解讀身染毒癮前NBA球員奧多姆的懺悔信

Former NBA player Lamar Odom's tangle with hard drugs nearly killed him, but it didn't rob him of his ability to talk about a dangerous dance with his demons.

前NBA球員拉瑪爾奧多姆身染毒癮，甚至險些喪命。但是這並不妨礙他去講述與毒癮鬥爭的歷程。

Odom lost nearly everything in a very public way because of his addiction--his NBA career and marriage to Khloe Kardashian, chief among them detailed what led him to the hospital, where he had 12 strokes and two heart attacks.

衆所周知，奧多姆的毒癮幾乎毀掉了他生活中的一切——包括他的NBA生涯以及和科勒卡戴珊的婚姻。奧多姆說到，其中最嚴重的事是因爲吸毒被送入醫院，經歷了多次搶救才得以保住性命。

"At some point, the main doctor came in and told me what had happened," Odom wrote. "He said, 'Mr. Odom, you've been in a coma for the last four days. Do you understand?' I couldn't talk. So I just nodded. He said, 'It's a miracle that you're here. We didn't think you were going to make it."

“在某個時候，主治醫生進來告訴我發生了什麼事”，奧多姆寫到。“他說：‘奧多姆先生，你知道嗎？你已經昏迷了四天’，我講不出話來，只能點點頭，我們以爲你撐不過來了，你能活過來簡直是個奇蹟。”

Odom says he was in shock and felt helpless for the first time in his life, but that it was no wonder he ended up there.

“我當時很震驚，人生中第一次感到無助，但毫無疑問我要從那兒重新開始了”，奧多姆說到。

"At that point in my life, I was doing coke every day. Pretty much every second of free time that I had, I was doing coke. I couldn't control it," Odom wrote.

“在那之前的日子，我每天都吸食可卡因，只要一有空我就會去吸食可卡因，”我無法控制我自己。

In the article, Odom used "Cocaine is a hell of a drug" saying it made him do things he'd never imagined himself doing. But mostly, he kept wondering how he got there, he wrote, and those he'd lost.

在信中，奧多姆用“可卡因是個惡魔”來描述毒癮讓他做出了一些他從不敢想的事情。但是信中的大部分內容是他回想着自己是怎樣走到今天這個地步，怎樣迷失了自我的。

Odom, 37, wrote that he had his whole future planned out from an early age.

37歲的奧多姆寫到在自己很小的時候就制訂了關於未來的整個計劃。

But a life touched with tragedy led him down the path he'd planned to avoid. It started with his mom's illness and a visit to see her in the hospital right before she died.

但是生活中的不幸讓他不可避免的倒下了，所有的一切都從他母親的疾病開始，以及母親臨終前的那次去醫院的探望。

"When I was 12 years old, she got sick. I knew she had colon cancer, but I didn't really know how bad it was. She kind of kept it from me to protect me," he wrote. "I just remember that she went into the hospital for a while, and when I went to visit her, it seemed like she was getting ... smaller. Like she was disappearing."

“我12歲的時候，母親就病了，我知道她得了結腸癌，但是我不知道它有多麼嚴重，她保護着我不受到任何傷害。”他寫到“我只記得她去住院了，當我去看望她時，她是如此的消瘦以至於看起來快要枯萎了一樣”。

"I don't think anything can prepare you for losing your mother at 12 years old. It leaves a mark on you. I don't care how strong you think you are," he wrote.

“我不認爲一個12歲的小孩能夠接受失去母親的事實，它會給你留下陰影。無論你認爲自己有多麼強大”。他寫到。

Odom wrote about how at 12 years old, he swore to himself he'd never touch cocaine.

奧多姆寫到，12歲的時候他就發誓永遠不會去碰毒品。

"I didn't try it until I was 24 years old, when I was on summer vacation in Miami. And ... I wish I could tell you there was a reason for it. There wasn't. It was just an asinine decision I made. If I knew that it was going to affect my life the way it did, I would've never even thought about it. Never. But I did it. It turned out to be a life-altering decision," he wrote.

“直到24歲的那年夏天，我在邁阿密度假。我多麼希望我去吸毒是有原因的，但是並不是這樣的，這就是我自己所做的一個愚蠢的決定。如果我知道這個決定將會給我的生活帶來怎樣的影響。我希望我從來沒有過這個想法，但是它還是成爲了一個改變我生活的決定。”他寫到。

Shortly afterward, his grandmother died. Then other family members also died, including his 6-month-old son, Jayden, to sudden infant death syndrome. Odom fed the pain with more cocaine, and with it came more and more reckless behavior and yes, shame.

不久，他的祖母也過世了，其他的家庭成員也相繼過世，包括了他6個月的兒子，死於嬰兒猝死綜合症。爲了緩解痛苦，奧多姆愈發吸食可卡因，隨之而來的便是越來越多的魯莽羞愧的行爲。

"When I was like 32, 33 ... I just wanted to get high all the time. That's it, just get high. And things got dark as hell," Odom wrote. "One of the darkest places I've ever been was when I was in a motel room, and my wife (at the time) walked in. That probably was like rock bottom."

“當我32，33歲的時候，我所想的就是整天嗑藥，是的，只是嗑藥。生活陷入無止境的黑暗。“奧多姆寫到”。最黑暗的是時候是我待在一個汽車旅館，我的妻子（當時的）進來了。那可能是我人生的最低谷。”

"The doctors told me that right before I woke up from the coma, my kids had come by to see me. And that broke my heart, because I had seen my own mother on her deathbed, with tubes coming out of her mouth," he wrote. "My kids are the only things that kept me going. I've been a big strong dude my whole life, so anytime my kids see me in a weak point like that is definitely hard for me -- even to talk about now."

“醫生告訴我，我從昏迷中醒來前我的孩子來看過我，這讓我心頭一震，因爲我也去看望過我臨終前的媽媽，她嘴裏含着很多管子”，他寫到。“我的孩子是我撐下來的唯一理由。我一直都是一個強壯的男人，任何時候讓我的孩子看到我如此虛弱對我而言都是難以接受的，現在也是如此。

Odom finished rehab, where he learned to "submit to everything," he wrote. He learned to deal with anxiety he didn't realize was causing him so many problems. He admits his addiction and knows it's not going anywhere. He credits his children for keeping him on the straight and narrow. He's doing the best he can, he wrote, and dealing with the fallout.

奧多姆完成了康復訓練，在這個過程中他學會了“接受現狀”，他寫到。他學會去處理焦慮，他沒有意識到正是焦慮導致了這麼多問題，他承認自己的毒癮，並承諾不會再犯，他向自己的孩子保證做一個安分守己的人，並盡力去彌補那些不好的影響，他寫到。

"I shook hands with death. But you know what? Ain't no coming back from that," he wrote.

“我曾與死神插肩而過，但是你知道嗎？我不會再回頭了”，他寫到。

"Even though my funeral would probably be a good funeral, and there'd probably be a lot of people who hadn't seen each other in a long time. But it ain't time for that yet. ... I still got my kids. I'm still here. And damn, I'm still pretty handsome."

“儘管我的葬禮將會是一個盛大的葬禮，很多人也會因此而重逢，但這還不是時候……我依舊擁有我的孩子，我仍然站在這兒。天啊，我還是如此的帥氣”！

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