學會辨識自己是否處於過度歸屬狀態（雙語）

摘要:爲了避免落入這種對某一個人過度依賴的陷阱，學會辨識自己是否處於過度歸屬狀態、誠懇積極地溝通、共同探尋可行的方案，從而讓雙方都能在這種親密關係中有獨立發展的空間，是非常必要的。那麼,我們該如何辨識自己是否處於過度歸屬狀態

We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion. ~ Author Unknown

Paradoxically, relationships that seem perfect and in which the couple does everything together are at great risk of failing. It is human nature to end up feeling imprisoned by the sense of being permanently glued together and always having to rely on one another for a source of fulfillment in everyday life. To be whole, it is important for all of us to feel autonomous as well as attached. To avoid this "benign" trap of habit that leads to over-reliance on one person, it is important to recognize the over-attachment and to talk honestly and supportively with one another about practical and positive solutions that will allow both of you the room to grow individually within a partnership.

Steps

1. Recognize the warning both of you do everything together? Is every moment of your spare time taken up with following one another around to the point where neither of you really knows who suggested what but you're both doing it all the same? Or, maybe there are more negative feelings, such as possessiveness, clinginess or jealousy involved? Ultimately, do you feel a sense of suffocation in your relationship; or a lack of direction or overwhelming fog whenever you try to think of doing things without your partner?

2. Check that you are not involved in a relationship of pendent relationships are not much fun. In fact, they are about intensity, perfectionism and taking oneself and one's relationship too seriously. There is a sense of controlling one another and dire mutual need for each other that comes about from such previous problems as an emotionally traumatized upbringing, a fear of losing people or simply not having much sense of purpose in one's own life and replacing that with another person. Basically, those in a codependent relationship feel an inability to "stand alone" and are trying together to complete a whole from two broken halves. If you do feel this is the underlying problem, both of you may need to seek professional assistance, as together it is likely you will only continue this needy behavior without neutral, outside intervention. Part of the recovery process for a couple in a codependent relationship is learning to lighten up, have fun and play together and apart.

3. Talk it over. Bake some cookies and make a cup of tea or down together somewhere peaceful and tell your partner you need to have a positive heart-to-heart chat. Use a calm voice and be very friendly. Start the discussion with your partner by telling them how much you love them and how grateful you are for this person being in your life. Then proceed to discuss in a kind but frank fashion that you believe that the healthiness of your relationship is dependent on both of you being able to grow as independent people as well as together in a couple. Basically, you are suggesting that the happiness of both you requires letting a little air into each other's lives in ways that can only enhance your loving relationship. Ways to help you include:

* Avoid blaming, never say "you this, you that" and always voice it with "I" statements and talk about goals, healthiness and not about things that are going wrong between the two of you. See How to Practice Nonviolent Communication.

* Make it clear that this is about ensuring that you return to being the individual that they fell in love with at the beginning; that you are losing a sense of this person and want to be yourself again.

* Paint them a picture of how expanding your horizons as individuals will enable your "coupledom" to flourish when the two of you share personal discoveries. Use the metaphor by psychotherapist Wendy Allen of both of you paddling your own canoe, side by side, rather than the same canoe together; she says that space apart helps to ensure that each person carries a cohesive and whole sense of self that strengthens the sense of togetherness.[6]

* Try defining what you mean by "space". This can alleviate a lot of the potential for fear and resentment if your partner understands what you mean by giving each other space. Knowing what type of space is sought means that it can more readily be accommodated and is less likely to result in friction. For you, space might be (among other things):

o Leisure time

o Quiet time

o Working space

o Emotional space

o Financial space See How to Take a Healthy Approach to Finances in Your Relationship.

4. Explain to your partner that other people should always be a part of your tionship counselor Anne Hollonds notes that it is a fatal mistake to assume that being a couple will fulfill each other's needs completely. Say that you want to, and encourage your partner to, spend more time with those friends who are missing both of you and so that both of you are refreshed by this new stimulus. In many cases, it's likely that your friends and your partner's friends don't mix; that's okay, it is about getting out and enjoying your friendships and trusting one another. It's easier when it's about same-sex friends; just don't address the thornier issue of opposite sex friends until both of you have explored same-sex friendship space. For now, ways in which you can help one another grow through spending time with others include:

* Arranging for partner-free evenings;

* Letting friends come over and take over the basement, the ping-pong room, the TV room, wherever and the other partner either clearing out or staying in another part of the house (you can always edit wikiHow all night!);

* Trusting a partner to go on a weekend fishing trip or a Las Vegas weekend with their friends; go and book into a spa or golf weekend to treat yourself during such a break from one another to prevent yourself from moping and bringing down your side of the bargain.

5. Ask that you be soulmates and not of you need to work on inner fears that might arise concerning rejection, insecurity, fear of loss, resentment and mistrust - reassure your partner that you are committed to them and that you are simply asking for them to be committed to the evolution of your relationship into a stronger and more sound place than you feel it is now. And both of you must work together to reach compromises that work both ways.

6. Take time to pursue your own a deal with your partner that it is time for both of you to reclaim personal space and pursue your own interests and hobbies some of the time. A good target would be to gradually increase time spent apart to about a quarter of your leisure time on a regular basis but the breakdown is really up to you as an individual, as well as reaching a compromise as a couple. Nobody said this was meant to be easy!

7. Break out of the mold as a means doing independent things while sharing an activity as a couple. It may be scary at first but this can be both incredibly liberating and can also prove to each other that in independence neither of you has anything to fear, only room for more admiration and love to grow. Suggestions for acting independently as a couple include:

* Sitting apart from one another at dinner parties.

* Networking at parties while not hanging off one another's arms. Kiss "good luck" at the door of a soirée and occasionally meet each other's eyes with loving looks during the night but really enjoy the company around you. Fill one another in after the event on all the thrilling gossip you've both picked up during the night! And there is nothing more exciting than seeing the looks of surprise and yearning in other people's faces when they realize how solid a couple you are and yet how liberated too!

* Going to the same vacation but doing different activities. You go skiing while he goes snowboarding. You go swimming while she goes surfing. You're both in the same general vicinity but you're giving each other breaks. Meet for meals and occasional joint activities. Or sandwich it - separate activities at either end with a shared long hiking trip in the middle. You get the drift.

* If children are involved, give one another time out from caring. Make sure these breaks come with no strings attached. Time off to enjoy oneself is just that; both of you recognize the other deserves this space.

8. Reassure your your partner that adjusting space for optimum growth of both individuals and the couple is an ongoing need in all relationships. Successful couples are prepared to readjust distance between one another - both when getting too close and when moving too far apart. Reassure your partner that if they feel you are pulling away too much, all it takes is to tell you this and you will stop, drop everything and listen to your partner's concerns. Also reassure them that this is not about wanting permanent space from your partner; it's about allowing for "growth space" as you continue to share your lives and love together. Naturally, during times of illness, distress or other difficult situations, the relationship needs change and you will both be strong enough to move with this and make additional adjustments as needed.

很奇怪，什麼事情都在一起做的情侶，貌似關係很完美，其實極有可能失敗。由於一直黏在一起，他們遲早會感到像是被囚禁了，出於人類的本性，他或她不得不求諸另一個人去滿足生活的需要。就整體而言，自治感和歸屬感對於我們每個人來說同樣重要。爲了避免落入這種對某一個人過度依賴的陷阱，學會辨識自己是否處於過度歸屬狀態、誠懇積極地溝通、共同探尋可行的方案，從而讓雙方都能在這種親密關係中有獨立發展的空間，是非常必要的。

步驟

　　1. 學會辨識危險信號

你們兩個無論什麼事情都在一起做嗎?你的所有閒暇都在陪他/她，而且誰也不清楚是誰建議了什麼，反正就是什麼事情都自覺不自覺地兩個人一起做了，是麼?或者更糟糕的，例如被對方操縱的感覺(possessiveness) 、粘在對方身上就鬆不開的感覺(clinginess)，甚至時常吃醋(jealousy)，這些感覺你有經歷過麼?最後，你是否覺得這種親密關係令你窒息，或者當你想象沒有愛人陪在身邊時會感到迷茫，就像在濃濃的迷霧中失去方向一樣?

　　2. 確保你們的親密關係不是共生關係

共生關係(Codependent relationship)一點都不好玩。事實上，處於這種關係中的人，已經成爲激進的完美主義者，他/她把自己和這份關係看得過於嚴肅(too seriously)了。這是一種精神上的互相控制，一種可怕的互相需要。這種情況可能是下列原因造成的：撫育早期的情感創傷、失去親人的恐懼。他們將精神上的缺失訴諸彼此作爲補償。從根本上說，處於共生關係中的人感覺沒有能力做到"精神獨立"，只好嘗試將兩個"半人"拼成一個完整的人。如果你真覺得這是你們的問題，恐怕你們需要向專家求助，很有可能你們兩個只能繼續這種艱苦的(needy)行爲，而不是引入中性的外界干預。處於共生關係中的情侶的康復療法有：學會放鬆、一起開心地玩、分別開心地玩等。

　　3. 促膝而談

烙張蔥花兒餅或者煮鍋棒渣兒粥。找個安靜的地方坐下，告訴你的愛人，你現在需要開始一次積極地、心對心(heart-to-heart)的談話。使用冷靜而友好的音調。開始談話時，要先肯定地告訴對方你是多麼愛他/她，你對他/她成爲你生命中的一部分是多麼的感激。然後，和藹並坦白地推進到下一個話題，告訴對方你認爲：健康的關係是建立在兩個人在一起的同時都能成長爲獨立的人的基礎上的，從根本上講，你是在暗示說，你們兩個人的快樂需要打開窗戶放進來點新鮮空氣了，這樣才能增強你們的親密關係。注意：

* 別責備對方，別說你怎麼這樣、你應該那樣。用第一人稱，陳述你的目標，說你認爲怎樣做是健康的，而別說你們兩個關係出了問題。參考《非暴力溝通實踐(How to Practice Nonviolent Communication)》。

* 明確你是要變成什麼樣子，你是要變回你們剛開始相愛時的那個獨立的人。

* 使用形象的語言，不妨試試Wendy Allen打的比方。你們倆並排划着兩隻小船前進，而不是在同一只船上。Allen說，兩隻以相近的速度並排行駛的船之間存在窄隙，有水流從中通過，從流體力學的角度講，這股水流會產生一個使兩隻船互相靠近的力，這個力與兩船間的距離以及行駛速度有關。保持距離、共同進步，有利於互相吸引。

* 試着明確你說的距離指什麼，這樣可以緩解對方對你提的“保持距離”產生的恐懼。知道尋求什麼樣的距離，有助於指導兩個人一起調節生活方式，減少不必要的摩擦。 這距離可能包括：

o 空閒的時間

o 安靜的時間

o 工作的空間

o 感情的空間

o 理財獨立

4. 向他/她解釋其他人也是你生活的一部分

緊密關係諮詢師Anne Hollonds指出如下假設是一個致命的錯誤：成爲情侶就必須滿足彼此的全部需要。說你希望，並且鼓勵他/她也是，花更多的時間和自己的其他朋友在一起，這樣你們倆都可以被新激勵(stimulus)刷新(refresh)。在通常情況下，你的朋友和和他/她的朋友不是一夥兒人，that's okay，該出去出去，享受友誼，彼此信任。去和同性的朋友出去玩還好說。沒必要一說出去玩的朋友裏有異性朋友就如臨大敵。建議：

* 安排獨立日(partner-free evenings)

* 把朋友叫家來，到地下室、乒乓球室、客廳等隨便什麼地方，讓愛人去House的另一個Room幹別的(比如讓他整晚坐在書房裏對着電腦在譯言上翻譯wikiHow)

* 信任你的愛人，週末放他去釣魚旅行或者和他朋友去澳門。你自己週末也拿本散文去泡溫泉，或者去打高爾夫。別把自己關在家裏整個週末對着空蕩蕩的屋子發呆。

5. 做靈魂的伴侶(soulmate)而不是同房囚犯(cellmate)

你們需要共同對付內心的恐懼，例如拒絕、不安全、怕失去、怨恨和誤解。因此，你需要向你的愛人反覆確認，保證和他/她保持更親密、更穩固的關係。

　　6. 發展自身的興趣

和你的愛人達成協議，到了你們收回個人空間的時候了，你們要有自己的時間去發展興趣。定一個目標，逐漸將個人可支配時間中用於發展自身興趣的時間的比例增加，例如目標是增加到四分之一，最終能否達成取決於你們兩個人互相妥協的程度。說實話不太容易。

　　7. 打破情侶模式

這是說和愛人在一起的時候做自己的事情。剛開始你可能會覺得這樣做很詭異，但實際上這樣做你們都可以得到難以置信的解放，並且可以向彼此證明，獨立並不可怕，反而留出了愛慕的空間，你們將看到屬於你們的愛情在這個空間中成長。建議：

* 聚餐時，在飯桌上分着坐

* 開Party的時候不是手挽着手，而是遠遠地、經常不經意地互相看看對方的眼睛，用帶着愛意的眼神，同時真正享受你周圍的夥伴。然後讓周圍人八卦你們倆去吧，最爽的就是看周圍的朋友意識到你們倆其實早就是一對兒了還跟這兒調情時，他們臉上那驚訝的表情。

* 一起度假但做不同的事情，你上中級道滑單板讓他去初級道滑雙板，你游泳讓她去衝浪。你們就在彼此附近，但是讓對方一個人玩。或者自己玩會兒，再一起玩會兒，搭配着來。

* 如果有孩子，輪流看，輪流休息，注意輪流一定是無條件的。要知道對方的獨立空間是他/她應該得到的。

　　8. 反覆向你的愛人保證

告訴你的愛人，兩個人分別調整自己，以更好的發展，是每對情侶關係發展的必經之路。成功的情侶會很好的調節兩個人之間的距離，包括離的太遠時有辦法互相離得近些。反覆向你的愛人保證，如果他/她覺得距離遠了，會馬上回來和他/她在一起，傾聽他/她的需要。反覆向你的愛人保證，你的意思不是和他/她保持永久性的距離，只是尋求自身發展的必要空間，你還會愛他/她和他/她一起生活。自然，在疾病、貧困等特殊情況下，距離需要調整得近些。你們得有足夠的控制力，自如地調整你們倆之間的距離。