時尚雙語:一個對青春期孩子的父母的指南

一個對青春期孩子的父母的指南

You've lived through 2 AM feedings,toddlertemper tantrums, and the but-I-don't-want-to-go-to-school-today blues. So why is the word "teenager" causing you so much anxiety?

When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.

Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help children grow into the distinct individuals they will become.

Understanding the Teen Years

So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your kid is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late arrivals, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.

But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts, menstrual periods, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are certainly the most visible signs of impending adulthood, but children between the ages of 10 and 14 (or even younger) can also be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.

Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and they're desperately trying to fit in.

Kids often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become acutely aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents.

Butting Heads

One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although that extreme may be the case for some kids and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most teens.

But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from their parents - especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teens always seeming to have different opinions than their parents or not wanting to be around their parents in the same way they used to.

As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And parents of teens may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves - and their opinions - strongly and rebelling against parental control.

You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"

Tips for Parenting During the Teen Years

Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:

Educate Yourself

Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early - or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she finds his or her way as an individual. Parents who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare your child.

Talk to Your Child Early Enough

Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions your child has about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload your child with information - just answer their questions.

You know your child. You can hear when your child's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:

* Are you noticing any changes in your body?
* Are you having any strange feelings?
* Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?

A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent child - and you - what to expect in the next few years. The exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/child discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your child will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.

Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication on these subjects, the better chance you have of keeping them open throughout the teen years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence with your child. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put your child more at ease.

Put Yourself in Your Child's Place

Practice empathy with your growing child. Help your child understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious. Tell your child it's OK to feel grown-up 1 minute and like a little child the next.

Pick Your Battles

If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, it may be worth thinking twice before you object. Teens want to shock their parents and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.

Maintain Your Expectations

Teens will likely act unhappy with expectations their parents place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their parents care enough about them to expect things from them. Appropriate grades, behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house are important standards to maintain. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them.

Inform Your Teen - and Stay Informed Yourself

The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with your child before he or she is exposed to them increases the chance that your teen will act responsibly when the time comes.

Know your child's friends - and know your child's friends' parents. Regular communication between the parents of adolescents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all the children in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the kids feel that they're being watched.

Know the Warning Signs

A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in a child's personality or behavior may signal real trouble - the kind that needs professional help. Watch out for one or more of these warning signs:

* extreme weight gain or loss
* sleep problems
* rapid, drastic changes in personality
* sudden change in friends
* skipping school continually
* falling grades
* talk or even jokes about suicide
* signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
* run-ins with the law

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your child's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your child's doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.

Respect Your Child's Privacy

Some parents, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their child does is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you might want to invade your child's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.

In other words, your teenager's room and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where your child is going, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!

Monitor What Your Child Sees and Reads

Television shows, magazines and books, the Internet - kids have access to tons of information. Be aware of what your child is watching and reading. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what your child is learning from the media and who he or she may be communicating with over the Internet.

Make Appropriate Rules

Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your child was a baby. Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Does your child keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? You decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing child doesn't always want to be with you anymore. Think back. You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Will This Ever Be Over?

As your child continues to progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, you'll have an independent, responsible, communicative child. So remember the motto of many parents with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it - together!

撫養孩子會經歷兩個階段，十幾歲的孩子會和蹣跚學步的孩子一樣亂髮脾氣，甚至有一天會神情沮喪的說“我不想去上學了”，這就是爲什麼十幾歲的孩子會讓父母那麼憂慮的原因。

當你想到十幾歲年齡是迅速成長髮育時期時，它不只是身體上的還有精神上的、智能上的，這是一個讓許多家庭混亂和動盪的時期，對此人們已經理解了。儘管在一些成年人的眼力消極的認爲十幾歲的孩子經常是精力旺盛的、有思想的而且是唯心主義的，對什麼是公平的和正確的充滿強烈的興趣。所以，雖然這段時期在父母和孩子之間會有衝突，但也是一個幫助孩子成長爲個性鮮明的人的最好時期。

瞭解這段時期

那麼到底什麼時候青春期確切開始了呢？在孩子身上發出的信息是：每個人各不相同。開始的時間有早有晚，有發展迅速的但也有發展緩慢且穩定的。換句話說，標準很寬泛。

但是區分出青春期和發育期很重要（稍微需要點技巧）。很多人認爲青春期就是第二性特徵迅速發育成熟時期：胸部發育、月經期開始、陰毛和鬍鬚的生長。這些當然都是接近成人期最明顯的特徵，但十到十四歲（或是更早一點）之間的孩子他們的許多變化並不能真正從外表看出來。這些就是青春期的變化。

很多孩子青春期開始的標誌表現在父母周圍發生的變化。他們開始與媽媽、爸爸疏遠變得更獨立。與此同時，這個年齡的孩子開始更關注別人的看法，尤其是同齡人的，看到別人怎樣就拼命的去適應。

孩子們開始經常“嘗試”不同的樣子和身份，當對待自己與其他人不同時感覺變得異常敏銳。從而導致與父母之間發生許多不幸的趣事和衝突。

正面衝突

青春期一個共同的特點就是對抗，在狂熱的時期不斷的與父母發生分歧。雖然那種極端可能導致這個時期的孩子情緒不穩，但這種情形並不代表大多數的十幾歲的孩子。

但這個時期的最初的目的只是達到獨立。因此會出現十幾歲的孩子疏遠父母尤其是和他們最親近的人。這樣就可能出現孩子們的觀點似乎總是和父母的不一樣，不在想象過去那樣以父母爲中心。

隨着他們的成熟，他們開始更加抽象地和理性地去思考，他們在形成自己的道德標準。父母可能會發現以前很願意適應父母並讓父母滿意的孩子突然開始維護他們自己了“他們的觀點”強烈地而且是反叛地對待父母的管束。

你需要認真的想一想你留給孩子的獨立空間有多大，問一下自己“我是控制形的父母嗎？”“我傾聽孩子的心聲了嗎？”“我讓孩子去體驗與我不同的觀點了嗎？”

關於青春期教育孩子的提示

找到一個幫你度過這段時期的路程圖。這裏有一些方法提示。

教育自己

讀一些關於青春期的書。回想一下自己的青春期，想一想你和粉刺的鬥爭，以及在發育過程中前前後後發生的讓你困窘的事。設想一下你的陽光天使般的孩子在情緒上會有什麼樣的典型變化。準備一下與他或她可能出現的衝突，發現他的或是她的獨特個性。父母應該瞭解對將要發生的事怎樣處理會更好。儘可能的爲孩子多做些準備。

儘早與孩子交談

不要等事情已經開始了你在遲遲的講關於月經了、春夢了。儘可能早的回答孩子們關於身體的問題，象男孩與女孩的區別，小孩從那來的。不要超出孩子的知識範圍只是回答問題就可以了。瞭解孩子，當你聽到孩子講關於“性”的笑話或關注個人經驗的增長時，這是個你提問題的一個好時機。

如：你注意到你身體的變化了嗎？

你有什麼特別的感覺嗎？

你有時感到沮喪卻不知道爲什麼嗎？

每年的身體檢查是提出這些問題的最好時機。醫生會告訴你和你的青春期前的孩子在未來幾年裏可能出現的情況。 這個體檢能夠爲父母、孩子提供一個開始有重點的討論機會，如果這討論晚了的話，可能會孩子產生誤解或是對身體和情緒的變化感到苦惱或害怕。

此外，你越早的開始關於這類話題的交流你就有可能擁有讓青春期的孩子向你袒露他們的想法的更好機會。給孩子開一些有關青春期的文章以便孩子能順利度過青春期。跟孩子分享你自己的青春期生活。讓孩子知道爸爸媽媽的青春期生活其實也沒有什麼，可能會讓孩子感到更自在一些。

換位思考

假設你就是成長中的孩子，讓孩子明白他們對自己有點兒關注或自我意識是正常的。告訴孩子瞬間感到自己長大了，可是接下來感覺還是個孩子是件好事。

接受挑戰

如果孩子染髮，把手指甲塗成黑色或是穿山讓你大吃一驚的衣服，在你反對以前應該深思熟慮。孩子想讓家長震驚或是做一些暫時的無傷害的事應該是比較不錯的；象那種不顧家長的反對去吸菸、吸毒、或是喝酒那纔是真正的問題。

堅持你的期望

十幾歲的對待父母對他們的期望總是表現出不高興。但是，他們應該理解明白父母非常關心對他們的期望的結果。有一個適合孩子的程度、適當的行爲標準以及在家要遵守的規則都是要堅持的重要標準。如果父母對孩子的期望標準是適當的，孩子們會很願意去實現的。

提醒孩子---而且要經常提醒

十幾歲的孩子會經常去體驗一些事務，有時還會體驗一些危險行爲。不可避免的回涉及到性、毒品、飲酒或是吸菸；在孩子想要體驗這些危險行爲之前就和他們公開討論，當事情來臨時孩子們會增加做出負責的反應的機會。

瞭解孩子的朋友---以及孩子朋友的父母。青春期孩子的父母定期的溝通能夠幫助孩子們建立一個安全的環境。父母可以彼此幫助堅持給孩子制訂的行爲標準，而且不回讓孩子有被管制的感覺。

瞭解預警信號

在十幾歲的年齡階段某些大的變化可能是正常的。但是孩子的性格或行爲方面的強烈變化或長期的反覆無常可能就是一種紅色預警信號------孩子需要專業性的幫助。注意一下警告信號：

體重迅速增加或下降。

睡眠問題。

性格快速的、急劇的變化。

學習成績下降。

談到自殺或是拿自殺開玩笑。

吸菸、飲酒或是吸毒的信號。

時不時的與法律發生聯繫。

任何一種持續六週以上的不適當的行爲都可能是一種潛在的麻煩信號。你可能想到這階段的孩子的行爲或學習成績會有一兩點小故障，但是一個成績優秀的學術成就突然下降或是性格開朗的孩子突然變得沉默孤獨，這時候你需要來自孩子的一生活專門的顧問、心理專家、精神病專家的適當的幫助。

尊重孩子的隱私

一些父母都瞭解這是一個很棘手的問題。他們可能會認爲孩子的事就是父母的事，但要幫助一個十幾歲的孩子成長爲一個青年，你需要放任孩子的一些隱私。如果你注意到一些問題的信號你可能會介入孩子的隱私直到了解問題的實質。但反過來，你如果及時的退出也是一個好主意。

換句話說，孩子的房間、孩子的電話都屬於孩子的隱私。不要期待十幾歲的孩子會與你永遠分享他們的想法和行動。當然了，爲了安全起見，你應該瞭解孩子要去哪，要做什麼，和誰在一起，但不需要知道細節，更不要期待他們會邀請你參加。

監控孩子看什麼或讀什麼

電視節目、雜誌、書、網絡，孩子對這些大量信息有權使用。一定要知道孩子在看什麼讀什麼。不要害怕對孩子花費在電腦或是電視上的時間進行控制。瞭解孩子從媒體上學到了什麼以及和誰在網上交流。

制訂適當的規章制度

與孩子年齡相適應的作息時間，就象嬰幼兒要有相應的時間表一樣。對孩子的良好表現給與適當的獎勵。你的孩子會遵守十點鐘宵禁的時間嗎？會把時間推遲到十點半嗎？會總是和家人一起外出嗎？對於你制訂的規定當孩子不能遵守時不要侮辱責備他們。回想一下，這種情況或許同樣發生在你和你的父母身上。

這種情況會結束嗎？

隨着孩子在這個過程中的不斷進步。你會注意到青春期的顯著變化會慢下來。最終你的孩子會成爲一個獨立的、負責任的、健談的人。一定要記住許多父母關於青春期孩子的格言：我們會一起面對問題並且一起解決問題。