they noted that Bruce had been cynical, withdrawn and biting, while Sheela is soft and effervescent.

朋友們一個接着一個走到中島風格(Nakashima-style)的餐桌前，向茜拉表示祝賀。他們幾乎不約而同地注意到：之前的布魯斯憤世嫉俗、孤僻、愛嘲諷，而茜拉卻溫婉活潑。

“It’s like you’re a different person,” said Edwin Pabon, a freelance photographer. “Before the lights were off, and now they’re on.”

“她完全變了一個人,”自由職業攝影師埃德溫·帕波恩說：“就好像之前燈是關着的，現在它們打開了。”

“It’s true,” said Ms. Padgett, who stands 5 foot 7 inches tall (when not in heels), wore a black lace top, and, with her hair done in a Raphaelite style, looked rather like the portrait that would emerge if John Singer Sargent were alive today to paint Madonna. “My friends were all frightened of me. I was a nasty person. I was so unhappy. It tainted all my relationships.”

“這是真的，”帕吉特女士說:“以前，我的朋友們都怕我。我不是一個好相處的人。我非常不快樂。這影響了我所有的人際關係。”帕吉特身高一米七，穿着一件黑色的蕾絲上衣，頭髮的樣式模仿了拉斐爾派畫像裏的女性。如果肖像畫家約翰·辛格·薩金特(John Singer Sargent)還在世的話，他畫的麥當娜可能會和她別無二致。

Lori Ogle, another friend, said: “It’s really brave to do what she’s doing and it’s even braver because it’s so late in life. We were born the same year. I don’t know what I want to change, but this is inspiring. It’s like, ‘Go ahead, it’s not too late.’ ”

另一位朋友，蘿莉·奧格(Lori Ogle)說：“她做這件事真的很有勇氣。考慮到她的年齡，她尤其顯得勇敢。我們是同一年出生的。帕吉特給了我激勵，儘管我不知道我想改變什麼。這就好像有人告訴我：‘放手去做吧，還爲時不晚。’”

Awareness of transgender issues has surged over the last year. Laverne Cox, a star of the television show “Orange Is the New Black,” appeared in June on the cover of Time. Janet Mock chronicled her transition from male to female in the memoir “Redefining Realness,” which landed last spring on the New York Times best-seller list. Transgender models like Andreja Pejic have walked the runways in New York and Milan. And major retailers like Barneys are using transgender men and women in their ad campaigns.

對於跨性別話題的關注從去年開始高漲。電視劇《鐵女子監獄》(Orange Is the New Black)中的主演之一，變性女星拉文·考克斯(Laverne Cox)在去年六月上了《時代》週刊的封面。簡妮特·默克(Janet Mock)的回憶錄《重新定義真實》(Redefining Realness)記述了她從男性到女性的轉變，並於去年春季躋入《紐約時報》暢銷書排行榜。像安德烈·佩伊其(Andreja Pejic)這樣的跨性模特在紐約和米蘭的秀場嶄露頭角。而諸如巴尼斯(Barneys)這樣的零售商巨頭也在廣告宣傳中啓用了跨性人士。

But it took Amazon’s popular and acclaimed TV series “Transparent,” about a septuagenarian father of three who is coming out as trans (which coincided with frenzied coverage of Bruce Jenner’s drastically changed physical appearance) to shed light on a largely undiscussed segment of the transgender population: those who undergo a gender change later in life, sometimes even in their 60s and 70s, after decades of feeling not fully whole.

而很少人會去關注那些在人生後半段——有些甚至是到了六七十歲，在經歷了好幾十年的缺憾後纔開始轉變性別的跨性人羣。亞馬遜出品的《透明家庭》(Transparent)改變了這一情況。這部人氣高漲，備受好評的電視劇講述了一位耄耋之年，養育了三個子女的跨性父親的出櫃故事（電視播出的同時，媒體正大肆報道1949年出生的前運動員布魯斯·詹納[Bruce Jenner]變性後大爲改變的外貌）。

Coming out as transgender is not easy for anyone. But the issues are particularly thorny for those trying to reconfigure a central tenet of identity decades after building an adult life with family and career.

出櫃對於跨性人士來說並非易事。對於那些構建了好幾十年人生，有了家庭和事業的人們來說，要想改變身份的核心成分更是難上加難。

Social changes have a tendency to take root among the young, and to then trickle up years (sometimes decades) later. To be in transition around the time you qualify for AARP membership is to be on some level a paradox; a person newly born at a seasoned age.

社會身份的變化會在年輕人心目中紮根，然後在數年甚至數十年後體現出來。到了該退休的年齡再想改變性別，這無異於一個悖論：本是熟齡人士，卻剛獲得新生。

Additionally, these late transitioners grew up in an era of rigid gender stereotypes, which they have been both oppressed by and in some cases internalized. A great number of them are married and have children who struggle to accept that the person who raised them is now becoming someone new.

此外，這些高齡變性者成長於一個性別觀念僵化的年代。他們被這些觀念壓迫，而這些觀念也成了他們當中某些人自我意識的一部分。他們中的大多數人都已成家，有了子女。對後代來說，要接受養育他們的家長現在就要變爲另外一個人，這會是一個艱難的過程。

There are pragmatic as well as physical challenges, too, particularly for the older population of trans women (which refers to those born with men’s anatomy and who have since transitioned). Men’s jaws and shoulders widen over time, making a more “womanly” shape hard to achieve. Hair grows on their bodies while disappearing from their scalps, necessitating hair transplants or wigs.

另外還有一些現實的和身體上的挑戰，尤其是對於女性跨性別者（女性跨性別者指的是生下來是男性，後來轉變爲女性的人士）來說。男性的下顎和肩膀會隨着年歲增長變寬。這使得他們更難獲得較爲女性化的身材。他們的體毛變得旺盛，但是頭髮卻逐漸脫落。這樣他們不得不進行頭髮移植，或是戴假髮。

All of which has profound emotional consequences for a group of people coming to terms not only with their genders but with the indignities of aging and impending mortality. Many will not be beautiful, like the young transitioners they watch on TV. Many will not “pass.”

所有這些困難對高齡變性人的情緒影響極其深刻：他們既爲自己的性別身份而苦苦掙扎，同時還要面對因爲衰老而喪失尊嚴和即將到來的死亡所帶來的困擾。許多人都不會像他們在電視上看到的那些年輕變性人那樣美貌。還有許多人的變性結果並不會獲得社會“認可”。

“After I went on hormones, there was a letdown,” said Barbara, 63, who lives on the Upper East Side and agreed to talk to a reporter on the condition that her last name not be used. “I thought, ‘Where do I go now?’ I’m not going to look like a movie actress in her 20s or 30s. I’m not going to look like Laverne Cox.”

“在攝入荷爾蒙後，我有點失望，”63歲的芭芭拉說。芭芭拉住在紐約的上東區，她接受記者採訪的條件是不透露姓氏。“我想：‘我現在該怎麼辦？’我不可能變成像二三十歲的電影演員那樣美麗。我不可能變得像拉文·考克斯那樣。”

Today, she goes to a support group at Sage, the largest organization for older LGBT people. “No one there is dating,” she said.

如今，芭芭拉參加了一個名爲Sage的互助小組，這是全國最大的老年LGBT人士互助小組。“我們小組裏沒有一個人在約會，”芭芭拉說。

Still, the pull to live as a person wants, even for a short time, even under reduced circumstances, remains powerful. Some people interviewed said they waited to retire before transitioning so as not to disrupt or destroy their careers. Others chose to push forward after the deaths of their parents or after their children had left the nest.

儘管如此，能過上自己所渴望的生活——哪怕只是很短的時間，並有各種不盡如人意——這種吸引力還是巨大的。接受採訪的一些人說，爲了不至於干擾自己的事業，或是使事業毀於一旦，他們等到退休後纔開始變性。另一些等到他們父母去世或是子女們成人離家後纔開始有所動作。

But invariably, they said that they had given enough, pretended enough, and wanted to claim the years remaining as their own. The entirety of their bucket list was to finally become themselves.

但是所有的人都說他們已經付出夠多，僞裝夠長。他們想在有生餘年過上自己想要的生活。他們現在的人生目標清單隻有一項，那就是做回自己。

As Ms. Padgett tells it, she lived the first part of her life assuming that the pull to be female would go away. Her father was a Baptist minister in Mississippi. Her mother taught first grade. When she came to New York and became a dancer, she thought that she had found her calling, a world that was more open and tolerant.

就像帕吉特女士所講述的那樣。在她人生的上半段，她一直都以爲自己想要變成女性的渴求會隨時間消逝。她的父親是密西西比州的一位浸禮會牧師。母親是小學一年級教師。當她來到紐約成爲一名舞者後，她以爲自己找到了人生歸宿——一個更加開放和寬容的世界。

She hung out with Andy Warhol at Indochine and spent late nights at Studio 54 and the Peppermint Lounge.

她和安迪·沃霍爾(Andy Warhol)一起在印度支那（Indochine,紐約著名餐廳——譯註）用餐，在54號工作室（Studio 54,紐約一俱樂部——譯註）和薄荷舞廳(Peppermint Lounge)尋歡到深夜。

And yet during all the years she was a member of one of the world’s most famous ballet companies, she stood off to the side, wanting not to be the prince in “Swan Lake,” but Odette, the female swan.

但是置身世界上最有名的芭蕾舞團之一的這些年裏，她卻一直是一個邊緣人物。她不想當《天鵝湖》中的王子，卻一直想出演白天鵝奧傑塔。

It didn’t happen. Instead, after she turned 50, she found herself increasingly lonely and isolated. Then, in 2007 and 2008, her parents died in quick succession. She began to think of what she characterizes (in stronger language) as the “what the hell” years.

她沒有如願。反而，在過了50歲之後，她覺得自己越發孤寂。她的父母於2007年和2008年先後過世。“怎麼會這樣？”（帕吉特女士的原話語氣更爲強烈）是她這段時間裏的口頭禪。生活的不如意促使她思考。

There was a small inheritance. A friend who had had gender reassignment surgery more than 20 years before went in for facial feminization surgery. “It was a big success,” Ms. Padgett said. “It completely changed her appearance.” Soon, she began telling people that she was transitioning.

她繼承了一小筆遺產。一位朋友在20年前做了變性手術，這會兒剛做完了使臉部女性化的手術。“手術很成功，”帕吉特女士說：“她完全變了樣。”不久，帕吉特開始告訴周圍的人她在變性。

Though the reaction to Ms. Padgett’s transition has been largely positive, the process nevertheless has been arduous, and filled with roadblocks that may not have existed had she made the leap earlier.

大多數人對帕吉特女士變性消息的反應是正面的。儘管如此，變性的過程相當艱難，充滿了許多障礙，而如果帕吉特女士早一點決定變性的話，這些障礙可能並不會存在。

“Your grandmother looks more like your grandfather than she did while they were younger,” said Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel, a plastic surgeon in Boston who works largely on trans women and who treated Ms. Padgett. “The eyebrows drop, the nose changes, cheeks get more flat, the upper lips get longer, the jaw gets wider, skin quality deteriorates.”

“你的祖母年歲越大長得就越像你的祖父，”傑弗瑞·史比格爾(Jeffrey Spiegel)——一位波士頓的整容醫師說。史比格爾醫生的客戶大多是跨性女性。他也是帕吉特女士的醫生。“女性隨着年齡的增長眉毛會下垂，鼻子也會有所改變，面頰變平，上脣變長，下顎變寬，膚質也變差了。”

“Dr. Spiegel redid my forehead,” Ms. Padgett said. “I had a very masculine brow bone, so he softened that. He raised my eyebrows so that there’s more space between my eye and my eyebrows. He cut the skin inside my lids to take away the old skin. He did a rhinoplasty to make my nose smaller and more delicate. He raised my upper lip so that there’s less space between my nose and my upper lip. He put in cheek implants and chin implants, and he did a tracheal shave and a lower neck and face-lift.”

“史比格爾醫生給我的額頭做了些改變，”帕吉特女士說：“我之前的眉骨非常男性化，所以他把它變得柔和了一些。他還把我的眉毛提高，這樣我的眼睛和眉毛之間距離就大了一些。他割去了我眼皮下的一些老皮。還給我的鼻子做了手術，讓它變得小巧玲瓏一些。他提升了我的上脣，縮小了我的鼻子和上脣的距離。他還給我的面頰和下巴放入了填充物。他除掉了我的喉結，並給我做了下頸部和臉部的拉皮。”

The total cost for Dr. Spiegel’s work was $53,000. In addition, Ms. Padgett has had several years of painful electrolysis treatments to stop hair from growing on her face and body. Almost nothing related to Ms. Padgett’s gender transition was covered by her health insurance company, including her gender reassignment surgery and breast implants. With those three things added on, she estimates that the cost of transitioning physically was about $100,000. “I am broke,” she said.

史比格爾醫生做的這些一共花去了53,000美元。除此之外，帕吉特女士還進行了好幾年痛苦的電解治療，使她臉上和身上的毛髮停止生長。所有這些和變性有關的治療，包括變性手術和乳房填充術，帕吉特女士的醫療保險公司幾乎都不受理。帕吉特女士估計在變性上的花銷一共有差不多10萬美元。“我已經成窮光蛋了，”她說。

Many trans people older than Ms. Padgett describe growing up in a time when there was really no vocabulary to even describe what they were.

許多比帕吉特女士年長的跨性人士都說，在他們成長的那個年代，甚至沒有一個詞彙來描述他們這羣人。

“The only word was ‘transvestism,’ nothing was known of this at all,” said Bobbi Swan, 84, of Clinton, Mich., just north of Detroit. She transitioned at age 72.

“唯一的一個詞就是‘異裝癖’了，人們對此真的是一無所知，”84歲的葆比·斯萬(Bobbi Swan)說。斯萬來自位於密歇根州緊鄰底特律南邊的科林頓。她在72歲的時候開始了變性歷程。

After high school, deeply in the closet, Ms. Swan went to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, got her degree in aeronautical engineering, and then served in the Air Force during the Korean War.

高中畢業後，嚴守自己跨性身份祕密的斯萬就讀於麻省理工學院，並在那兒拿到了航天工程學位。之後，她參加了朝鮮戰爭，在空軍服役。

In 1954, she went to work at Ryan Aeronautical, where one of her jobs included flying target drones over China during the Eisenhower administration. She became a member of the National Rifle Association, donated to numerous Republican candidates, married three different women, had two children, ran a hunting preserve and, in the ’90s, secretly edited a magazine for transvestites called “Our Way.”

她於1954年加入了賴安航天公司。在那裏，她的工作職責之一是在艾森豪威爾執政期間操控無人機在中國上空進行偵查。她是美國全國步槍協會的成員，給衆多共和黨候選人捐過款，先後與不同的女性結了三次婚，有兩個孩子，管理着一個狩獵場。在九十年代，她祕密地編輯了一本給變裝者看的名爲《我行我素》(Our Way)的雜誌。

“I think it’s safe to say that the employment I had would prohibit any sign of cross-dressing or anything like that,” Ms. Swan said. “I would have lost my job. The main customer is the Department of Defense. It was totally out of order.”

“我的工作禁止我露出一點易裝或是諸如此類的苗頭，這麼說我想並不爲過，”斯萬女士說，“我會丟了工作。我們的主要客戶是國防部。我根本不敢有任何非分之想。”

But by 2000, she had retired. Her children were grown. Her parents were no longer alive. It was time, she decided, to make a change she had long dreamed of.

到了2000年，斯萬女士退了休。她的孩子們也已長大成人，父母也過了世。她決定，夢寐以求的做出改變的時機已到。

So three years after Ms. Swan began taking hormones and dressing daily as female, she underwent gender reassignment surgery in Thailand. She paid for it mostly through a $5,000 check sent by one her sons that came with a note from him that read: “Sometimes the most important thing in life is finding oneself.”

就這樣，在斯萬女士開始每天攝入荷爾蒙並按女性着裝的三年後，她在泰國接受了變性手術。她兩個兒子中的一個給了她一張5000美元的支票，用來支付了手術開銷的大部分。兒子在支票上寫道：“有時生活中最重要的事情就是找到自我。”

That level of acceptance can be the exception. Stephanie James, a 64-year-old trans woman in St. Louis, said she is pleased that she is no longer living a lie (“It’s been worth every penny,” Ms. James said), but the reaction from her three sons was dispiriting. She told her youngest two sons in 2007. “They were bewildered,” she said. Her oldest son found out a week later and stopped speaking to her.

家人的這種接受程度並不常見。斯提芬妮·詹姆斯(Stephanie James)是一位住在聖路易斯的跨性女性，今年64歲。她說她很高興自己不用再在欺騙中生活。（“能這樣花出去的錢都值了，”詹姆斯女士說。）但是她的三個兒子的反應卻令人失望。她在2007年向兩個小兒子說出了實情。“他們根本不理解我，”詹姆斯女士說。她的大兒子一個星期後知道了真相，從此沒有跟她說過話。

They remain estranged. “I have not even met my grandbaby,” she said.

直到現在他們的關係依舊疏遠。“我甚至都沒有見過我的兒孫，”詹姆斯女士說。

In 2009, she was fired as a strategic account manager at Graybar Electric, where she had worked for five years, during which time she transitioned. (Carrie Johnson, director of corporate and marketing communications at Graybar, said Ms. James’s departure was an “individual personnel matter” and declined further comment, saying, “I’m sure you can understand.”)

2009年的時候，她被Graybar Electric公司從戰略客戶經理的職位上解僱。她在公司工作了五年，並在其間開始變性。（凱莉·約翰遜[Carrie Johnson]是Graybar的企業與營銷傳播部主任。她說詹姆斯女士由於“個人原因”離開了公司。她拒絕進一步解釋，“我想你能理解”，她說。）

In her last two years at Graybar, Ms. James said, she earned $125,000 with benefits and bonuses. This year, working as a live-in caregiver to an 86-year-old woman, she earns $480 a week, plus health care. “You do the multiplication,” Ms. James said.

在Graybar的最後兩年裏，詹姆斯女士說她連福利帶獎金一共掙了125,000美元。今年，她給一位86歲的老太太做護工，每週的工資加上醫保是480美元。“你自己做乘法吧，”詹姆斯女士說。

Over time, Ms. James has come to a number of awakenings not just about transphobia, but about sexism in general — dynamics she did not understand during 50-plus years living outwardly as a man.

這些年下來，詹姆斯女士不但對人們對跨性者的恐懼有了認識，她還對性別歧視有了新的看法。在之前做爲男性生活的50多年裏，她並沒有覺得性別歧視是個問題。

“The loss of a position in a white male society is subtle but omnipresent,” Ms. James said. “I remember, before I was let go, I was in a corporate meeting and one of the V.P.’s said, ‘Who brought the bagels?’ No one had. So the V.P. says, ‘Stephanie, would you mind running out to pick them up?’ It was pouring down rain! We could all see it. There were windows on three sides of the conference room. That kind of stuff never happened before I transitioned. It happened all the time after.”

“在白人男性社會失去地位是一件微妙的事，但是你時刻都會感知到這個事實，”詹姆斯女士說，“我記得，在我被解僱前，我們在開一個公司會議。一個副總裁問：‘誰買了麪包圈？’沒有人買。於是這個副總裁說：‘斯提芬妮，你介意跑出去買一下嗎？’外面下着瓢潑大雨。會議室三面都有窗戶，我們都能看到。在我變性前，這種事是絕對不會發生的。我變性之後，就屢見不鮮了。”

Gretchen Lintner, 58, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Shortly before she was laid off from her job at a commercial real estate firm, an executive there said to her, “Don’t you people just go somewhere new and start over?”

58歲的格蕾馨·林特納(Gretchen Lintner)居住在舊金山灣區。在她被一家商業地產公司解聘不久前，一位經理問她道：“像你們這樣的人是不是都搬到一個新地方重新開始？”

On a recent Friday, she was sitting in the lobby of a hotel near Union Square in San Francisco. She arrived wearing a Chanel-inspired blazer from Coldwater Creek, a Jones blouse, Gap jeans and a pair of alligator-patterned pumps. Her hair was long and blond and she wore silver hoop earrings. Nevertheless, as she walked in, the doorman greeted her by saying, “Hello, sir.”

不久前的一個週五，她坐在位於舊金山聯合廣場附近的一個酒店大堂裏。她穿着一件Coldwater Creek的仿香奈兒上裝，Jones的襯衫，Gap的仔褲和一雙鱷魚皮的高跟鞋。她留着金色的長髮，帶着銀色的大圈耳環。就是這樣一幅裝扮，在她走進酒店時，門衛對她的問候是：“先生，你好。”

“That’s how I go through life,” she said. “It’s the small oppressions that you get that you just have to be able to deal with.”

“這就是我的人生，”林特納女士說：“我不得不應對生活中的這種小小苦悶。”

“The hardest thing,” she continued, “is working for less money and being bumped off my career track because of being a woman, because of being a trans woman, because of the 2008 economic dislocation. I don’t blame anyone, but it’s a fact. And I’m over 50 and it’s hard for any individual over 50 to find employment.”

她接着說道：“但是最艱難的是工作被減薪以及被迫終止我的職業。這些只不過是因爲我是一個女人，一個跨性女性，當然還有2008年經濟形勢混亂的因素。我不責怪任何人，但這是事實。我已經50多歲。任何一個50多歲的人要想找工作都不容易。”

Other things have changed as well. Today, Ms. Lintner dates both men and women. “For me, the parts are negotiable,” she said. “My sexual attraction was always toward women, and then as I transitioned I became more interested in men.”

另外還有一些別的改變。現今，林特納女士的約會對象有男有女。“對我來說，在兩性關係裏扮演哪個角色是可以商量的，”她說：“我從前一直對女性有性趣，在我變性後，男性對我更有吸引力。”

For many, aspects of sexual identities shift. Language fails. There is a contingent of “transbien” relationships, the common term among LGBT types for what happens when two trans women get together. Straight men become straight women. Lesbians become gay men. This is what happened with Eugene Potchen-Webb, 60. He transitioned at 50 from female to male and, after having been a lesbian for many years, discovered he was into guys. “It was a surprise to me,” he said.

許多人的性別身份都發生了改變。這些改變很難用語言描述。在同性戀和跨性者羣體裏，出現了許多所謂的“跨女同性戀”關係，指的是兩位跨性女性之間的親密關係。異性戀男性變性後成了異性戀女性。同性戀女性變性後成了同性戀男性，60歲的尤金·潑特琴·韋博(Eugene Potchen-Webb)就是這樣。他在50歲的時候從女性變成了男性。這之前他一直是位跨性女同性戀者，變性後卻發現自己只對男性有性趣。“這真令我吃驚，”他說。

Rachel Sorrow is a 64-year-old San Francisco-based architect and amateur stand-up comedian who remains married to her spouse, though they date other people and sleep in different bedrooms in the apartment they share in the Castro.

64歲的蕾切爾·索羅(Rachel Sorrow)是舊金山的一位建築師和業餘滑稽說笑演員。變性後她沒有和原配偶離婚。她們在卡斯特羅區共同擁有一處公寓。她們各自約會，睡在不同的臥室裏。

“When I’m having sex with a man, I feel 100 percent a woman, and when I have sex with women I slip back into male roles,” Ms. Sorrow said. “I always thought if you are a guy and you have a sex-change operation and you’re still dating women, you’re a lesbian, because you look like a woman and you’re dating them. It’s a relatively reasonable assumption unless you know a lot of trans people.

“當我和男性做愛時，我覺得我百分百是個女人，而當我和女性做愛時，我就又回到了男性的角色，”索羅女士說：“我之前一直以爲，如果你生來是男性，在你做了變性手術後還是和女性交往，那你就是一位女同性戀者。因爲你有女性的外表，你也和女性約會。這種想法聽上去很合理，但是如果你認識許多跨性者，你就不會這麼認爲了。”

“In our case, I think it just doesn’t apply. I have way more flexibility than that. Trans means to move back and forth, like transportation, and I think that’s just part of it.”

“這種觀念對我來說就完全不適合。我要有靈活性得多。‘跨’(trans)這個詞根的意思就是有進有退，就像‘交通’(transportation)這個詞。我認爲這是‘跨性’這個詞含義的一部分。”

But having a progressive attitude about sex and self-expression doesn’t preclude clinging to ideals that are anachronistic and even a little bit sexist. Many older trans women grew up in “Mad Men”-era houses where women were accessories and children were supposed to speak when spoken to. And sometimes these tendencies are absorbed and play out in ways feminists sometimes find disconcerting.

對於性別身份問題，跨性人士的觀念頗爲進步，但這並不意味着那些老套甚至有點性別歧視的觀點被完全摒棄。許多年長的跨性女性成長於《廣告狂人》那個年代。在那個年代裏的家庭裏，女性是附屬品，孩子們不能隨便講話。有時這些觀念根深蒂固，並被帶到了跨性者的日常行爲中，這讓女權主義者時常感到不安。

“I do feel like sometimes I have to be more feminine than anyone else,” said Ms. Padgett, the onetime New York City Ballet dancer. “There have been so many times when I’ve been on the street and I realize I’m the only one in a dress and heels. I reach for those things that are more feminine than a genetic girl would go for. The stakes are higher for me because I wasn’t born female so I don’t take it for granted.”

“確實，我有時覺得我必須得比別的女性更加有女人味兒一些，”曾經是紐約市芭蕾舞團成員的帕吉特女士說：“有好多次，我意識到我是街上唯一穿裙子和高跟鞋的。和普通的女性相比，我會選擇那些更女性化的東西。我生來不是女性，現在的身份來之不易，所以我要比別人付出更多。”

Ms. James of St. Louis agrees: “I feel naked if I don’t have eye makeup on. I’ve worked hard to get this far.”

聖路易斯的詹姆斯女士也這麼認爲：“如果我不上眼妝的話，我就會覺得像沒穿衣服一樣。能到今天這樣，我付出了太多努力。”

Nearly all older trans men have experienced oppression, but they had the advantage of growing up in an era when coveting manhood was somewhat understandable and tomboyishness was at least forgiven.

幾乎所有年長的跨性男性都受到過歧視和壓制。但是他們卻有一項優勢——在他們成長的年代裏，女孩子渴望做男生情有可原，而假小子的行爲也至少會被原諒。

Jeffrey Dickemann, an 85-year-old retired anthropology professor from Sonoma State University in California who transitioned in his 60s, recalls that when he was in college, there were rules against women wearing trousers. But he also had a dad who bonded with him over sports and clothes. “In high school, my father gave me his military boots, which I wore,” he said. “I didn’t even realize how much I stuck out.”

85歲的傑弗瑞·迪克曼（Jeffrey Dickemann）是加州索諾瑪州立大學的一位退休人類學教授。他在60多歲的時候開始變性。他回憶起當他上大學時，學校有規定不許女生穿褲子。但是他卻有一位關係親密的父親，帶他進行體育活動，並指導他着裝。“高中時，父親把他的軍用靴子給了我，我穿上了它們，”迪克曼先生說，“我那會兒甚至都沒有意識到我是多麼與衆不同。”

Katherine Rachlin, a therapist who counsels trans people, said these themes come up frequently. “It’s much more difficult if you’re a woman that is 6-foot-3 than a man who is 5-foot-3,” she said. “We look at women differently.”

凱瑟琳·拉切林(Katherine Rachlin)是一位給跨性人士做諮詢的心理醫師。她說她時常能在治療中聽到這類話題。“一位一米九的女性比一位一米五的男性相比，前者作爲變性者要艱難得多，”她說，“人們看女人有另外的一套標準。”

This also resonates with Vanessa Fabbre, an assistant professor at the Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis, and one of the few experts on the subject of late transitioners. “I hear a lot of older trans men say that they were tomboys and that it was acceptable,” she said. “But we don’t have an equivalent term for tomboy with people who are born male. We have yet to create a real option for young boys wanting to express an aspect of their female selves.”

拉切林的觀點和凡妮莎·法博的看法一致。法博是聖路易斯的華盛頓大學布朗社會工作學院的副教授，也是研究高齡變性人士爲數不多的專家之一。“我聽到許多年長的變性男性說他們年輕時是假小子，人們並沒覺得這有什麼，”她說，“但是對於那些生爲男性卻身份認同是女性的人羣來說，並沒有一個和‘假小子’相應的詞來形容他們。我們必須給那些想表達他們女性一面的男孩們一個真正的選擇。”

Three years ago, Ms. Fabbre was studying for a doctoral degree in social sciences at the University of Chicago, when she decided to write her thesis on late-age transitioners. With Jess T. Dugan, 28, a photographer who is also her life partner, Ms. Fabbre has been documenting the lives of many of these people on a website called To Survive on This Shore. However ostracized and exoticized they are, perhaps the most shocking thing about their pictures on the site is how ordinary the people in them seem.

三年前，法博女士在芝加哥大學攻讀社會科學博士學位。她把她的博士論文選題定爲了高齡變性人士。她和她的伴侶、28歲的攝影師傑斯·T·杜根一起創建了一個名叫“此岸生存”的網站，記錄了許多高齡變性人士的生活。這些人受到社會排斥，並被視爲異類，網站上的照片可能最讓人震驚的地方就是他們在其中看上去跟普通人並沒有區別。

A fair number of them have been following the news of Bruce Jenner with interest. So has Ms. Padgett, who said it was obvious to her what was going on well before People Magazine reported it had confirmed that Mr. Jenner was in transition.

他們中的許多人都在密切地關注布魯斯·詹納的新聞。帕吉特女士也是。她說早在《人物》雜誌覈實詹納先生確實在變性之前，她就知道是怎麼回事了。

“I could just tell,” she said. “I kept saying, ‘I think he’s transitioning.’ He was taking all the actions I took. But I can’t imagine what it must be like to be him. People have said to me over and over ‘What you’re doing is so brave.’ But I never felt it had anything to do with braveness. It was a need and a hunger, and when I saw the solution it was like a truckload of food coming at a starving person. Someone like Bruce Jenner has to do it in front of the entire world. That is brave.”

“我一眼就看出來了，”她說，“我一直在說，‘我認爲他在變性。’他經歷的過程我都經歷過。但是我不能想像如果我是他的話會是怎麼樣。人們反覆跟我說‘你所做的真是太勇敢了’，但是我從來不覺得這和勇敢什麼關係。這就像一種渴求，當我看到滿足這種渴求的辦法時，就好像一個捱餓的人看到一卡車食物衝他而來。像布魯斯·詹納這樣的人卻要在全世界面前做這件事，這纔是勇敢。”

Occasionally, she has noticed the sneering tone of some of the tabloid coverage, the incredulity that someone could have hidden this for so long and decided so late to take action. But that’s exactly why she thinks it will be a watershed moment.

偶爾，她注意到一些小報報道採用了一種譏諷的口吻，質疑竟然會有人隱藏了這麼多年，直到這麼大年紀了才採取行動。但正因爲如此，帕吉特女士認爲詹納出櫃這件事會成爲一個轉折點。

“It’s going to spotlight these issues to millions of Americans,” Ms. Padgett said. “It shows that whatever body you’re born into, being transgender doesn’t go away. I thought it wasn’t going to last, the desire to be female would go away. If anything, at 50 it got stronger. And then it was like ‘what the hell.’ I’ve only got a few more years. Why not do what I’ve always wanted to do?”

“這件事讓上百萬的美國人注意到了這些問題，”她說：“這件事說明，不論你出生時的性別是什麼，你是跨性者這個事實是不會改變的。我從前以爲自己想變成女性的渴望不會持續，會隨着時間的流逝而消失。但是，當我50歲時，這種願望更加強烈。那時，我想：‘我就豁出去了。’我的餘生之年屈指可數，是該做些自己一直想做的事了。”