《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 60 (134):離婚高峯會談

What I had wanted for so long was to have an actual conversation with my ex-husband, but this was obviously never going to happen. What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had oc-curred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce. But months of counseling and mediation had only made us more divided and locked our positions solid, turning us into two people who were absolutely incapable of giving each other any release. Yet it's what we both needed, I was sure of it. And I was sure of this, too—that the rules of transcendence insist that you will not advance even one inch closer to divinity as long as you cling to even one last seductive thread of blame. As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff of it is bad for you. I mean, what kind of prayer is this to im-bibe—"Give us this day our daily grudge"? You might just as well hang it up and kiss God good-bye if you really need to keep blaming somebody else for your own life's limitations. So what I asked of God that night on the Ashram roof was—given the reality that I would probably never speak to my ex-husband again—might there be some level upon which we could communicate? Some level on which we could forgive?

很長一段時間以來，我一直想跟前夫進行實際的對話，但這顯然永遠不會發生。我渴望一種決心，一場和平高峯會，能讓我們達成某種共識，瞭解我們的婚姻出了什麼問題，對醜陋的離婚達成某種相互寬容。然而數個月的諮詢與調解，只是讓我們更加分歧，堅守各自的立場，讓我們變成完全無法給對方解脫的兩個人。然而我們兩人都需要解脫，我很確定。而我也很確定——超越自我的法則，要求你切勿緊抓着最後一絲誘人的指責，否則你根本不能接近神。正如抽菸有害於肺，怨恨亦有害於靈魂，即使抽一口都對你有害。我是說，誰能接受這樣的禱詞——“請允許我們今天發發每日的牢騷”？如果你果真需要不斷指責他人讓你的人生受限，那麼索性別再妄想，跟神道別吧。因此我當晚在道場屋頂上懇求神——若考慮到我可能永遠沒機會再和前夫說話——能不能讓我們在某種層次上溝通？某種能讓我們寬恕的層次？

I lay up there, high above the world, and I was all alone. I dropped into meditation and waited to be told what to do. I don't know how many minutes or hours passed before I knew what to do. I realized I'd been thinking about all this too literally. I'd been wanting to talk to my ex-husband? So talk to him. Talk to him right now. I'd been waiting to be Offered forgiveness? Offer it up personally, then. Right now. I thought of how many people go to their graves unforgiven and unforgiving. I thought of how many people have had siblings or friends or children or lovers disappear from their lives before precious words of clemency or absolution could be passed along. How do the survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished business? From that place of meditation, I found the answer—you can finish the business yourself, from within yourself. It's not only possible, it's essential.

我高躺在世界之上，孤身一人。我陷入冥想，等着聽命該怎麼做。我不知道在我得知該怎麼做之前過了幾分鐘、幾個小時。我意識到自己把這一切想得太認真了。我當真想和我的前夫說話嗎？那就跟他——“說”吧。趁現在跟他說吧。我一直在等他原諒？那就親自提出來吧。此時此刻。我想到多少人進棺材的時候未被寬恕或未寬恕他人。我想起多少人還沒來得及表達寬恕或赦免，便失去自己的兄弟姐妹、朋友、孩子或愛人。關係終止後的倖存者，如何忍受事情尚未解決的痛苦？我從這禪坐地點找到答案——你可以自己解決，從你自己身上。這不僅有可能做到，也是當務之急。

And then, to my surprise, still in meditation, I did an odd thing. I invited my ex-husband to please join me up here on this rooftop in India. I asked him if he would be kind enough to meet me up here for this farewell event. Then I waited until I felt him arrive. And he did arrive. His presence was suddenly absolute and tangible. I could practically smell him.

而後，使我吃驚的是，就在禪坐之際，我做了件奇怪的事。我邀請前夫和我一起來到印度的這個屋頂。我請他屈駕來這兒和我碰面，參加這場離別晚會。然後我等待自己覺得他到來的時間。他來了。他突然絕對而明確地出現，我幾乎聞得到他。

I said, "Hi, sweetie."

我說：“嗨，親愛的。”