讓你的婚姻美滿的小訣竅(雙語圖文)
Having been married for more than 40 years, I can attest to the truth of the following statement: to excel in the art of domestic argument, one must master the art of losing.
作爲一個進入婚姻這座圍城40多年的人，我可以證明下面這段陳述絕對是正確的——想要在家庭爭論這門藝術中獲得勝利，首先，你要掌握以退爲進的藝術。
Modern psychologists are taken with the “win-win” solution. But in marriage, success resides more in “lose-lose” solutions. Out of these, both parties can win. For in the love configuration, losing gives a gift that always returns.
現代的心理學家們都熱衷於“雙贏”的解決辦法，而在婚姻中，成功者更多地採取的是“雙輸”的解決方案。通過這樣，夫妻雙方都可以是贏家。因爲，在愛情的天空下，放低姿態永遠是一份有回報的禮物。
One day shortly after my wife and I were married, we set about picking new living-room wallpaper from a book of samples. My taste and hers were at odds.
婚後不久的一天，我和老婆正着手於從一本樣品冊子裏挑選起居室的新壁紙。我和她有了分歧，我們各有自己喜歡的壁紙。
“I like this one,” she said. “That looks like a section of a diseased liver.” “How can you say that? This is a classical pattern that goes all the way back to the Venetian.” “The Venetian were blind. They named blinds after them, remember? I like this one.” “I wouldn’t hang that in hell if I were the devil.”
“我喜歡這一種。”她說道。
“這種壁紙看起來就像一塊患病的肝。”
“你怎麼能這樣說？這種圖案可是古典的古代威尼斯風格。”
“威尼斯人是瞎子，他們以威尼斯來命名百葉窗（在英語中，盲人和百葉窗是同一個詞——譯者注），記得嗎？我喜歡這一種。”
“我死也不會用那一種壁紙來作裝飾。”
As the argument went on, my wife suddenly slammed the book shut. “There are over two hundred samples in this book,” she declared. “I say we spend our energy finding one that suits us both, instead of bickering over the ones we don’t like.”
爭論繼續着，我老婆突然用力把冊子一合，大聲宣稱：“這本冊子裏有200多種樣品，我建議，我們還是花精力來找到一張我們都喜歡的樣品，而不是用來對那些我們不喜歡的品頭論足。”
And that’s how we settled it. Eventually we found a pattern we both liked. The “wallpaper book” became our symbol for settling the myriad issues that arise in marriage. “Well,” she’d say when we couldn’t agree on furniture or a place to vacation, “there are plenty of samples in the wallpaper book.”
我們就這樣解決了爭論。最後，我們終於找到了一個我們倆人都喜歡的圖案。壁紙樣品冊子成了一個典型事件，代表了我們解決婚姻中出現的無數問題的一個象徵。當我們在購買傢俱或去什麼地方度假的意見不一致時，我的老婆就會說：“在壁紙樣品冊子裏有大把樣品可選。”
The issues that people argue over most in marriage, such as how to spend money, often aren’t the real ones. The key issue is: who is going to be in control? When I was younger, my need to control arose out of fear, a lack of trust, insecurity. The day I finally realized I didn’t need to control my wife—that, indeed, I ought not control her, that I couldn’t control her, and that if I tried to, I would destroy our marriage—was the day our marriage began.
人們在婚姻中爭論的那些問題，諸如怎樣花錢之類，往往並不是爭論的真正問題所在。關鍵的問題是：誰是家裏的當家人。當我比較年青的時候，我想當家是出於恐懼，是缺乏信任和安全感。當我終於意識到我不必支配我老婆的時候，我們的婚姻纔算真正開始。確實，我不應該支配我的老婆，我也不能去支配她，如果我嘗試這樣去做，我將會毀了我們的婚姻。
Giving up control is often confused with weakness. But the winner in a domestic argument is never really the winner. When you win a battle and your partner submits, you have, paradoxically, lost.
放棄支配對方常常與“妻管嚴”和“大男人”相混淆。但是，在家庭爭吵中的贏家絕算不上是真正的贏家。當你贏得了一場口角，使你的人生伴侶順從的時候，恰恰相反，你其實是輸了。
What is it we want most from a marriage? To love and be loved. To be happy and secure. To grow, to discover. A love relationship is the garden in which we plant, cultivate and harvest the most precious of crops, our own self, and in which our spouse is provided the same rich soil in which to bloom.
我們在婚姻中最想得到的是什麼？是愛與被愛，是快樂與安定，去成長、去增長見識。一段愛的關係就像一個花園，在這個花園裏我們種植、培養和收穫最寶貴的農作物——我們自己。在這個花園裏，我們要給我們的配偶提供同樣肥沃的土壤，讓她或他茁壯成長。
We cannot obtain what we want unless our partner also gets what he or she wants. A woman may, for instance, want to go to the symphony. Her husband might hate symphonies. But by spending a few hours listening to music he doesn’t care for, he can bring joy to his partner. That’s a pretty cheap price to pay for joy, isn’t it?
除非我們的人生伴侶也能得到他或她想要的，否則，我們不可能得到自己想要的事物。例如：一個女人可能想去聽一場交響樂，而她的丈夫可能討厭交響樂，但是，只要丈夫花幾個小時去聽一下他不熱衷的音樂，就可以給他的伴侶帶來歡樂，難道這不是一個換取快樂的很容易的辦法嗎?
But what if a husband wants to go on a fishing trip with friends? Suddenly there aren’t a lot of samples in the wallpaper book: his wife either agrees or not.
但是如果丈夫想要和他的朋友們一起去釣魚呢？突然之間，在牆紙樣品冊子中沒有許多樣紙可供挑選了——老婆只能選擇“同意”或“不同意”。
Already you can hear the usual power strategies: “I’ll spend my money any way I please,” or “How come you’re such a millstone? Jim’s wife is happy that he gets to go.”
你應該已經聽過以下常見的爭權策略：“我可以按自己的心意來花我自己的錢。”或：“你怎麼這樣難纏？吉姆的老婆就很開通，他想去哪兒就去哪兒。”
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n. 剋制，控制，管制，操作裝置
vt. 控制
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vt. 培養，耕作，栽培，結交(朋友), 促進增長，教養
聯想記憶X單詞cultivate聯想記憶：cult培養，種植，ivate表動作 weakness['wi:knis]
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n. 軟弱
solution[sə'lu:ʃən]想一想再看
n. 解答，解決辦法，溶解，溶液
聯想記憶X單詞solution聯想記憶：solut鬆開+ion→溶解；解決 statement['steitmənt]
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n. 聲明，陳述
聯想記憶X單詞statement聯想記憶：state站，立+ment→站着說話→聲明；陳述 pattern['pætən]
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n. 圖案，式樣，典範，模式，型
v. 以圖案
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n. 搭檔，夥伴，合夥人
v. 同 ... 合
part部分+ner人→合作伙伴 configuration[kəu'reiʃən]
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n. 結構，佈局，形態，格式塔心理完形 [計算機] 配置
聯想記憶X單詞configuration聯想記憶：con共同，全部，figure形狀－全部形狀－輪廓有共同的形狀的是你們曾經玩過的拼圖（一種佈局，結構） obtain[əb'tein]
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vt. 獲得，得到
vi. 通用，流行，存在
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n. 不安全；不牢靠；無把握；心神不定
