雙語故事:父愛從未缺席 I Grew Up with My Father in Jail

Every morning at approximately 8:48 a.m., I pass it—the brick building that I visited many times as a child and that once seemed so grand, now a miniature playhouse in my mind.

每天早晨，大約8點48分的時候，我都會路過那棟磚砌的建築。小時候，我曾經多次造訪過那裏。那時，這棟樓看起來是那麼威嚴宏大，可如今它在我心裏就像一個微型的玩具小屋。

My father used to live there, along with 549 other inmates1). When I’d visit, as I often did, we’d chat and laugh—through a glass wall, telephones in hand.

我父親就曾住在那裏，和其他549名囚犯生活在一起。我常常去探望他，每次去時，我們都有說有笑——只不過我和他之間隔着一堵玻璃牆，每人手裏拿着電話。

For me, it was normal. It was all I knew. And I relished2) connecting with him. It was one of the most important relationships in my life, and still is today.

對我來說，這種交流方式很正常。因爲我所知道的交流方式就是這樣的。我喜歡這麼和他聊天。那時候，和父親的交流是我生命中最重要的情感寄託之一，直至今天也是如此。

Experts say the years before you turn 5 are the most important. I must be lucky then. The day he was arrested on drug-related charges, the day I smiled at the policeman in our home, the day that everything changed was six months before my sixth birthday.

專家說，每個人五歲之前的經歷對其成長是最爲重要的。要這麼說的話，我肯定是幸運的。因爲就在父親因毒品案被捕的那一天、我衝着那個闖進我家的警察微笑的那一天、我的生活從此完全改變的那一天，我已經五歲半了。

Over the years, the weekly commutes to visit my father became rituals. Eventually, after several years, we were allowed real visits when he was moved to a lower-security facility—the kind of visits where you can hug and tickle, where a conversation’s connection doesn’t depend on the distorted and crackly voice coming through the telephone, where words can be freely exchanged without the clock ticking, reminding you that time is slipping, moving faster than it should, faster than you’d like.

那之後許多年，我每星期都會坐車去探望父親，這已經成爲一種習慣。終於，在幾年後，父親被轉到一所防衛不那麼嚴格的監獄，我們這才被允許“真正”地探望他：我們可以互相擁抱，互相胳肢；可以直接對話而不再依賴電話裏那種有些失真又沙啞的聲音；可以自由地交談，沒有時鐘在一旁嘀嗒嘀嗒，提醒我們時間在一點點溜走，而且那時鐘總是走得特別快，比你希望得快。

We’ve always shared a sense of understanding, my father and I. We can look at one another and know what the other is thinking. We get each other.

父親和我之間一直有那麼一種默契。我們看着對方，就知道彼此心裏在想什麼。我們心有靈犀。

You’d think his absence would have prevented him from making rules, enforcing discipline and participating in the day-to-day of my childhood, but that wasn’t so. He wrote me every week, and I often go back and read what’s left of the folded, disintegrating letters. He’d tell me stories and I’d draw him fashion designs.

也許你會覺得，既然父親沒在家，他肯定沒辦法給我立規矩或是管教我，在我的童年生活裏，他肯定也沒辦法天天陪着我，但實際情況卻並非如此。他每個星期都會給我寫信，那些留着的信現在已經摺痕累累、支離破碎，但我還時常回過頭去讀一讀。他會在信裏給我講故事，而我會給他畫服裝設計的圖樣。

In person, we’d talk, not just speak. His life lessons, never cliché but always earnest, struck a chord with me and I soaked up3) every word. He told me that not having a father had been a detriment4) to his ego and that he’d overcompensated5) by feeling infallible6) well into his 30s. He spoke of the shame he’d caused his family and how there were times when he almost cracked, being isolated from his family, from love, from who he used to be.

見面的時候，我們會傾心交談，而不僅僅是閒聊瞎扯。他會和我分享他的人生經驗，句句真摯中肯，從不老生常談，他說的每一個字都讓我深感共鳴，我把這些話牢記心間。他告訴我，他從小沒有父親，這讓他的自尊深受傷害，而三十多歲時，他又走到另一個極端，過於自信，覺得自己永遠是正確的。他還談到自己的所作所爲讓家人蒙受的恥辱，他說自己好幾次都幾近崩潰——因爲遠離家人，遠離關愛，無法做回曾經的自己。

Other children looked forward to Saturdays, long stretches of time when their fathers would take them to swimming or hockey lessons, to the park for a walk or for an ice-cream cone. I could barely sleep with anticipation, getting up as early as 5 a.m. to hop in the car for the two-hour drive ahead.

別的孩子們都盼着過週六，期待在那長長的閒暇時間裏，他們的父親會帶他們去學游泳或上曲棍球課，去公園裏散步或買冰淇淋甜筒。而我每週五晚會因滿心期待而難以入睡，週六早上我會五點起牀，跳上汽車，然後坐兩個小時的車去探望父親。

The ice cream I was missing paled in comparison with the sweet joy of simply “being” with my dad. To have our chats, to share outdoor barbecues with my father and other families who would gather. Most children have school friends and neighbourhood friends. I had those too, but I also had my jail friends, the girls and boys with whom I would run around and play tag, not truly comprehending why these individuals probably understood me and my life far better than anyone else.

不過，只要能和父親“待”在一起，我就感到甜蜜而快樂，相比之下，沒吃上冰淇淋就顯得微不足道了。我可以和父親聊天，和父親以及其他週末在這個地方相聚的家庭一起在戶外燒烤。大多數孩子的朋友是學校的同學或是附近的鄰居。我也有這樣的朋友，但我還有一幫在監獄裏結識的夥伴。這些夥伴中有男孩也有女孩，我們一起東奔西跑，一起玩捉人遊戲，那時我並沒有真正理解，爲什麼這些孩子可能會比其他人更能理解我和我的生活。

My mother, who had long since7) separated from my father, would often ask me about my feelings, trying to uncover some inadequacy8) I felt, pressing for details and expressions that might make sense. How could I be okay?

很久以前，母親就和父親離婚了。她總是問我對父親入獄這件事有什麼感受，盡力尋找每一個可能有意義的細節和表情，試圖證明我是感覺受傷害了的。她想不明白我怎麼可能一點兒事兒都沒有呢？

But how could I not? As a child, the word jail means nothing, and this proved itself when my stepmother broke the news to me a few months after my father’s arrest. She took me for an ice cream, and as we sat in her car in the parking lot, she explained why the police had been at our home, what it all meant, how my father would not be returning any time soon.

可我爲什麼就不能感覺良好呢？對於一個孩子來說，“監獄”這個詞沒有任何意義。這一點，從父親被捕幾個月後繼母告訴我這個消息時我的反應上就能看出來。她帶我去買了一個冰淇淋，然後，在停車場裏，我們坐在她的車上時，她向我解釋了警察爲什麼會來我家，這一切都意味着什麼，以及父親爲何在短時間內不能回家了。

Yes, I cried, but only because I thought I was supposed to. I couldn’t comprehend the magnitude. I just did what all kids learn to do around this age, intuitively gauge what an adult wants from you and serve it up9), all the while holding one’s breath while waiting for approval.

沒錯，我哭了，但那只是因爲我覺得我應該哭。我那時無法理解這件事情的嚴重性。我只是做了所有大概這個年齡的孩子都會做的事：憑直覺估計一下大人希望你怎麼做，然後把它做出來，同時屏住呼吸，等着大人的認可。

I was 11 when my father finally came home. I learned all about responsibility when he signed me up for a part-time job serving ice cream at the beach. I acted excited, though like most 11-year-olds, all I wanted to do was park myself in front of the television all summer long. But I wanted to please him, wanted to earn those extra smiles, all the ones I’d missed.

我11歲那年，父親終於刑滿回家了。他給我報名，讓我去應聘了一份在沙灘上賣冰淇淋的兼職工作，這份工作讓我徹底瞭解了什麼是責任。我當時假裝很激動，但其實像大多數11歲的孩子一樣，我只想整個夏天都坐在電視機前度過。但是我想讓他高興，想多看到他笑，想把我錯過的那些笑容都補回來。

Years later, as I stare out the window while I pass that brick building on my daily commute to work, I often wonder if I lost something, if those special years that others had with their fathers, the ones I didn’t, harmed me in some way. Am I really that different? Do I have attachment issues?

多年以後，當我每天乘車上班途經那棟磚砌的建築時，都會從車窗向外凝望，此時我經常問自己，我是否錯失過什麼？在那特別的幾年裏，別的孩子可以和他們的父親一起度過，但我卻沒有父親陪伴，這是否對我造成了這樣或那樣的傷害呢？我真的那麼與衆不同嗎？我在情感方面有沒有什麼問題？

I still live at home, but so does every other twentysomething I know. They still enjoy home-cooked meals, pristinely10) arranged households and all bills paid for by their parents.

我現在還和父母住在一起，但我認識的其他二十多歲的年輕人也都和父母一起住。他們還是很喜歡吃家裏做的飯菜，喜歡家裏一切都收拾得整齊乾淨，更喜歡父母幫他們付清所有的賬單。

When I think about moving out, I know it’s not time yet. It’s not the conveniences that come from living a life almost free of responsibility, although that’s a bonus.

我也考慮過搬出去住，但我知道還不是時候。不過，這並不是因爲這種幾乎不需要負任何責任的生活給我帶來了很多便利，雖然這種便利是額外的獎勵。

I’m not ready to give up the small inner burst of joy I get every morning when my dad pops his head into my bedroom and says, “Morning, Mini,” a nickname I’ve kept far too many years. I growl and tell him to “get out!” since it’s hours before I need to get up. But I can’t help smiling.

我不願意搬出去住，是因爲我還沒有準備好放棄每天早上父親突然探頭到我的臥室，衝我喊“早安，米妮(一個我叫了好多年的小名)！”時，我心裏迸發出來的那點小小的快樂。我會很生氣地朝他大吼“出去！”，因爲離我該起牀的時間還有好幾個小時呢。但每當此時，我都會忍不住地微笑起來。