應對矛盾的6大技巧
When you’re a nice person, conflict can be a real challenge. Not that mean people are any better at conflict; they just enjoy it more.
如果你一直待人友好，那麼當你遇到矛盾的時候，確實是一個很大的挑戰。這不意味着刻薄的人們更能應對矛盾的發生，只是因爲他們更樂在其中。
How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect, and connection you have with your colleagues.
你處理矛盾的方式就決定了你與你同事之間的信任、尊重以及聯繫程度。
Conflict typically boils down to moments when the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions differ. And you cannot master these moments without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ).
一般來說矛盾產生於事情嚴重性大、情緒緊張以及觀點不一致的時候，若你沒有高水平的情商就很難處理這些情況。
With a mastery of conflict being so critical to your success, it’s no wonder that, among the million-plus people that Talent Smart has given an emotional intelligence test, more than 90% of top performers have high EQs.
既然處理矛盾的能力對個人成功是如此至關重要的，那麼也難怪，在超過百萬人蔘與的，由Talent Smart公司開展的一項情商測試顯示，超過百分之九十的頂尖表現者都有着高水平的情商。
New research from Columbia University shows that how you handle conflict can make or break your career. The researchers measured something scientifically that many of us have seen firsthand—people who are too aggressive in conflict situations harm their performance by upsetting and alienating their peers, while people who are too passive at handling conflict hinder their ability to reach their goals.
來自哥倫比亞大學的最新研究發現，一個人處理矛盾的方式將會成就或損害個人的事業。研究人員們利用科學方法測量了某些我們可能曾經親眼看見的東西——在矛盾出現的時候，那些過於好鬥的人們將會因其打擊和離間同伴的行爲損害自己的工作表現，而那些過於被動的人們則會阻礙他們達到目標的能力。
The secret to effective handling of conflict is assertiveness—that delicate place where you get your needs met without bullying the other person into submission. Assertive people strike a careful balance between passivity and aggression (that is, they never lean too far in either direction).
有效處理矛盾的祕訣就是果斷——既能達到目的又不會逼迫他人屈服的微妙之處。果斷的人能夠在被動和好鬥之間找到最精確的平衡點（也就是，他們絕不會太偏向任何一方）。
How To Handle Conflict Assertively 如何果斷自信地應對矛盾
It’s easy to think that nice people are too passive. While that’s often true, unchecked passivity can boil over into aggression. So there are plenty of very nice people out there who have exhibited both extremes of the assertiveness spectrum.
不難想象，友好的人都總是太被動。雖然這種情況通常是真的，不過未受限制的被動也有可能演變成好鬥。所以有好多待人友好的人也會展示出果斷度量衡上的兩個極端的性格。
To be assertive, you need to learn to engage in healthy conflict. Healthy conflict directly and constructively addresses the issue at hand without ignoring or trivializing the needs of either party. The strategies that follow will get you there.
爲了變得更堅定而自信，你必須學會參與到健康的矛盾當中。健康的矛盾處理並有建設性地突出當前的問題，既不會忽略或降低某一方需求的重要性。以下的策略能夠幫助你達到這個境界。
1. Consider the repercussions of silence. 1. 想想沉默不語的影響。
Sometimes it’s hard to muster the motivation to speak up when the likelihood is high that things will turn ugly. The fastest way to motivate yourself to act is to fully consider the costs of not speaking up—they’re typically far greater than not standing up for yourself. The trick is that you need to shift your attention away from the headache that will come with getting involved to all of the things you stand to gain from your assertiveness.
有時候，我們很難在事情可能變得更糟的時候集中情緒大聲說出來。激勵自己行動的最快捷方式就是充分考慮不大聲說出來的代價——通常來說遠比不爲自己發聲更大。技巧在於你需要把自己的注意力轉移過來，從可能會陷入所有事情帶來的頭疼轉移到站起來因果斷髮聲的收穫。
2. Say “and” instead of “but.” 2.說“以及”而不是“但是”。
The simple act of replacing the word “but” with “and” makes conflict much more constructive and collaborative. Say, for example, that your teammate John wants to use the majority of your budget on a marketing campaign, but you’re worried that doing so won’t leave enough money for a critical new hire. Instead of saying, “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, but I think we need to make a new hire,” say “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, and I think we need to make a new hire.” The difference is subtle, but the first sentence minimizes the value of his idea. The second sentence states the problem as you see it, without devaluing his idea, which then opens things up for discussion. Saying “and” makes the other party feel like you’re working with them, rather than against them.
簡單地把“但是”換爲“以及”將會使得矛盾變得有建設性、有合作性多了。比如，你的團隊同事John想要使用你的大部分預算來參與一場營銷戰爭，但是你擔心這麼做就不能留下足夠的資金來招聘一位重要的新員工了。與其說“我瞭解你想要利用這筆資金進行推廣，但是我想我們需要招聘一位新人，”而應該說“我瞭解你想要利用這筆資金進行推廣，並且我覺得我們需要招聘一位新人”。這兩句話的差別雖然很微小，但是第一句把他本人的想法的重要性降低了。第二句話陳述問題的形式就像你所看到的，沒有降低了他的想法的重要性，也爲後續的討論打開的通道。說“以及”能夠讓對方感到你正在與他/她合作，而不是搞對抗。
3. Use hypotheticals. 3. 使用假設性說法。
When you assert yourself, you don’t want it to look like you’re poking holes in their idea (even when you are). Hypotheticals are the perfect way to pull this off. Telling someone, for example, “Your new product idea won’t work because you overlooked how the sales team operates” comes across much more aggressively than suggesting the hypothetical, “How do you think our sales team will go about selling this new product?” When you see a flaw and present a hypothetical, you’re engaging with the original idea and giving the other party a chance to explain how it might work. This shows that you’re willing to hear the other person out.
當你爲自己堅定發聲，你不希望看起來在挑別人的刺（即使你真的是這樣的時候）。使用假設性的說法就能完美地避免這個雷區了。比如說，你告訴某人“你的新產品概念行不通因爲你忽略了銷售隊伍的運營方式”這樣只會讓人感到非常挑釁，倒不如假設“你認爲如果我們採取了這種方式銷售新產品，我們的銷售團隊的適應性如何？”當你發現了一個缺點，並且提出一個假設，你就在參與到最初的概念當作並且爲對方提供一個解釋新點子運作的機會。這樣顯示出你很願意聽取別人的意見。
4. Don’t speak in absolutes (“You Always” or “You Never”). 4. 語氣切忌過於絕對（“你總是”或“你永遠都不”）。
No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. Using these phrases during conflict makes people defensive and closed off to your message. Instead, point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.”
沒有人總會或總不會做某種事情。沒有人會覺得自己是膚淺的人，所以你不要試圖給對方下這麼一個標籤。在發生矛盾的時候使用這樣的詞彙只會引起人們的防備心並且拒絕接收你的信息。與其指出對方使你不爽的地方，倒不如用事實說法。如果這種行爲常常出現，使你困惑，你可以這麼說“似乎你常常這麼做。”或“你做這件事的頻率太高了，連我都注意到了。”
5. Ask good questions until you get to the heart of the matter. 5. 學會提問，直達問題的核心。
Failing to understand the motive behind someone’s behavior throws fuel on the fire of conflict, because it makes everything they do appear foolish and shortsighted. Instead of pointing out flaws, you should seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Try asking good questions, such as Why did you choose to do it that way? What do you mean by that? and Can you help me to understand this better? Even when you don’t see eye to eye, using questions to get to the underlying motive builds trust and understanding, both of which are conflict killers.
無法理解某人行爲背後的動機則會給矛盾火上加油，因爲這樣使得對方做的任何事情看起來愚蠢不堪，目光短淺。與其指出對方的缺點，你應該嘗試理解對方的出發點。嘗試提問不容易回答的問題，比如“你爲什麼會選擇這個方法？”“你這麼做的出發點是什麼？”以及“你能不能跟我解釋一下這個方法？”即使你們無法意見一直，也可以利用問題直達隱藏的動機，建立起信任與理解，這兩種都能化解矛盾。
6. When you challenge, offer solutions. 6. 當你提出質疑的時候，請提供解決方案。
People don’t like it when they feel as if you’re attempting to take apart their idea right off the bat. When you challenge someone’s idea, but also offer a solution, you demonstrate that you want to work together to come up with a fix. This reinforces the value of their idea, even if it’s full of holes. For example, you might say “One potential problem that I see with your idea is ___. However, I think we can overcome this problem if we can just figure out a way to___.” In this example, you aren’t even providing the solution. You’re just acknowledging that you’re willing to work together to find one.
人們都不喜歡那種你想要把他們的點子馬上捏碎的感覺。如果你對某人的點子存在質疑，請記得同時提供一個解決方案，你要表明自己希望跟對方一起尋找解決方法。這樣能夠增強對方點子的價值，即使點子滿是漏洞。比如，你可以這麼說“對於你的點子，我發現了一個潛在的問題，那就是——，然而，我想我們可以解決它，如果我們能夠想到一個——的方法。”在這個例子裏，你甚至並不是提供解決的方法，你在承認着你很願意跟別人共同努力尋找解決方法的意願。
Bringing It All Together 綜上所述
Mastering conflict requires emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent people know how to craft their message in a conflict, whether they’re naturally assertive or not. They take other people’s feelings into account while still asserting themselves confidently.
處理矛盾需要情緒智商。高情商的人知道如何在矛盾之中傳遞自己的信息，無論他們本人是否性格果斷。他們會考慮別人的感受，同時也能自信地爲自己發聲。
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