如何結束/開始一段友情

How to End a Friendship (and How to Start One)

如何結束/開始一段友情

We're tackling tough friendship scenarios this week with psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, who explains why it's so hard to navigate the norms of friendship and how to peacefully end those connections that are no longer working. Beyond researching the science of friendship for almost a decade, Dr. Kirmayer also writes a column for Psychology Today called "Casual to Close," and is consulted frequently for such publications as The New York Times, The Atlantic, Forbes and Time magazine.

本週，我們請到了心理學家米利安·基爾邁爾（Miriam Kirmayer）和我們談論友情這一話題，她向我們解釋了友情規則難以遵循的原因，以及如何和平地終止一段無法維繫的友誼。基爾邁爾博士對友誼的研究已有十年之久，她還爲《今日心理學》雜誌撰寫了一篇名爲《隨意結束》的專欄文章。此外，《紐約時報》《大西洋》《福布斯》和《時代》雜誌等出版物也經常就友誼方面的話題向基爾邁爾博士諮詢。

After giving advice on how to end a friendship, Dr. Kirmayer then answers listener and reader submitted friendship questions, which span everything from how to deal with a friend's terrible spouse, to how to make friends as an adult.

在給出如何結束一段友情的建議後，基爾邁爾博士又回答了聽衆關於友誼的其它問題，包括朋友向你吐槽另一半時該如何迴應，以及成年人應該如何交朋友。

One of the things that makes our friendships so powerful and important is the fact that they're voluntary. So unlike our relationships with our partners or our family members, where there is the expectation that to some extent we have to stay involved in each other's lives, we don't see that same expectation when it comes to our friendships. And so what that means is that friends do have to choose on an ongoing daily basis to remain involved in each other's lives and to stay connected in that way. And that's why we can feel so close to friends. But it’s also why when they come to an end ... [it] can be so devastating and really, really hurtful.

友情之所以強大和重要，是因爲這一切都是建立在自願的基礎之上。所以與戀情以及親情不同（這兩種感情都或多或少的希望我們能參與到彼此的生活中），友情並不會有同樣的期待。這意味着朋友的確需要每天都進行選擇，參與彼此的生活以保持聯繫，所以，我們才覺得朋友知我心。但這也是友情結束時，我們備受打擊和感到痛苦的原因。

My first piece of advice for any situation where we're feeling like our friends aren't respecting our needs is to question: Have you said something? So often when we communicate about difficult situations, we're very quick to just throw it out there and expect that the people closest to us understand the reasoning behind why it's hurtful. But giving them a little bit of a glimpse into why this is painful can help people to perspective-take. So I would encourage people to kind of ask their friends, "What's going on?" Share why it's important and also potentially share a few solutions yourselves

當你覺得朋友不再尊重你的需求時，我建議你先問問自己：你是不是說錯了什麼？很多時候，我們都會聊一些困境，我們會快速地拋出問題，期待摯友能讀懂我們，瞭解我們內心的心酸。但給他們一點提示，告訴他們如此痛苦的原因其實更容易引導他們換位思考。所以我鼓勵人們這樣問自己的好朋友，“發生什麼事啦？”你需要說出這件事情重要的原因，並潛在地分享一些解決方案。