害怕分手是否讓你陷於錯誤的戀情中,無法抽身

Recently, I was at a party, and in between handfuls of tortilla chips, I found myself in a conversation about the tendency to stay in a relationship too long - even when you know that the person you're dating isn't right for you.

近日，我參加了一個派對，抓了幾把墨西哥玉米片後，我發現自己竟然和別人聊起了談一段長久戀情的趨勢--甚至和你約會的這個人並不適合你，情況也是如此。

Most people know this phenomenon intimately. Breaking up with people isn't fun - even if the relationship is well past its expiration date. 'Think of happiness on a scale of one to 10,' a friend once told me. 'Your relationship might only be a five, but breaking up might temporarily bring you down to a three. It doesn't matter that you'll eventually be happier than you were in the relationship. A lot of people can't pull the Band-Aid off and face that temporary decline.'

很多人都清楚這一情況。分手並不有趣--即使你們倆已沒有了激情。'想想你的幸福度，1到10分你打幾分，'一個朋友曾對我說。'你的戀情可能只有5分，但分手可能會讓你的幸福指數暫時下降至3分。無論如何，分手都會比談戀愛更讓你開心。很多人都無法做出犧牲，面對短暫的失落。'

Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, a Chicago-based psychologist and author of 'A Happy You', has a name for this: fear of breaking up (FOBU). 'The biggest component of it is 'I'm never going to find someone else,'' says Lombardo. 'It's fortune-telling and catastrophising. It's the 'I'm going to die alone and my cats are going to eat me' thinking. And so we think it's safer to stay in the relationship than to chance not having a chance at a relationship again. It's the idea that something is better than nothing.'

芝加哥的心理學家、《快樂的你》（A Happy You）一書的作者伊麗莎白·隆巴多博士爲此想了個名字：害怕分手（FOBU）。最大的一個想法就是'我再也找不到其他人和我談戀愛了，'隆巴多說道。'這非常迷信、也是災難性的。會有這種想法：'我將一個人孤獨終老，我的貓會把我吃了'。所以我們會覺得繼續這段戀情比可能再也沒人喜歡自己更安全。也就是聊勝於無的想法。'

Several years ago, 'Jessica,' a visual artist (who asked that her real name not be used), was involved with a guy she describes as 'perfect.' He was older, smart, charming, successful and extremely nice. 'But after three years, the only thing we had in common was each other,' she says. 'We were worlds apart, and there was a particular, more meaningful connection that was lacking.'

幾年前，視覺藝術家傑西卡（她要求不使用真名）和她覺得'完美'的男生戀愛了。男生年紀更大一些、聰慧、有魅力、成功，而且人超級好。但三年後，我們的共同點卻只剩下彼此，她說道。我們身處兩個不同的世界，我們之間缺少了特殊的、更有意義的聯繫。

Jessica was terrified to break up with him for a variety of reasons. 'Here I was with the guy,' she says. 'The guy everyone says they want to find and settle down with.' She had doubts about her vague feeling that the relationship was just a wrong fit: 'If I couldn't be happy in a relationship with him - the perfect, most agreeable guy ever - who could I ever be happy in a relationship with? Was I crazy?'

由於種種原因，傑西卡害怕與男友分手。她說，我在和他談戀愛，大家都希望有這樣的男朋友，希望和他組成家庭。她對自己那種模糊的感覺（他倆不合適）產生了懷疑：'如果和他在一起我都不能開心--他是如此的完美、令人愉悅--那和誰在一起我才能開心呢？我是不是瘋了？'