搞笑版辦公室男士着裝指南

Hot on the heels of the House of Commons’ report on female employee dress codes, I have been shown a copy of Womenco’s recently updated Male Attire Standards document. I hear that Theresa May is thinking of using it as the basis for a Male Attire In Parliament ruling.

英國下議院(House of Commons)關於女性着裝規範的報告剛一出臺，就有人給我看了一個Womenco's(一個職業女性網絡平臺)最新版的男性着裝標準。我聽說特里薩?梅(Theresa May)正考慮將其用作議會男士着裝規定的基礎。

Here are the salient passages:

下面是其中一些重要的段落：

“Nose and eyebrow hair to be kept trimmed at all times using Womenco-approved clippers.

“鼻毛和眉毛隨時都要保持整齊，並使用被Womenco認可的修剪工具。

Sweat marks of any kind will incur a ￡30 on-the-spot fine.

一旦發現任何汗漬，當場罰款30英鎊。

Beards must be professionally trimmed once a week. Any beard wearer suffering from post-meal detritus syndrome will be required to report to the company car wash.

每週都要做一次專業的鬍鬚護理。任何飯後鬍子上還粘着飯粒兒的蓄鬚人士請到公司洗車場簽到。

Those intending to grow stubble must invest in the Womenco-approved, adjustable GorgeousMe-istubble-clippers. Clarissa Bastard’s company standards team may conduct on-the-spot stubble inspection at any time.

誰要想留鬍子就必須購買被Womenco認可的、可調節的帥如我-愛胡茬(GorgeousMe-istubble)剃鬚刀。克拉麗莎?巴斯塔德(Clarissa Bastard)的公司標準執行團隊可能隨時進行現場鬍鬚檢查。

Hair has to be brushed every day. Yes, really. And washed.

每天都要梳頭。是的，沒錯。還得洗。

Bald patch shine must be reduced.

“地中海”不要太晃眼。

Trousers and undergarments: however expensive and fashionable the underpants, they may never appear above the trouser waistline. And the trouser waistline may never appear below the buttocks or above the navel. Trouser pockets should be kept empty apart from a slim smartphone assuming the wearer is wearing Womenco-approved radiation-shield underpants (Bastard’s team may conduct on-the-spot trouser inspections at any time).

褲子和內衣：不管您的內褲多貴多時髦，也絕對不要讓它們在您的褲腰上探頭探腦。還有您的褲腰也絕對別低過屁股，但也別高過肚臍。褲兜裏最好啥也別裝，如果您穿着被認可的防輻射內褲，倒是可以裝一隻超薄智能手機（巴斯塔德團隊可能隨時執行現場褲裝檢查）。

Inexplicable hand-in-trouser-pocket-activity is subject to on-the-spot fines.

手插褲兜這種令人費解的舉動會被罰款。

Shirts: tasteful, long-sleeved shirts, washed and ironed, are de rigueur. Hawaiian shirts, raucous colours are not.

襯衣：素雅、長袖款襯衫，洗好熨平，是得體的。夏威夷衫、花裏胡哨的色彩就不合適。

Suits must be sombre, well cut and free from both food and dandruff. The cleaners are no longer to be taken away from normal cleaning duties in order to vacuum suits. And, yes, they are paid enough, so don’t use the old excuse about them needing the readies.

西裝必須是暗色調的，剪裁合身而且不能沾有食物和頭屑。別再讓保潔人員擅離職守去幫您清理西服。是的，人家的工錢夠多，所以就別用人家需要小費這種老掉牙的藉口了。

Ties: Old school or university ties — never. Unless an OE tie, obvs.

領帶：中學或大學時戴過的舊領帶——絕對不行。當然，除非是伊頓公學的舊領帶。

Footwear: Winkle-pickers may look tremendous on 1950s rockers but they constitute a trip hazard contrary to the EU’s 1996 Health and Safety winkle-picker ruling. And they are a pain in crowded areas such as lifts. Leather shoes with rounded tips are acceptable.

鞋：1950年代搞搖滾的人穿尖頭鞋興許很酷，但穿尖頭鞋走路有危險，而且違反歐盟1996年《健康與安全》(Health and Safety)有關尖頭鞋的規定。而且在一些擁擠的地方，比如電梯裏，尖頭鞋就很招人煩。圓頭的皮鞋就沒問題 。

Trainers: No.

運動鞋：不行。

Colourful trainers: Very no.

花裏胡哨的運動鞋：絕對不行。

Heels: The vertically challenged must wear Cuban heels.

鞋跟：想增高就穿古巴跟皮鞋。

Any charges incurred by Womenco in maintaining the above standards will be deducted from the offending employee’s salary.”

Womenco維護上述標準而執行的一切罰款將從違規者的薪資中扣除。”

Shortly after this document arrived, I was sent the following recording of a recent conversation in Womenco’s female shower room:

收到這份文件後不久，我又得到了以下這份記錄，這是最近發生在Womenco女浴室的一段對話。

“Have you seen the updated attire code for men? I thought they were trying to pump up the totty factor. What’s going on?”

“你看過最新的男士着裝規範了嗎？我覺得公司在惡搞。這是要幹嗎？”

“Yeah, but Bastard’s going to have fun.”

“是啊，但巴斯塔德該有樂子了。”

“No way. Imagine trouser inspection with stinky Frobisher in accounts.”

“怎麼可能。想象一下，去給財務部臭哄哄的弗羅比舍(Frobisher)檢查褲子。”

“No, I’m thinking more Dan the messenger.”

“不，我想的更多的是通訊員丹(Dan)。”

“Drool.”

“那可真誘人。”

“Anyway, I thought the attire committee was going to insist on tight leather breeches with chest-revealing linen shirts.”

“不管怎樣，我原以爲着裝委員會會讓他們穿緊身皮褲和透胸亞麻襯衫。”

“Phwoah. Like Colin Firth’s Darcy? Mind you, can you imagine Swithinbotham in marketing being all slashed to the navel?”

“哇。就像科林?費爾斯(Colin Firth)演的達西(Darcy)？對了，你能想象市場部的斯維因波漢姆(Swithinbotham)上衣開叉到肚臍的樣子嗎？”

“Aggghh.”

“呃……”

“How come May is taking up our code? I bet she’s only going for Brexit to get round the EU Winkle-picker ruling.”

“梅姨怎麼會看上咱們的服裝規範呢？我敢說她就是爲了避開歐盟對尖頭鞋的規定才搞英國退歐的。”

“Her pointy shoes aren’t really winkle-pickers and even if they were, I mean, come on. This is about men. Not us. We just need the office eye candy fluffed up.”

“她的尖頭鞋不是真正的尖頭鞋，我是說，即使是也沒關係好嘛。這套着裝規範針對的是男人們。又不是咱們。咱們只要那些辦公室花瓶能捯飭一下自己。”