揭穿:大家想做卻不說的7件事大綱

1. “What if I just got naked and started screaming at people?”

1、“如果我全身脫光並對人們大聲尖叫，結果會如何？”

Although the details always change slightly, there is undeniably this incredibly weird little voice which lives inside each of us, coming out always in the most professional/formal/inappropriate moments, and longs only to see everything be ruined. Who hasn’t been sitting in a business meeting or particularly boring lecture and become overwhelmed with the desire to do something absolutely insane, such as light your neighbor’s beard on fire, or flash your genitals and wave them around a bit, or scream “penis” at the top of your lungs? There is just something almost… itchy about being in reserved, organized, quiet social situations which brings out the disgusting animal in each of us who wants chaos and loud noises and life-ruining behavior. I suppose we now have to work on channeling our inner Steve-O into a little voice which wants us to clean our shower, or file our taxes, or call our grandmother. At least put all that impulsiveness into positive behavior.

儘管在細節上會有輕微的不同，但是無可否認的是這種難以置信的怪異小心聲卻存在於我們每個人心裏，通常在最爲專業、最爲正式或最不恰當的時刻浮現，無非是爲了看到一切都被搞砸。誰沒有在商務會談或特別乏味的演講時，被某種絕對瘋狂的念頭所征服，比如把鄰居的鬍子點着火，或者展示生殖器並四處甩動一會兒，或者用盡全力喊“雞巴”？總有一種可以稱爲……衝動的東西，讓我們在保守的、組織化的、平靜的社會狀態下放出置身於我們每人心中的野獸，我們希望混亂、噪聲和生命毀滅的行爲。我認爲我們現在必須將內心的史蒂芬·格里斯特·格羅佛（一著名小丑演員，譯註）調成另外的小心思，比如清潔浴池、清理稅務、打電話給祖母之類。至少，將所有那些衝動轉向積極的行爲。

2. “I want to punch that baby.”

2、“我想揍那個小嬰兒。”

When it’s just screaming endlessly, and no one’s doing anything about it, and you’re just trying to enjoy your meal, and you know that your rage would be much better directed to the spineless parent who is allowing this to carry on, but you just can’t even think about them with the screaming in your ear — sometimes you just want to punch the baby. It is ruining your day, and being such an asshole, and even if you spend 99 percent of your time being a Mary Poppins figure who hands out dandelions to round-cheeked toddlers and whistling showtunes, you are not immune to the baby-punching. Just one swift uppercut to the face and they’d be quiet for a while, and you could finish your meal in peace. We are all terrible.

如果他不停歇地尖叫人們卻無動於衷，而你就等着享用飯菜，你也知道你的憤怒最好是向讓這一切發生的懦弱父母發泄，但是，你卻沒有考慮過他們，而是在你的耳朵裏面尖叫——有時你只想打這個小孩一拳。這將毀掉你的生活，並會如此糟糕，即使你花費99%的時間去扮演《歡樂滿人間》的角色，向圓臉龐的嬰兒撒出蒲公英，吹着金曲，你還是想着拳擊小孩。只需要向臉上來上一記上勾拳，他們就會安靜一會兒，你就可以平靜地吃完飯。我們都挺壞的。

3. “Does this person make more money than me?”

3、“這個人比我掙錢多？”

How much are your coworkers making? How about your friends? Your frenemies? Your cousins? Where are they geting that nice new blazer, and those fancy throw pillows? What kind of money are they making? They should be paying for my drinks with all this money they’re throwing around. If you could just get, like, an estimate within a 5,000-dollar range, that would be perfect. Just enough to know that you shouldn’t be seething with jealousy.

你的同事掙多少錢？朋友呢？競爭性夥伴呢？堂兄弟姐妹呢？他們在哪裏買到的新法蘭絨衣服，還有那些奇妙的抱枕？他們掙的是什麼錢？他們應當用他們甩出來的錢爲我的飲料付帳。如果你能夠掙，比如，估計5000美元之內（可能是說差距吧，譯註），那非常理想。剛好使你不會充滿忌妒。

4. “Am I going to jump right now?”

4、“我現在跳下去嗎?"

Whether standing on a subway platform or on the rooftop of a building which would definitely flatten you immediately if you fell, there is always that terrifying moment of “What if I just tipped right over and ended it all?” You’re not sad, you don’t want to die, and you’re not the kind of person who even goes for an adrenaline rush, and yet — it’s all you can think about it. Even the most even-keeled person is guaranteed to get a rush or two of “Maybe I would just break all the bones in my legs and still make it out okay” when looking over the railings of a long stairwell. It’s human nature, and yet it never gets any less unnerving. Because what are you going to do? You can’t just turn to your friend and be like, “Don’t mind me, I’m just contemplating my mortality for a hot sec. I might jump, but probably won’t. You can have my XBox just in case I do.” I mean, you could, but I would discourage it.

無論是站在你一掉下去就會被拍扁的地鐵站臺還是建築屋頂，總是有那種可怕的時刻，想着”如果我現在跳下，結束這一切會怎麼樣？“你並不悲觀，也不想死，你也不是那種因腎上腺激素上升而行動的人，以及——只是因爲你想那樣。即使是脾氣最好的人，也會有一兩下這種衝動，當我們俯視一個很長的樓梯井的欄杆時，會想”也許我可以折斷腿上所有的骨頭，完成它“。這是人類的天性，而這並不減少緊張。因爲你會做什麼呢？你不會對你的朋友這樣說，”不要管我，我只思索一會兒我的死亡。我可能跳，也可能不跳。如果我萬一跳了，你就拿我的XBOX。”我說，你會，但是我會勸阻你。

5. “People who say ‘I don’t need to drink to have fun’ shouldn’t get invited places.”

5、“說‘我不需要從酒中尋找樂趣’的人不會被邀請。”

I’m sure they are capable of being nice people, but I am not trying to get my buzz ruined by some Polly Party Pooper who just wants to look at me condescendingly while I sip my Mad Dog like a lady and talk about how she’s high on life and doesn’t need to intoxicate herself to see all the ~beauty and joy of being a citizen of this earth~ or whatever New Age smugness she has been smoking these days. We all know that it’s the worst, and yet no one works up the courage when told “I don’t need to drink to have fun” to rip the cork out of a bottle of wine with their teeth and be like “WELL I DO GLUG GLUG GLUG.” Someone should really take one for the team and do it.

我確信他們有資格成爲好人，但是我不會讓這些美女聚會掃興者毀掉興致的，她們在我像一個女士一樣啜一口Mad Dog時，居高臨下地看着我，並談論她的生活品味是如何高雅，不需要喝醉來感受所有的這些——美和身爲地球公民的快樂——或任何新生代的自命不凡，這些天她一直在批評。我們都知道這是最差勁的，而且還沒有人有勇氣在被告知“我不需要從酒中尋找樂趣”時，用牙齒打開瓶塞並說“來來來，喝喝喝。”人們都應該加入團隊做事。

6. “Thinking about [insert couple here] having sex is offensive and nauseating.”

6、“想象[此處添加某某夫婦]性交是冒犯和噁心的。”

It’s not even necessarily that this couple is particularly uggo, although that happens quite often, too. Hell, there are some couples that are not at all your cup of tea physically whom you could still picture slapping away like one of those plastic clappy-hands toys kids use at parties. But there are just certain couples who, for whatever reason, are as asexual as the bodies of Barbie and Ken dolls. The idea of them getting it on is at once impossible to imagine and slightly unsettling to consider. They’re just kind of gross in any sexual context, and you’d rather not see them holding hands, lest your mind wander to where else those hands have explored.

這對夫妻並不一定非常噁心，雖然通常是噁心的。有的夫妻根本就不是你喜歡的類型，你仍然會想像扇開他們，好象分開那些聚會中使用的塑料拍手玩具小孩。但是，也有一些夫妻，不知是什麼原因，就像芭比和肯玩偶一樣，是無性的。他們在一起的念頭是無法想象的，想起來也讓人輕微不安。他們在一個有性的環境下是一種尷尬，而你寧願不要看到他們牽手，免得你的思維飄蕩到另外的那些手已經探索過的地方去。

7. “This child/baby is ugly.”

7、"好醜的小孩/嬰兒。“

I don’t know, man, sometimes a baby is just unattractive. You want to be nice, but you’re just like, “Yikes, 2/10 at best.” And it’s bad enough when it’s just some random baby crossed in the street, but sometimes it’s popping up on your Facebook news feed or coming to family functions and then you have to be repeatedly confronted with its presence and forced to muster up some half-hearted lie about how cute it is. Can we just be honest and be like, “Hey, some babies have great personalities. Yours is one of them.” Please?

我不知道，哥們兒，有時候嬰兒也不可愛。你想是友好的，而你只是像。”呀，20分最多。“在街上隨機遇到的嬰兒的情況已經足夠壞了，但是有時是在Facebook新聞填充欄，或成爲家庭功能狀態，然後你必須經常面對他的存在，你必須擠出一些半心半意的謊言，說好可愛喲。我們能不能誠實點，這樣說，”哧，一些小孩很有個性。你的也是。“拜託。

BY：小牛兒