給父親的一封信...他不知道我愛他(1)

It was four years ago that we found out about the cancer growing inside you. You called me and soberly told me the news - that it had already spread, that you didn't know how long you had left. I was still at university. I spent the first few months in shock. My precocious but naive self had always, up until then, assumed I'd always have the ability to control every problem that might come my way. But for the first time I felt powerless. I wished I could just reach into you and take the cancer out. But I knew there was nothing I could do.

四年前,我們發現了你體內的惡性腫瘤，你冷靜地打電話給我告訴我這個消息,它已經開始蔓延,你不知道還能活多久。那時我還在上大學，我在痛苦中度過了前幾個月，早熟但天真的我直到那時還總是假設我有能力控制即將發生的每個問題，但是我第一次感到無能爲力，我希望我可以進入你的身體拿走癌細胞，但是我知道我什麼也做不了。

We've been lucky. You responded well to treatment and you're still here, though we don't know for how much longer.

我們很幸運，雖然我們不知道你還能堅持多久，但是你還活着並且對治療反應良好。

Though we've often talked about the cancer and what it means, in all our discussions over the past four years I've never been able to say what I really want to say. I've always wanted to say that I love you, and that I'm grateful for everything you've given me.

儘管我們經常談論癌症意味着什麼,但是在過去四年的所有討論中我從來沒有能夠說出我真正想說的。我一直想說,我愛你,我很感激你給我的一切。

But I can't. The words won't come. It feels like there's this unwritten rule in our father-son relationship that prevents it. You're a man of a certain age, conservative and guarded with your emotions. You keep your feelings to yourself and expect others to do the same.

但我沒有把這句話說出來，好像有一不成文的規則，這句話在我們的父子關係上總被阻止。你是一個保守、謹慎的中年人,你自己保持你的感情,希望別人也這樣做。

But I know you care. I've seen your proud looks when I've told you about my achievements at work and school over the years. I've seen your concern when things haven't gone well. I remember all the offers of help.（be continued）

但我知道你在意，那些年當我告訴你關於我工作和學校的成就時，我已經看到過你驕傲的表情，當事情進展不是很順利時，我看到過你的關心，我記得你給過我的所有幫助。