我不想再考驗約會對象了

I am so shameless about most of my embarrassing things. No, it's not that I can only have sex with my socks on or something. It's that I always end up testing people to see how much they care about me. It goes something like this: Am I actually starting to like someone? Time to throw a self-sabotaging grenade in the works just to spice things up! I make an impossible demand or an empty threat to see if they'll put their emotional cards on the table in a way that I can't, or won't. It's ok, if they really love me, they'll fight for me, I rationalise. Just kidding! That trick has worked exactly zero times, but I still keep doing it. And I want to stop.

我這個人已經厚臉皮到對絕大多數發生過的尷尬事都無動於衷。不，並不是説我只有穿上絲襪或其它才能發生性關係。只是我的感情總是以這種方式告終：我總是考驗別人，想看看他們有多在乎我。我開始思考：我真的開始喜歡某人了嗎？是時候自黑來點猛料了！我開始做出無理要求、虛張聲勢的威脅他們，看看他們會不會以一種我不能或不會的方式挑明他們的感情。沒關係，如果他們真的愛我，他們就會為我而戰，我設法説服自己。開玩笑的啦！這個方法一次都沒成功過，但我還是會繼續這麼做。我不想再這樣了。

It's not limited to just dating scenarios, though that's when I clock myself pulling it the most. When I was younger, I'd tell my parents I didn't actually want that shopping trip, in the hopes that they'd feel so moved by my self-sacrificing offer and insist on taking me anyways. That never happened, obviously, because my parents aren't mind-readers and they weren't going to fight to drive an hour away just so I could dangle my 'tell me I'm a perfect, unselfish child' carrot in their faces. Or I'd tell my parents I didn't want to be tucked in, and then stay awake all night crying and looking at the bedroom door waiting for them to shower me with unconditional affection anyway. I had too much pride to ask for what I wanted, but still felt disappointed when it wasn't just magically handed to me.

雖然這不侷限於約會場景，但約會卻是我最作妖的時候。小時候，我會跟父母説我其實不想去購物，希望他們會被我的自己犧牲精神感動，然後堅持帶着我去。但顯然，這種事情從沒發生過，因為我的父母不會讀心術，他們也不打算花一個小時的時間，只為了讓我利誘他們説出'我是完美的、無私的小孩'。或者我會告訴父母我不喜歡他們給我掖被子，然後整晚不停的哭泣，盯着卧室的門等着他們給我洗澡、給我無盡的愛。我太驕傲了，我不會開口要自己想要的東西，但每當奇蹟沒有發生時，我都會感到失望。

If you've ever done this, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. You think you're losing favour with somebody so you gamble with the biggest thing you have (your relationship or a trip to the shops, either works) in the hopes they'll match you and dramatically try to win you back. Only it never works. If you're smart, you'll cut your losses at one dramatic outburst and stop there, but if you're like me, you'll somehow beg and plead your way back to status quo in the hopes that you can do it all over again.

如果你也做過一樣的事情，那你肯定知道我説的是什麼意思。你以為你失去了某人的青睞，所以你用自己最重要的東西做賭注（你的情感或購物，都行），希望他們能匹配你、極力爭取贏回你。但這都沒有用。如果你夠聰明，那你就會在戲劇性的爆發中減少自己的損失，然後就此停手。但如果你和我一樣，那你就會祈求回到現狀，希望一切能從頭再來。