美媒致切爾西孩子：生爲希拉里道具 僞裝過一生

Chelsea Clinton and her husband, hedge fund manager Marc Mezvinsky, are expecting their first child. Clinton, 34, made the announcement in the exact same way you would, in a speech she gave together with her mother at a Lower East Side event promoting the Clinton Foundation’s effort to empower girls. The baby is due sometime this fall.

Dear Baby Clinton-Mezvinsky:

Welcome to advanced gestation! Since you’re new around here, I thought you’d like to know a little bit about what makes you so special. The reason is, you’re going to live your whole life in make-believe!

Do you know the fairy stories about a princess in a castle? Well, you get to be that real-life prince or princess, in a real-life castle where Mommy Chelsea is also a princess, Grandma is about to be crowned Queen, and Grandpa Bill is a retired ex-King with lots of helpful advice on ruling the kingdom, er, monarchy. (Your other grandma and grandpa were both a kind of court vassal called Congressmen. Oopsies, other grandpa, Edward Mezvinsky, even went to something called “prison,” which is kind of like a big, cozy crib! Can you say “wire fraud”? Good, you can’t! Don’t! Around here we pretend Grandpa isn’t a criminal!)

Inside the castle towers you will find that Mommy, Mommy’s mommy and Mommy’s daddy Bill are all really good at make-believe games. So you get to pretend all the time! Mommy’s mommy and Mommy’s daddy even pretend to still be married even though they’ve been living hundreds of miles apart for 14 years!

Before you were even born your mommy’s mommy pretended that it’s a completely normal thing to announce your own grandchild’s birth to the world at a joint press appearance with your mom, hosted on Skype and live-streamed. With America Ferrera!

Although you will at all times pretend to be a normal baby, you actually already have your very own career, like doctor or fireman or lobbyist! Can you say “Campaign Asset”? Good, now let’s learn about skill sets! You only need one talent. Ready? It’s “Soften the Candidate”! Sort of like human bubble bath.

Now, even though you have a busy life, sleeping 18 hours a day, nursing and learning to roll over, all of this comes second to being a stage prop to the grandma they call “Hillary” or “Madame President” or “Lady Pantsuit.” When big, scary men with huge, glowing boxes on their shoulders come around, don’t be afraid! They’re only here to shine blinding lights into your widdle eyes. Kind of like a dozen suns shining at the same time! Just think of them as the Sunshine Men. They will be accompanied by nice pretend journalists who are actually castle-outreach people named Katie or Oprah or Diane, whose job it is to make you and Grandma look good, so don’t cry so much, and only on cue! (Example: When Grandma Hillary says, “That ol’ John Boehner sure gets upset when he doesn’t get what he wants,” start wailing!)

There are a few special little things you need to know about. For instance, if you are a girl, mean people will mail you blue Gap dresses. You don’t need to worry about where they came from, because the castle’s shining knights will go after them. These knights work for a castle security program called the IRS. Those blue Gap dresses are a reference to something unfortunate that happened a long, long time ago that we all pretend didn’t happen and anyway was all the fault of barbarians and trolls living outside the castle. We call these twisted creatures Republicans.

In two years or so, when most babies are just learning to crawl, you will be hitting the road! Grandma Hillary is going to need you to smile and coo whenever there are Sunshine Men around. So play nice and don’t projectile vomit. Grandma is not what grown-ups call “maternal,” and was busy turning $1,000 into $100,000 in the magical cow trading market when your mommy was a baby, so she will have to make believe she is really “helping out” with you. No crying if she gets the diaper on the wrong end!

When you’re a teenager, you may start getting strange invitations from Grandpa Bill. Don’t be surprised if he asks you to invite all of your girl friends and their bikinis over to his house for a pool party. Grandpa Bill loves young people, especially young female people frolicking in the sunshine!

The best part of your make-believe Clinton-Mezvinsky life is that people will pretend you’re good at things and give you gifts like high-paying consultancy gigs when you just got out of college, jobs reporting for NBC News when you have as much camera-awareness as a smoked flounder, and the leadership of the free world because you “deserve it.” Learn to accept everything as your due, baby Clinton-Mezvinsky, and maybe Mommy and you will be the third and fourth Clintons to rule the kingdom!4月17日，美國前總統克林頓與前國務卿希拉里之女切爾西宣佈懷孕，預產期爲今年秋天。22日，《紐約郵報》刊登一份致切爾西未出生嬰兒公開信，全文摘要如下：

親愛的孩子：

既然你剛來到世上，我認爲你特別想知道是什麼讓你變得如此特別。原因就是你的一生將在虛幻中度過。

你聽說過公主生活在城堡裏的童話故事嗎？你將成爲現實版的王子或公主。在現實版的城堡裏，你母親也是一位公主，你奶奶將成爲加冕的女王，你爺爺作爲一位退休的前國王還在爲如何治理這個王國獻計獻策。另外，你還有一羣有點像諸侯一樣的奶奶和爺爺。他們被外界稱爲“國會議員”。對了你爸爸的爸爸甚至住進了監獄，這個地方很像帶欄杆的嬰兒牀。你會說：“電信欺詐？”千萬別說，我們都假裝你的這位爺爺不是一名罪犯！

在城堡裏，你會發現你的媽媽，奶奶和爺爺確實很擅長僞裝遊戲，因此你不得不每時每刻都要裝樣子。14年來，你奶奶和爺爺即使一直分居，但他們依舊僞裝成恩愛夫妻。

儘管你將始終假裝自己是一名普通嬰兒，但你實際上已經擁有了自己的職業。如果你會說“競選資產”的話，讓我們學習一下成套技能，你只需要有一種本事，像泡泡浴一樣軟化候選人強硬形象。

儘管你的生活會非常匆忙，除了1天睡8小時外還得學着滾爬，但和充當“總統女士”即你奶奶的舞臺道具相比，這些都是次要的。當肩扛閃亮大盒子，身材魁梧，面目猙獰的人們來到你跟前時，不要害怕！他們只是想用奪目的燈光照亮你的眼睛，給你一種多個太陽一起發亮的感覺。你可以把他們看成是“陽光人士”，陪同“陽光人士”而來的是一羣假記者，他們實際上是城堡外聯人士，這些人的任務就是使你和你奶奶的形象在外界面前變得光彩奪目，因此你可要乖一些，不要總哭。

兩歲時，你就即將“上路”，每當“陽光人士”出現時，奶奶就需要你在他們面前微笑，千萬不要露醜。你奶奶身上不具備成人所說的那種母性，當你媽媽還是嬰兒時，你奶奶忙着在交易所牛市上把1千美元變成1萬美元呢。因此，當她把你的尿布換顛倒時，不要哭，你得假裝她確實在幫助你。

當你成爲一名十幾歲的青少年時，你也許會收到來自爺爺的奇怪邀請，如果他要求你邀請你的女性朋友們穿着比基尼到他家參加泳池派對時，千萬別感到驚訝。你爺爺喜歡年輕人，特別是年輕女性在陽光下嬉戲！

你一生中最精彩的部分就是人們會假裝你能力非凡，當你剛從大學畢業時就會收到例如像顧問這樣的高薪職務，當你有鏡頭感時，可以到國家廣播公司（NBC）當記者，甚至有朝一日你會成爲自由世界的領袖。你要學會接受這所有的一切，或許你媽媽和你將是克林頓王朝的第三、四代繼承人。