美滿婚姻的祕訣：絕不寬恕對方的過錯

It is meant to be the cornerstone of any strong relationship。

But new research shows that forgiveness is more likely to tear a marriage apart than keep it together。

Those not so easily forgiven were less likely to repeat their behavior, due to a loved one's criticism and the feelings of guilt and loneliness they experienced。

The findings, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, showed partners who got away with being moody, abusive or sarcastic to their spouses were much more likely to do it again。

Those that were rebuked or shunned were more inclined to curb their bad habits。

The research, by psychologists at the University of Tennessee, calls into question the long-held belief that forgiving a partner's minor transgressions is one of the building blocks of a solid relationship。

Dr James McNulty, from the university's department of psychology, recruited 135 newly-wed couples and asked each partner to keep a daily diary for one week。

In it, they recorded every time their new husband or wife engaged in "negative" behavior. This ranged from arguing and snapping to nagging and being moody。

They also had to record whether they forgave the transgressions, or instead strongly criticized their partner for their behavior。

Finally, each participant had to document whether, having been forgiven, their spouse continued to behave in a similar fashion the next day。

The results showed that forgiveness nearly doubled the chance of a husband or wife doing the same again the next day。

Dr McNulty said: "There is one plausible explanation - forgiveness allows relatively negative partners to continue their negative behaviors, ultimately harming the relationship."寬恕伴侶的過錯本應是穩定婚姻關係的支柱，然而新的研究卻發現寬恕更有可能導致婚姻破裂。

如果伴侶不輕易原諒，愛人的批評，以及他們內心的的愧疚和孤獨，會讓過錯方重犯錯誤的機率大大降低。

這項發表在《家庭心理學期刊》的研究發現表明，一方若是情緒不穩定、有虐待傾向或惡語相向而仍被原諒，那麼他們再犯的可能性就會增大。

然而若是被反擊或排斥，則很有可能收斂自己的行爲。

這項由田納西大學的心理學家們發起的研究質疑了原諒伴侶的小錯可以鞏固婚姻關係的這一傳統觀念。

該校心理學系的詹姆士•麥克那提博士徵集了135對新婚夫婦志願者，請夫婦雙方都記一週的日記，記錄對方的每一次 “負面”行爲，如爭執、吼叫、嘮叨、情緒化等。

日記裏也記錄是原諒這些小過錯，還是強烈譴責對方。

最終，每位參與者必須記錄，如果選擇原諒，對方次日是否會有所改進。

結果顯示如果一方選擇原諒，另一方在第二天繼續犯錯的機率增加了一倍。

麥克那提博士說：“其中一種解釋是寬恕會使過錯方繼續犯錯，然後最終破環夫妻關係。”