"業餘"古董玩兒主 Dear Old Things

It is a tiresome habit of many antique dealers to mark their prices in times it is a straightforward substitution of letters for numerals, so that A equals 1, D equals 4, and so often, the letters are given complicated values that make no sense at all to anyone other than the dealer, and so we find that our chest of drawers is clearly marked“XPT.”What does that mean? Would he accept XOS in cash for a quick sale?

許多古董商有個討厭的習慣，喜歡用代碼來標價。有時是直接以字母替代數字，如A代表1，D代表4，以此類推。更常見的情況是，字母代表的意思曲裏拐彎，複雜極了，除了古董商以外，沒有人能弄明白。所以，我們纔會發現我們看中的五斗櫃上，清清楚楚地標了個“XPT”。那是什麼意思啊?如果現金結賬，迅速成交，他能接受“XOS”嗎?

Why can’t the rascal mark his prices in dollars and cents like they do at Bloomingdale’s? What is he playing at?The game is called“matching the price to the customer.”

這無賴難道不能像曼哈頓的布魯明黛爾百貨公司那樣，用元、角、分來標價嗎?他到底玩的是什麼把戲呢?這遊戲叫做“看人出價”。

While you have been looking at the chest of drawers, the dealer has been looking at you, and you’re both considering the same question—how much?—from different points of nding on how you’re dressed, how interested you seem to be in buying, and how interested he is in selling, the price might fluctuate significantly.

就在你仔細端詳那隻五斗櫃時，古董商也在上上下下打量你，而你們倆都在心裏盤算同一個問題——多少錢?只是看法、角度各異罷了。憑你的穿着、你購買慾望的大小、你出手興趣的高低，價格可以上下大幅波動。

But you’re not to know is one of the dealer’s little ’t let it worry you, because you can play the game, the man over, and get a price from ever figure he mentions, brush it , no, you me the trade price.(Normally, quite a lot less.)

但你是不會知曉箇中玄機的，這是古董商的一個小祕密。你不用爲此煩心，因爲你同樣可以玩這套把戲。你只管把那男子叫過來，問他價錢。無論他報什麼價，都把它晾在一邊。不對，不對，你也可以說，給我個行價吧（通常價格會少很多）。

The dealer will look at you through narrowed you really another dealer, or just a robber in a well-cut suit?

那古董商會眯起眼來打量你。難道你也是個古董商?

You give him a business card and show him your checkbook, and there it is, printed proof: COOPER ANTIQUES, PERIOD FURNITURE, VIEWING BY APPOINTMENT ONLY.

或只是一個衣冠楚楚的強盜?你遞給他一張名片。再給他看你的支票簿，上面清清楚楚地印着幾行字：“庫珀古玩店，老式傢俱，只限預約看貨”。

I know a man who has been doing this for years, and he has now completely refurnished his house at special trade prices, even though he’s no more a dealer than my butcher’s dog is.

我認識一個人，他這麼做已經有好多年了。雖然他和那個肉販子養的狗一樣，和古董商一點關係都沒有，但到現在，他已經靠如此這般的特惠價，把整個家又重新裝潢了一遍。

When I asked him if he thought that this was the kind of sharp practice that an unsporting judge might describe as fraudulent misrepresentation, he just ’t I know?

有次我問他，用這種不正當的手段找便宜，若碰上個正經八百、光明正大的法官，會不會判你個招搖撞騙罪呢?

Most antiques bounce back and forth between dealers for years before they find places in private he was doing, in his own small way, was helping to speed up the turnover of stock, giving the dealers the money to go out and buy more antiques from other dealers.

他只是咧嘴笑了一笑。難道我會不知道嗎?大部分的古董要在各家古董商之間來回倒騰好幾年，纔會找到一戶人家好生安頓下來的。他利用這套小把戲所做的一切，無非是了幫助古董商加快存貨週轉的速度，好讓他們騰出更多的資金，到外面向別的商家買進更多的古董。

The way he saw it, he was doing the entire business a service. Even if you’re not prepared to disguise yourself as a gentleman dealer, you must still resist the impulse to pay the asking price.

照他的說法，他這是在造福整個古董業。即使你並無打算把自己假扮成一個紳士派頭十足的古董商，你仍然要抑制住內心的衝動，千萬不可乖乖地按對方的出價付錢，一定要還價。

Make an offer, but not before making a few disparaging remarks about rickety legs, dents, scars, and interesting blemishes that have accrued with the passage of dealer expects it.

但還價前，你一定要對想買的東西貶損一番，比如說，腳站不穩啦，有凹痕，還有刮傷，以及一些因歲月流轉而自然產生的斑駁陸離的缺陷。

In fact, he might be hurt if you didn’t point them out, because he may have spent several days in his workshop putting them on.

實際上，古董商正等着你這樣做呢。你如果挑不出毛病來，他可能還覺得自尊心受到了傷害。

The process of aging an object or a piece of furniture overnight—or“distressing”it—is an Art in itself, and it is miraculous what a talented distresser can do with rusty nails and pumice stone and a mixture of soot and bees-wax.

因爲，那些所謂的缺陷搞不好是他花了好幾天的時間，纔在作坊裏製造出來的呢。一晚上便讓一樣東西或是一件傢俱衰老上幾十年、甚至幾百年——姑且稱之爲“折磨”吧，它本身也是一種藝術。

More miraculous still is how three-legged chairs can suddenly sprout a fourth leg, marquetry with a bad case of acne can regain a smooth complexion, and tables originally constructed for midgets can grow to adult height.

正是這些行刑的天才靠着生鏽的鐵釘、粗糲的浮石，加上煤灰與蜜蠟的混合物，創造了種種神奇。還有更神奇的呢，原來三隻腳的椅子會突然長出第四隻腳；原來滿是青春痘的鑲嵌工藝，會重現光滑的面容；原來給侏儒做的矮桌子，會一下子躥到普通成人的高度。

Inevitably, some killjoy will try to belittle these marvels of inventive all have at least one acquaintance who is a self-appointed expert and whose mission in life is to tell you that you have bought a ing his head at your foolishness, he will point out in great detail what you were too dumb to see for ’s not a bad piece, he’ll say, but you could hardly call it a genuine what the it matter?

當然，你不免會碰到個把煞風景的傢伙，總想貶低這些變造復古的創舉。我們至少認識一個這樣的人。他自封爲內行。他畢生的使命就是要告訴你，你買到的全是假貨。他一邊晃着腦袋說你笨，一邊事無鉅細、不厭其煩地向你指出，你怎麼笨到連這一處都沒看出來呀。他會說，這物件雖然算不上糟糕，但你不能說它是真古董。但那又有什麼關係嗎?

If the piece pleases you, if the faking has been done well, who cares? You bought it to live with, not to sell.

如果你喜歡這東西，又假得高明，幾可亂真，誰管它是真、還是假?

The antique know-it-all is a pest who should be locked up in the bowels of the Metropolitan Museum to study pre-Columbian bidets. Occasionally the situation will be reversed and a genuine piece will be treated with as little respect as would a sheet of plywood.I was once in a Manhattan antique shop when a decorator came in with his client.

更何況你買它是爲了在生活裏用的，又不是爲了去賣。其實，這些無所不知的古董專家都是公害，應該關進大都會博物館的最裏面，讓他們去研究前哥倫布時期的澡盆。偶爾也有乾坤顛倒的情況。一件真品被當作了一張膠合板似的東西而得不到應有的尊重。我有一次在曼哈頓的古董店，碰見了一位室內裝飾設計師，帶着他的客戶來到店中。

(I knew he was a decorator by the effortless way in which he spent thousands of dollars in the first ten minutes.)

（我看得出來他是室內設計師。因爲一進門，他就在10分鐘之內輕鬆花掉了好幾千美金。）

He paused in front of a magnificent fifteenth-century oak dining table— absolutely authentic, in wonderful condition, a piece of great rarity.

在一張外表華麗的15世紀橡木餐桌（絕對是真品）前面，他停了下來。桌子保存情況也非常好，可算是一件稀世珍寶。

He heard the price without flinching.“We’ll take it,”he said,“but you’ll have to cut two feet off the end so that it will fit in the breakfast alcove.”

他聽了價錢後，顯出一副毫不畏縮的樣子，說：“我們要買它，但你必須鋸掉它的兩隻腳，這樣它才能被塞進壁龕裏當早餐桌用。”

The dealer was in shock.I don’t like to see a man wrestle with his conscience, so I didn’t wait to see whether he sold the table or whether his principles got the better of him.

古董商大吃一驚。我不願看到一個人良心掙扎的樣子。所以，我沒有留下來看他是賣掉了桌子呢，還是他的原則佔了上風。我喜歡古董能爲人所用，而不是當神供起來。

Personally, I like antiques to be used rather than worshiped, but I did wonder how the table’s maker would have felt about his work being chopped up and put in a breakfast the years I have been attracted to a wide variety of antiques, an admirer of all and an expert on none.

但我的確還是想知道，造這張桌子的匠人，若是知道他的作品被截肢，並被塞進某個角落裏當了餐桌，他不知該作何感想啊。多年來，我感興趣的古董種類繁多。我是什麼都愛，但什麼都不精。

I have liked Chippendale chairs, Chinese porcelain, kitchen artifacts, Lalique glass, Georgian commodes—just about everything except art, which is a separate and overpriced world of its rtunately for my aspirations as a collector, I have realized that nature did not equip me for the task.

我曾喜歡過18世紀英國齊本德爾式的椅子，中國的瓷器，廚房用品，雕花玻璃和喬治王時代的櫥櫃——除了藝術作品以外，幾乎無所不愛。因爲這藝術作品自成一個單獨的、定價過高的領域。雖然我渴望成爲一名收藏家，但不幸的是，我發現上蒼並沒有賦予我應有的天資。我忍受不了生活裏有什麼東西，讓我在經過時不得不躡手躡腳地繞過去，甚至不敢碰它一下。

I can’t stand living with objects that I have to tiptoe around and hardly dare to touch.I like to be able to sit on chairs, eat at tables, drink from glasses, and collapse onto beds without feeling that I am committing sacrilege or risking breakage and financial ruin.

我喜歡椅子就是給人坐的，桌子就是用來在上面吃東西的，玻璃杯就是可以拿來喝水的，牀就是可以往上面砰然倒下的，而無需覺得我是在褻瀆寶物，或是冒東西被毀甚至破產的風險。

I now live with furniture and objects that are either virtually indestructible or easily replaceable.

現在我生活裏用的傢俱和物品，要麼是壞不了的，要麼很容易找到替代品。

Old, perhaps, but sturdy.I avoid there is something else that I avoid and that, if you are only a moderately rich millionaire, you should avoid, too: the chic auction.

或許它們很老，但很堅固。我對脆弱可是敬而遠之的。另外還有一件事，我也是敬而遠之的。而且，你如果只是箇中不溜秋的百萬富翁，那你更該對它敬而遠之：那就是時髦的拍賣會。

The people who go to the big salesrooms, glossy brochures tucked under mink-clad arms, are not like you and me.

那些身着貂皮大衣，手臂下夾着精裝目錄走進大拍賣場的人，絕非不入流的、你我可與攀比之輩。

They might be upper-crust dealers, professional bidders for foundations, or just grade-A plutocrats, but they have one thing in common: they are when loaded people get together in the overcranked atmosphere of competitive bidding, prices disappear upward within seconds.

他們可能是上流的古董商，也可能是代表基金會的職業投標人，要不就是頂級的富豪，他們共有一個特點：富得流油。一羣極其富有的人在一起扎堆，在競買火暴的氣氛裏，不出幾秒鐘就能把價格哄擡到九霄雲外。

If you should decide, out of curiosity, to be a spectator at one of these million-dollar orgies, the golden rule is to sit on your hands.

假如你出於好奇，決定當一回看客，出席這種一擲千金、面不改色的狂歡會，那你就應該遵守一條金科玉律：把手擱在屁股底下。

One absentminded scratch of your ear might catch the auctioneer’s eye and you could find yourself with a twelfth-century bleeding cup and a bill the size of a mortgage.

也許你的一個不經意的動作，只是抓了一下耳朵，可能就會被眼尖的拍賣師逮個正着。然後，你就會發現有一個12世紀的滴血杯和一張數額大如抵押貸款的賬單，擺在了你的面前。

You’re safer with Art Nouveau coatracks.

看來，還是買那種新藝術風格的衣帽架更保險些。