雙語閱讀：沉默是感情中的隱形殺手
摘要： 美國《沙龍》網絡雜誌指出：“沉默是金”的道理沒錯，但是“沉默對待”卻能毀了一段感情。
Silence may be golden, but “the silent treatment” can ruin a relationship, according to a recent study, the online magazine Salon reported.
The silent treatment is one of the most common forms of conflict within a relationship, especially a romantic one. Researchers call it the “demand-withdraw” pattern. It happens when one partner repeatedly approaches the other with a request, whether asking for attention or change — or criticism, but is met with avoidance or silence.
美國《沙龍》網絡雜誌指出：“沉默是金”的道理沒錯，但是“沉默對待”卻能毀了一段感情。
在一段關係，尤其是愛情關係中，沉默對待是最常見的感情衝突之一。研究者將其稱爲“要求/退縮溝通”模式。在這種模式下，一方不斷提出要求，尋求注意或是希望另一方做出改變，而另一方則沉默或迴避。
Frustrated by the lack of response, the person who made the demands makes more. The person who withdrew retreats further — initiating a vicious cycle.
由於缺乏反饋，於是提要求的一方變本加厲，而退縮的一方則愈發迴避，從而形成惡性循環。
沉默是感情中的隱形殺手
According to Paul Schrodt, professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University, in the US, engaging in the silent treatment can kill romance.
在美國德克薩斯____大學從事溝通研究的保羅•施羅特認爲，沉默對待將使感情消磨殆盡。
Schrodt is the head of a meta-analysis of 74 studies including more than 14,000 participants. The study found the demand-withdraw pattern to be one of the most damaging types of relationship conflict and one of the hardest patterns to break.
施羅特領導的一項對14000多名參與者、涉及74個研究的元分析顯示，要求/退縮模式是傷害最大的感情衝突之一，也是最難打破僵局的衝突之一。
“Partners get locked in this pattern largely because they each see the other as the cause,” Schrodt was quoted as saying in . “Both partners see the other as the problem.”
正如施羅特在每日科學網站所言，“這種模式下，衝突雙方很容易陷入僵局，因爲他們都覺得是對方引起了事端，認爲問題出在對方身上。”
To break the vicious cycle, Schrodt says each partner has to become aware that they are engaging in the silent treatment. They need to know their role in it and the other partner’s point of view. The person making demands usually feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask, “Why am I behaving this way? How does my behavior make my partner feel?”
他說，要想打破這種惡性循環，衝突雙方必須意識到自己正處在“沉默對待”之中。他們應知自己所扮演的角色和對方的想法。提要求的一方總有被拋棄之感，而沉默的一方則覺得一直在自我保護。他們雙方都應問問自己：“我爲何會如此表現?我的行爲又會讓對方有何感受?”
Opening up
打破僵局
Schrodt suggests talking with your partner about the demand-withdraw pattern and your own part in it. Then trying to stop yourself next time you start to engage in it.
施羅特的建議是：與對方談談“要求/退縮模式”，以及你在其中扮演的角色，並在下一次陷入此種模式之前，及時懸崖勒馬。
A Wall Street Journal column talked to other experts about how to break the silent treatment cycle.
在《華爾街日報》的一篇專欄文章中，其他專家就打破“沉默對待”模式也提出了自己的建議。
Diana Weiss-Wisdom, a psychologist based in California, advises that partners take a break.
美國加利福尼亞州的心理學家戴安娜•維斯•威茲德姆建議衝突雙方應先冷靜一下。
“People have to be calm enough to listen to each other,” she says: “Cool your jets, and come back together at a specified time to talk about the feelings underlying the conflict before you try to solve anything.”
她說：“人們只有在冷靜之時才能聽進對方所說，所以，先冷靜下，選個具體的時間點先一起說說衝突時的感受，再試着解決問題。”
If your demands and requests are being ignored, you’ll need to give your partner space. Try to engage his or her empathy. “The only way to do this is to use the word ‘I’,” says Fran Walfish, another Californian psychotherapist. Say: “This is how I feel when you pull away.” But be careful to avoid labels such as “selfish”, “rude” and “uncaring”.
同樣來自加州的心理學家弗蘭•沃爾費什則建議：如果你的要求總是被忽視，那麼你需要給對方一些空間，試着引起他/她的同情。而這樣做的唯一方法就是用“我”打頭的句子，對他/她說，“我被你決絕時就是這樣的感受”。但是，要慎用一些標籤性的詞語，比如“自私、粗魯、漠不關心”等。
If you are the one who withdraws, acknowledge your need to pull away, and tell your partner that you need space. “At least the other person won’t feel shut out,” says Warren Kennaugh, a behavioral scientist based in Sydney, Australia. “It’s the non-explanation that drives them to a high level of discomfort.” Try to approach your partner more. “Be courageous about how you feel,” Kennaugh says.
來自悉尼的行爲學家沃倫•肯諾的建議是：如果你是退縮的一方，那麼你需要承認自己在逃避，同時告訴對方你需要空間。至少讓對方不再感到被拒絕，因爲不解釋往往會讓對方更難過。試着接近對方，勇敢地告訴他/她你的感受。”
