經典科幻文學:《生命 宇宙及一切》第9章2

My name, said the mattress, is Zem. We could discuss the weather a little.
Marvin paused again in his weary circular plod.
The dew, he observed, has clearly fallen with a particularly sickening thud this morning.
He resumed his walk, as if inspired by this conversational outburst to fresh heights of gloom and despondency. He plodded tenaciously. If he had had teeth he would have gritted them at this point. He hadn’t. He didn’t. The mere plod said it all.
The mattress flolloped around. This is a thing that only live mattresses in swamps are able to do, which is why the word is not in more common usage. It flolloped in a sympathetic sort of way, moving a fairish body of water as it did so. It blew a few bubbles up through the water engagingly. Its blue and white stripes glistened briefly in a sudden feeble ray of sun that had unexpectedly made it through the mist, causing the creature to bask momentarily.
Marvin plodded.
You have something on your mind, I think, said the mattress floopily.
More than you can possibly imagine, dreaded Marvin. My capacity for mental activity of all kinds is as boundless as the infinite reaches of space itself. Except of course for my capacity for happiness.
Stomp, stomp, he went.
My capacity for happiness, he added, you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first.
The mattress globbered. This is the noise made by a live, swamp-dwelling mattress that is deeply moved by a story of personal tragedy. The word can also, according to The Ultra-Complete MaxiMegalon Dictionary of Every Language Ever, mean the noise made by the Lord High Sanvalvwag of Hollop on discovering that he has forgotten his wife’s birthday for the second year running. Since there was only ever one Lord High Sanvalvwag of Hollop, and he never married, the word is only ever used in a negative or speculative sense, and there is an ever-increasing body of opinion which holds that The Ultra-Complete MaxiMegalon Dictionary is not worth the fleet of lorries it takes to cart its microstored edition around in. Strangely enough, the dictionary omits the word “floopily”, which simply means “in the manner of something which is floopy”.
The mattress globbered again.
I sense a deep dejection in your diodes, it vollued (for the meaning of the word “vollue”, buy a copy of Squornshellous Swamptalk at any remaindered bookshop, or alternatively buy The Ultra-Complete MaxiMegalon Dictionary, as the University will be very glad to get it off their hands and regain some valuable parking lots), and it saddens me. You should be more mattresslike. We live quiet retired lives in the swamp, where we are content to flollop and vollue and regard the wetness in a fairly floopy manner. Some of us are killed, but all of us are called Zem, so we never know which and globbering is thus kept to a minimum. Why are you walking in circles?
Because my leg is stuck, said Marvin simply.
It seems to me, said the mattress eyeing it compassionately, that it is a pretty poor sort of leg.
You are right, said Marvin, it is.

“我的名字，”牀墊說，“叫贊姆。咱們可以談談天氣。”
馬文再次從他的小圈裏停下來。
“露水……”他評論道，“今天早上掉下來的聲音真是噁心，”
他繼續轉圈，似乎因爲剛纔那次談話所爆發出的、全新高度的憂鬱和沮喪而大受鼓舞。他拖着沉重的步子。如果他有牙齒的話，現在定會咬牙切齒。他沒有。他就沒咬。不過那種步子已經說明了一切。
那張牀墊在一邊湃打着。這個動作只有沼澤裏的活牀墊才做得出來，因此這個詞並不常見。它很同情地湃打着，擺動它水汪汪的漂亮的身體。它在水裏吹了一串可愛的泡泡。它身上那些藍白條紋，恰好被一縷突然之間穿過濃霧的、微弱的陽光照到，一瞬間光芒閃耀。這個生物感到通體舒暢。
馬文還是拖着步子。
“你肯定在想着什麼，我覺得。”牀墊凇軟地說。
“比你想象的多多了。”馬文陰鬱地說，“我的腦子在各方面的性能，和無垠的太空一樣強大。當然，我的快樂能力除外。”
咚，咚。他拖着步子。
“我的快樂能力，”他接着說，“小得可以裝進火柴盒。而且你不必把火柴取出來。”
牀墊沾乎了一聲。這是一種特殊的聲音，是當一張居於沼澤的活牀墊、聽到一段慘痛的個人經歷之後，深受觸動而發出的聲音。此詞亦見於《史上超全極巨無敵所有語言詞典》，也被解釋爲一種特殊的聲音，是當豁落普星之王——高森瓦爾沃格大帝發現自己第二年依然忘了老婆生日時發出的聲音。由於迄今爲止只有一位豁落普星之王——高森瓦爾沃格大帝，而他沒結過婚，所以這個詞只用於否定或推測義。同時，越來越多的人覺得，《史上超全極巨無敵所有語言詞典》這本書，根本不值得動用那麼龐大的運輸車隊把它的袖珍版拉進門。最奇怪的是，這本詞典未曾收錄“凇軟地”這個詞，其意爲“表現得凇軟”。
牀墊又沾乎了一聲。
“我感覺到你二極管深處的頹喪，”它流淡道（要了解這個詞的意思嘛，你可以在任何一家減價書店買份《斯科謝勒斯Ζ星沼澤談》，也可以選擇買《史上超全極巨無敵所有語言詞典》——那所大學會很高興將它脫手的，這樣他們就能重獲好多車位了），“這令我很難過。你應該更加牀墊化。我們在沼澤裏過着清靜的退休生活，我們可以湃打，可以流淡，可以以凇軟的心態面對潮溼。有些牀墊會被殺死，但我們都叫做贊姆，所以我們從不知道是誰死了，因此能夠儘量不沾乎太多。你爲什麼一直轉圈？”
“因爲我的腿卡住了。”馬文簡短地說。
“我覺得，”牀墊向他投去憐憫的目光，“這腿真是好可憐。”
“你說對了。”馬文說，“它是的。”