英語幽默笑話大全

　　Good News And Bad News(英漢對照)

　　"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.

"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"

"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."

"And the bad news?"

"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."

好消息和壞消息

“有好消息，也有壞消息，”離婚律師告訴他的當事人。

“我總能利用一些好消息吧，”當事人吧了口氣說，“是什麼好消息?”

“你妻子沒有要求將你未來的繼承財產也劃入裁決的範圍。”

“那麼壞消息呢?”

“離婚以後，她將與你父親結婚。”

　　Double Entendre at Play(英漢對照)

"Madam," said the irate conductor to a totally incompetent woman cellist during rehearsal, "you have between your legs an instrument that could give pleasure to thousands…and all you seem able to do is scratch it."

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his pale lips moved. "Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake.

"It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

一個妻子的臨終懺悔

臨終的Becky躺在牀上，他的丈夫Jake守在她的旁邊，握着她冰涼的手，淚流滿面。

她蒼白的嘴脣翕動着，“Jake,”她說。

“安靜，”他快速地打斷她,“別說話。”

但是她堅持，“Jake,”她用疲憊的聲音說，“我不能不說話。我必須懺悔。”

“沒有什麼可懺悔的。”痛苦的Jake說。

“沒關係。一切都很好。”

不，不。我必須在平靜中死去。我必須懺悔，Jack,那就是我一直對你不忠。”

Jack撫摸着她的手說。“現在，Becky,別擔心。我已經知道一切了。”他嗚咽着，“要不我幹嘛毒死你。”

　　An Old Couple's Quarrel(英漢對照)

A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willing," said the other.

"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be there."

"And I'll law the hell!"

"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.

老夫妻吵架

一對性情乖僻的老夫妻發生了爭吵，一直鬧到地方法官那裏。敗訴的一方以一種臨戰的姿態衝着對方嚷道：“我要到巡回法庭去告你。”

“願意奉陪。”另一個說。

“我要到最高法院去告你。”

“我也陪你。”

“我還要到地獄去告你。”

“我的代理人會奉陪的。”對方平靜的說。

　　Camera(英漢對照)

On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sal asked the owner, "Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?"

"Look, fella," replied the owner, "I don't care what you do with it after you buy it."

照 相 機

在前往威蒙特參加一個婚禮的路上，我和丈夫意識到我們忘了帶照相機。我們在一家百貨商店門前停了下來，希望能夠買到一種便宜的，一次性照相機。薩爾問店主：“你們有那種用了就扔的照相機嗎?”

“我說，小夥子，”店主回答說，“我可不管你買了之後怎麼處理它。”

　　Keep the Change(英漢對照)

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.

零錢不用找了

在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時，我與一名準備買東西的顧客發生了一場爭論。他對購買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說它要三十五美分開價過高。其它的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。

我指出這本書保存狀況頗好，納什是個有趣的詩人，這個要價是合理的。他說這是個原則問題。最終，我同意以十五美分的價格將這本書賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付帳。“零錢不用找了。”他說。