"业余"古董玩儿主 Dear Old Things

It is a tiresome habit of many antique dealers to mark their prices in times it is a straightforward substitution of letters for numerals, so that A equals 1, D equals 4, and so often, the letters are given complicated values that make no sense at all to anyone other than the dealer, and so we find that our chest of drawers is clearly marked“XPT.”What does that mean? Would he accept XOS in cash for a quick sale?

许多古董商有个讨厌的习惯，喜欢用代码来标价。有时是直接以字母替代数字，如A代表1，D代表4，以此类推。更常见的情况是，字母代表的意思曲里拐弯，复杂极了，除了古董商以外，没有人能弄明白。所以，我们才会发现我们看中的五斗柜上，清清楚楚地标了个“XPT”。那是什么意思啊?如果现金结账，迅速成交，他能接受“XOS”吗?

Why can’t the rascal mark his prices in dollars and cents like they do at Bloomingdale’s? What is he playing at?The game is called“matching the price to the customer.”

这无赖难道不能像曼哈顿的布鲁明黛尔百货公司那样，用元、角、分来标价吗?他到底玩的是什么把戏呢?这游戏叫做“看人出价”。

While you have been looking at the chest of drawers, the dealer has been looking at you, and you’re both considering the same question—how much?—from different points of nding on how you’re dressed, how interested you seem to be in buying, and how interested he is in selling, the price might fluctuate significantly.

就在你仔细端详那只五斗柜时，古董商也在上上下下打量你，而你们俩都在心里盘算同一个问题——多少钱?只是看法、角度各异罢了。凭你的穿着、你购买欲望的大小、你出手兴趣的高低，价格可以上下大幅波动。

But you’re not to know is one of the dealer’s little ’t let it worry you, because you can play the game, the man over, and get a price from ever figure he mentions, brush it , no, you me the trade price.(Normally, quite a lot less.)

但你是不会知晓个中玄机的，这是古董商的一个小秘密。你不用为此烦心，因为你同样可以玩这套把戏。你只管把那男子叫过来，问他价钱。无论他报什么价，都把它晾在一边。不对，不对，你也可以说，给我个行价吧（通常价格会少很多）。

The dealer will look at you through narrowed you really another dealer, or just a robber in a well-cut suit?

那古董商会眯起眼来打量你。难道你也是个古董商?

You give him a business card and show him your checkbook, and there it is, printed proof: COOPER ANTIQUES, PERIOD FURNITURE, VIEWING BY APPOINTMENT ONLY.

或只是一个衣冠楚楚的强盗?你递给他一张名片。再给他看你的支票簿，上面清清楚楚地印着几行字：“库珀古玩店，老式家具，只限预约看货”。

I know a man who has been doing this for years, and he has now completely refurnished his house at special trade prices, even though he’s no more a dealer than my butcher’s dog is.

我认识一个人，他这么做已经有好多年了。虽然他和那个肉贩子养的狗一样，和古董商一点关系都没有，但到现在，他已经靠如此这般的特惠价，把整个家又重新装潢了一遍。

When I asked him if he thought that this was the kind of sharp practice that an unsporting judge might describe as fraudulent misrepresentation, he just ’t I know?

有次我问他，用这种不正当的手段找便宜，若碰上个正经八百、光明正大的法官，会不会判你个招摇撞骗罪呢?

Most antiques bounce back and forth between dealers for years before they find places in private he was doing, in his own small way, was helping to speed up the turnover of stock, giving the dealers the money to go out and buy more antiques from other dealers.

他只是咧嘴笑了一笑。难道我会不知道吗?大部分的古董要在各家古董商之间来回倒腾好几年，才会找到一户人家好生安顿下来的。他利用这套小把戏所做的一切，无非是了帮助古董商加快存货周转的速度，好让他们腾出更多的资金，到外面向别的商家买进更多的古董。

The way he saw it, he was doing the entire business a service. Even if you’re not prepared to disguise yourself as a gentleman dealer, you must still resist the impulse to pay the asking price.

照他的说法，他这是在造福整个古董业。即使你并无打算把自己假扮成一个绅士派头十足的古董商，你仍然要抑制住内心的冲动，千万不可乖乖地按对方的出价付钱，一定要还价。

Make an offer, but not before making a few disparaging remarks about rickety legs, dents, scars, and interesting blemishes that have accrued with the passage of dealer expects it.

但还价前，你一定要对想买的东西贬损一番，比如说，脚站不稳啦，有凹痕，还有刮伤，以及一些因岁月流转而自然产生的斑驳陆离的缺陷。

In fact, he might be hurt if you didn’t point them out, because he may have spent several days in his workshop putting them on.

实际上，古董商正等着你这样做呢。你如果挑不出毛病来，他可能还觉得自尊心受到了伤害。

The process of aging an object or a piece of furniture overnight—or“distressing”it—is an Art in itself, and it is miraculous what a talented distresser can do with rusty nails and pumice stone and a mixture of soot and bees-wax.

因为，那些所谓的缺陷搞不好是他花了好几天的时间，才在作坊里制造出来的呢。一晚上便让一样东西或是一件家具衰老上几十年、甚至几百年——姑且称之为“折磨”吧，它本身也是一种艺术。

More miraculous still is how three-legged chairs can suddenly sprout a fourth leg, marquetry with a bad case of acne can regain a smooth complexion, and tables originally constructed for midgets can grow to adult height.

正是这些行刑的天才靠着生锈的铁钉、粗粝的浮石，加上煤灰与蜜蜡的混合物，创造了种种神奇。还有更神奇的呢，原来三只脚的椅子会突然长出第四只脚；原来满是青春痘的镶嵌工艺，会重现光滑的面容；原来给侏儒做的矮桌子，会一下子蹿到普通成人的高度。

Inevitably, some killjoy will try to belittle these marvels of inventive all have at least one acquaintance who is a self-appointed expert and whose mission in life is to tell you that you have bought a ing his head at your foolishness, he will point out in great detail what you were too dumb to see for ’s not a bad piece, he’ll say, but you could hardly call it a genuine what the it matter?

当然，你不免会碰到个把煞风景的家伙，总想贬低这些变造复古的创举。我们至少认识一个这样的人。他自封为内行。他毕生的使命就是要告诉你，你买到的全是假货。他一边晃着脑袋说你笨，一边事无巨细、不厌其烦地向你指出，你怎么笨到连这一处都没看出来呀。他会说，这物件虽然算不上糟糕，但你不能说它是真古董。但那又有什么关系吗?

If the piece pleases you, if the faking has been done well, who cares? You bought it to live with, not to sell.

如果你喜欢这东西，又假得高明，几可乱真，谁管它是真、还是假?

The antique know-it-all is a pest who should be locked up in the bowels of the Metropolitan Museum to study pre-Columbian bidets. Occasionally the situation will be reversed and a genuine piece will be treated with as little respect as would a sheet of plywood.I was once in a Manhattan antique shop when a decorator came in with his client.

更何况你买它是为了在生活里用的，又不是为了去卖。其实，这些无所不知的古董专家都是公害，应该关进大都会博物馆的最里面，让他们去研究前哥伦布时期的澡盆。偶尔也有乾坤颠倒的情况。一件真品被当作了一张胶合板似的东西而得不到应有的尊重。我有一次在曼哈顿的古董店，碰见了一位室内装饰设计师，带着他的客户来到店中。

(I knew he was a decorator by the effortless way in which he spent thousands of dollars in the first ten minutes.)

（我看得出来他是室内设计师。因为一进门，他就在10分钟之内轻松花掉了好几千美金。）

He paused in front of a magnificent fifteenth-century oak dining table— absolutely authentic, in wonderful condition, a piece of great rarity.

在一张外表华丽的15世纪橡木餐桌（绝对是真品）前面，他停了下来。桌子保存情况也非常好，可算是一件稀世珍宝。

He heard the price without flinching.“We’ll take it,”he said,“but you’ll have to cut two feet off the end so that it will fit in the breakfast alcove.”

他听了价钱后，显出一副毫不畏缩的样子，说：“我们要买它，但你必须锯掉它的两只脚，这样它才能被塞进壁龛里当早餐桌用。”

The dealer was in shock.I don’t like to see a man wrestle with his conscience, so I didn’t wait to see whether he sold the table or whether his principles got the better of him.

古董商大吃一惊。我不愿看到一个人良心挣扎的样子。所以，我没有留下来看他是卖掉了桌子呢，还是他的原则占了上风。我喜欢古董能为人所用，而不是当神供起来。

Personally, I like antiques to be used rather than worshiped, but I did wonder how the table’s maker would have felt about his work being chopped up and put in a breakfast the years I have been attracted to a wide variety of antiques, an admirer of all and an expert on none.

但我的确还是想知道，造这张桌子的匠人，若是知道他的作品被截肢，并被塞进某个角落里当了餐桌，他不知该作何感想啊。多年来，我感兴趣的古董种类繁多。我是什么都爱，但什么都不精。

I have liked Chippendale chairs, Chinese porcelain, kitchen artifacts, Lalique glass, Georgian commodes—just about everything except art, which is a separate and overpriced world of its rtunately for my aspirations as a collector, I have realized that nature did not equip me for the task.

我曾喜欢过18世纪英国齐本德尔式的椅子，中国的瓷器，厨房用品，雕花玻璃和乔治王时代的橱柜——除了艺术作品以外，几乎无所不爱。因为这艺术作品自成一个单独的、定价过高的领域。虽然我渴望成为一名收藏家，但不幸的是，我发现上苍并没有赋予我应有的天资。我忍受不了生活里有什么东西，让我在经过时不得不蹑手蹑脚地绕过去，甚至不敢碰它一下。

I can’t stand living with objects that I have to tiptoe around and hardly dare to touch.I like to be able to sit on chairs, eat at tables, drink from glasses, and collapse onto beds without feeling that I am committing sacrilege or risking breakage and financial ruin.

我喜欢椅子就是给人坐的，桌子就是用来在上面吃东西的，玻璃杯就是可以拿来喝水的，床就是可以往上面砰然倒下的，而无需觉得我是在亵渎宝物，或是冒东西被毁甚至破产的风险。

I now live with furniture and objects that are either virtually indestructible or easily replaceable.

现在我生活里用的家具和物品，要么是坏不了的，要么很容易找到替代品。

Old, perhaps, but sturdy.I avoid there is something else that I avoid and that, if you are only a moderately rich millionaire, you should avoid, too: the chic auction.

或许它们很老，但很坚固。我对脆弱可是敬而远之的。另外还有一件事，我也是敬而远之的。而且，你如果只是个中不溜秋的百万富翁，那你更该对它敬而远之：那就是时髦的拍卖会。

The people who go to the big salesrooms, glossy brochures tucked under mink-clad arms, are not like you and me.

那些身着貂皮大衣，手臂下夹着精装目录走进大拍卖场的人，绝非不入流的、你我可与攀比之辈。

They might be upper-crust dealers, professional bidders for foundations, or just grade-A plutocrats, but they have one thing in common: they are when loaded people get together in the overcranked atmosphere of competitive bidding, prices disappear upward within seconds.

他们可能是上流的古董商，也可能是代表基金会的职业投标人，要不就是顶级的富豪，他们共有一个特点：富得流油。一群极其富有的人在一起扎堆，在竞买火暴的气氛里，不出几秒钟就能把价格哄抬到九霄云外。

If you should decide, out of curiosity, to be a spectator at one of these million-dollar orgies, the golden rule is to sit on your hands.

假如你出于好奇，决定当一回看客，出席这种一掷千金、面不改色的狂欢会，那你就应该遵守一条金科玉律：把手搁在屁股底下。

One absentminded scratch of your ear might catch the auctioneer’s eye and you could find yourself with a twelfth-century bleeding cup and a bill the size of a mortgage.

也许你的一个不经意的动作，只是抓了一下耳朵，可能就会被眼尖的拍卖师逮个正着。然后，你就会发现有一个12世纪的滴血杯和一张数额大如抵押贷款的账单，摆在了你的面前。

You’re safer with Art Nouveau coatracks.

看来，还是买那种新艺术风格的衣帽架更保险些。