学会辨识自己是否处于过度归属状态（双语）
摘要:为了避免落入这种对某一个人过度依赖的陷阱，学会辨识自己是否处于过度归属状态、诚恳积极地沟通、共同探寻可行的方案，从而让双方都能在这种亲密关系中有独立发展的空间，是非常必要的。那么,我们该如何辨识自己是否处于过度归属状态
We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion. ~ Author Unknown
Paradoxically, relationships that seem perfect and in which the couple does everything together are at great risk of failing. It is human nature to end up feeling imprisoned by the sense of being permanently glued together and always having to rely on one another for a source of fulfillment in everyday life. To be whole, it is important for all of us to feel autonomous as well as attached. To avoid this "benign" trap of habit that leads to over-reliance on one person, it is important to recognize the over-attachment and to talk honestly and supportively with one another about practical and positive solutions that will allow both of you the room to grow individually within a partnership.
Steps
1. Recognize the warning both of you do everything together? Is every moment of your spare time taken up with following one another around to the point where neither of you really knows who suggested what but you're both doing it all the same? Or, maybe there are more negative feelings, such as possessiveness, clinginess or jealousy involved? Ultimately, do you feel a sense of suffocation in your relationship; or a lack of direction or overwhelming fog whenever you try to think of doing things without your partner?
2. Check that you are not involved in a relationship of pendent relationships are not much fun. In fact, they are about intensity, perfectionism and taking oneself and one's relationship too seriously. There is a sense of controlling one another and dire mutual need for each other that comes about from such previous problems as an emotionally traumatized upbringing, a fear of losing people or simply not having much sense of purpose in one's own life and replacing that with another person. Basically, those in a codependent relationship feel an inability to "stand alone" and are trying together to complete a whole from two broken halves. If you do feel this is the underlying problem, both of you may need to seek professional assistance, as together it is likely you will only continue this needy behavior without neutral, outside intervention. Part of the recovery process for a couple in a codependent relationship is learning to lighten up, have fun and play together and apart.
3. Talk it over. Bake some cookies and make a cup of tea or down together somewhere peaceful and tell your partner you need to have a positive heart-to-heart chat. Use a calm voice and be very friendly. Start the discussion with your partner by telling them how much you love them and how grateful you are for this person being in your life. Then proceed to discuss in a kind but frank fashion that you believe that the healthiness of your relationship is dependent on both of you being able to grow as independent people as well as together in a couple. Basically, you are suggesting that the happiness of both you requires letting a little air into each other's lives in ways that can only enhance your loving relationship. Ways to help you include:
* Avoid blaming, never say "you this, you that" and always voice it with "I" statements and talk about goals, healthiness and not about things that are going wrong between the two of you. See How to Practice Nonviolent Communication.
* Make it clear that this is about ensuring that you return to being the individual that they fell in love with at the beginning; that you are losing a sense of this person and want to be yourself again.
* Paint them a picture of how expanding your horizons as individuals will enable your "coupledom" to flourish when the two of you share personal discoveries. Use the metaphor by psychotherapist Wendy Allen of both of you paddling your own canoe, side by side, rather than the same canoe together; she says that space apart helps to ensure that each person carries a cohesive and whole sense of self that strengthens the sense of togetherness.[6]
* Try defining what you mean by "space". This can alleviate a lot of the potential for fear and resentment if your partner understands what you mean by giving each other space. Knowing what type of space is sought means that it can more readily be accommodated and is less likely to result in friction. For you, space might be (among other things):
o Leisure time
o Quiet time
o Working space
o Emotional space
o Financial space See How to Take a Healthy Approach to Finances in Your Relationship.
4. Explain to your partner that other people should always be a part of your tionship counselor Anne Hollonds notes that it is a fatal mistake to assume that being a couple will fulfill each other's needs completely. Say that you want to, and encourage your partner to, spend more time with those friends who are missing both of you and so that both of you are refreshed by this new stimulus. In many cases, it's likely that your friends and your partner's friends don't mix; that's okay, it is about getting out and enjoying your friendships and trusting one another. It's easier when it's about same-sex friends; just don't address the thornier issue of opposite sex friends until both of you have explored same-sex friendship space. For now, ways in which you can help one another grow through spending time with others include:
* Arranging for partner-free evenings;
* Letting friends come over and take over the basement, the ping-pong room, the TV room, wherever and the other partner either clearing out or staying in another part of the house (you can always edit wikiHow all night!);
* Trusting a partner to go on a weekend fishing trip or a Las Vegas weekend with their friends; go and book into a spa or golf weekend to treat yourself during such a break from one another to prevent yourself from moping and bringing down your side of the bargain.
5. Ask that you be soulmates and not of you need to work on inner fears that might arise concerning rejection, insecurity, fear of loss, resentment and mistrust - reassure your partner that you are committed to them and that you are simply asking for them to be committed to the evolution of your relationship into a stronger and more sound place than you feel it is now. And both of you must work together to reach compromises that work both ways.
6. Take time to pursue your own a deal with your partner that it is time for both of you to reclaim personal space and pursue your own interests and hobbies some of the time. A good target would be to gradually increase time spent apart to about a quarter of your leisure time on a regular basis but the breakdown is really up to you as an individual, as well as reaching a compromise as a couple. Nobody said this was meant to be easy!
7. Break out of the mold as a means doing independent things while sharing an activity as a couple. It may be scary at first but this can be both incredibly liberating and can also prove to each other that in independence neither of you has anything to fear, only room for more admiration and love to grow. Suggestions for acting independently as a couple include:
* Sitting apart from one another at dinner parties.
* Networking at parties while not hanging off one another's arms. Kiss "good luck" at the door of a soirée and occasionally meet each other's eyes with loving looks during the night but really enjoy the company around you. Fill one another in after the event on all the thrilling gossip you've both picked up during the night! And there is nothing more exciting than seeing the looks of surprise and yearning in other people's faces when they realize how solid a couple you are and yet how liberated too!
* Going to the same vacation but doing different activities. You go skiing while he goes snowboarding. You go swimming while she goes surfing. You're both in the same general vicinity but you're giving each other breaks. Meet for meals and occasional joint activities. Or sandwich it - separate activities at either end with a shared long hiking trip in the middle. You get the drift.
* If children are involved, give one another time out from caring. Make sure these breaks come with no strings attached. Time off to enjoy oneself is just that; both of you recognize the other deserves this space.
8. Reassure your your partner that adjusting space for optimum growth of both individuals and the couple is an ongoing need in all relationships. Successful couples are prepared to readjust distance between one another - both when getting too close and when moving too far apart. Reassure your partner that if they feel you are pulling away too much, all it takes is to tell you this and you will stop, drop everything and listen to your partner's concerns. Also reassure them that this is not about wanting permanent space from your partner; it's about allowing for "growth space" as you continue to share your lives and love together. Naturally, during times of illness, distress or other difficult situations, the relationship needs change and you will both be strong enough to move with this and make additional adjustments as needed.
很奇怪，什么事情都在一起做的情侣，貌似关系很完美，其实极有可能失败。由于一直黏在一起，他们迟早会感到像是被囚禁了，出于人类的本性，他或她不得不求诸另一个人去满足生活的需要。就整体而言，自治感和归属感对于我们每个人来说同样重要。为了避免落入这种对某一个人过度依赖的陷阱，学会辨识自己是否处于过度归属状态、诚恳积极地沟通、共同探寻可行的方案，从而让双方都能在这种亲密关系中有独立发展的空间，是非常必要的。
步骤
1. 学会辨识危险信号
你们两个无论什么事情都在一起做吗?你的所有闲暇都在陪他/她，而且谁也不清楚是谁建议了什么，反正就是什么事情都自觉不自觉地两个人一起做了，是么?或者更糟糕的，例如被对方操纵的感觉(possessiveness) 、粘在对方身上就松不开的感觉(clinginess)，甚至时常吃醋(jealousy)，这些感觉你有经历过么?最后，你是否觉得这种亲密关系令你窒息，或者当你想象没有爱人陪在身边时会感到迷茫，就像在浓浓的迷雾中失去方向一样?
2. 确保你们的亲密关系不是共生关系
共生关系(Codependent relationship)一点都不好玩。事实上，处于这种关系中的人，已经成为激进的完美主义者，他/她把自己和这份关系看得过于严肃(too seriously)了。这是一种精神上的互相控制，一种可怕的互相需要。这种情况可能是下列原因造成的：抚育早期的情感创伤、失去亲人的恐惧。他们将精神上的缺失诉诸彼此作为补偿。从根本上说，处于共生关系中的人感觉没有能力做到"精神独立"，只好尝试将两个"半人"拼成一个完整的人。如果你真觉得这是你们的问题，恐怕你们需要向专家求助，很有可能你们两个只能继续这种艰苦的(needy)行为，而不是引入中性的外界干预。处于共生关系中的情侣的康复疗法有：学会放松、一起开心地玩、分别开心地玩等。
3. 促膝而谈
烙张葱花儿饼或者煮锅棒渣儿粥。找个安静的地方坐下，告诉你的爱人，你现在需要开始一次积极地、心对心(heart-to-heart)的谈话。使用冷静而友好的音调。开始谈话时，要先肯定地告诉对方你是多么爱他/她，你对他/她成为你生命中的一部分是多么的感激。然后，和蔼并坦白地推进到下一个话题，告诉对方你认为：健康的关系是建立在两个人在一起的同时都能成长为独立的人的基础上的，从根本上讲，你是在暗示说，你们两个人的快乐需要打开窗户放进来点新鲜空气了，这样才能增强你们的亲密关系。注意：
* 别责备对方，别说你怎么这样、你应该那样。用第一人称，陈述你的目标，说你认为怎样做是健康的，而别说你们两个关系出了问题。参考《非暴力沟通实践(How to Practice Nonviolent Communication)》。
* 明确你是要变成什么样子，你是要变回你们刚开始相爱时的那个独立的人。
* 使用形象的语言，不妨试试Wendy Allen打的比方。你们俩并排划着两只小船前进，而不是在同一只船上。Allen说，两只以相近的速度并排行驶的船之间存在窄隙，有水流从中通过，从流体力学的角度讲，这股水流会产生一个使两只船互相靠近的力，这个力与两船间的距离以及行驶速度有关。保持距离、共同进步，有利于互相吸引。
* 试着明确你说的距离指什么，这样可以缓解对方对你提的“保持距离”产生的恐惧。知道寻求什么样的距离，有助于指导两个人一起调节生活方式，减少不必要的摩擦。 这距离可能包括：
o 空闲的时间
o 安静的时间
o 工作的空间
o 感情的空间
o 理财独立
4. 向他/她解释其他人也是你生活的一部分
紧密关系咨询师Anne Hollonds指出如下假设是一个致命的错误：成为情侣就必须满足彼此的全部需要。说你希望，并且鼓励他/她也是，花更多的时间和自己的其他朋友在一起，这样你们俩都可以被新激励(stimulus)刷新(refresh)。在通常情况下，你的朋友和和他/她的朋友不是一伙儿人，that's okay，该出去出去，享受友谊，彼此信任。去和同性的朋友出去玩还好说。没必要一说出去玩的朋友里有异性朋友就如临大敌。建议：
* 安排独立日(partner-free evenings)
* 把朋友叫家来，到地下室、乒乓球室、客厅等随便什么地方，让爱人去House的另一个Room干别的(比如让他整晚坐在书房里对着电脑在译言上翻译wikiHow)
* 信任你的爱人，周末放他去钓鱼旅行或者和他朋友去澳门。你自己周末也拿本散文去泡温泉，或者去打高尔夫。别把自己关在家里整个周末对着空荡荡的屋子发呆。
5. 做灵魂的伴侣(soulmate)而不是同房囚犯(cellmate)
你们需要共同对付内心的恐惧，例如拒绝、不安全、怕失去、怨恨和误解。因此，你需要向你的爱人反复确认，保证和他/她保持更亲密、更稳固的关系。
6. 发展自身的兴趣
和你的爱人达成协议，到了你们收回个人空间的时候了，你们要有自己的时间去发展兴趣。定一个目标，逐渐将个人可支配时间中用于发展自身兴趣的时间的比例增加，例如目标是增加到四分之一，最终能否达成取决于你们两个人互相妥协的程度。说实话不太容易。
7. 打破情侣模式
这是说和爱人在一起的时候做自己的事情。刚开始你可能会觉得这样做很诡异，但实际上这样做你们都可以得到难以置信的解放，并且可以向彼此证明，独立并不可怕，反而留出了爱慕的空间，你们将看到属于你们的爱情在这个空间中成长。建议：
* 聚餐时，在饭桌上分着坐
* 开Party的时候不是手挽着手，而是远远地、经常不经意地互相看看对方的眼睛，用带着爱意的眼神，同时真正享受你周围的伙伴。然后让周围人八卦你们俩去吧，最爽的就是看周围的朋友意识到你们俩其实早就是一对儿了还跟这儿调情时，他们脸上那惊讶的表情。
* 一起度假但做不同的事情，你上中级道滑单板让他去初级道滑双板，你游泳让她去冲浪。你们就在彼此附近，但是让对方一个人玩。或者自己玩会儿，再一起玩会儿，搭配着来。
* 如果有孩子，轮流看，轮流休息，注意轮流一定是无条件的。要知道对方的独立空间是他/她应该得到的。
8. 反复向你的爱人保证
告诉你的爱人，两个人分别调整自己，以更好的发展，是每对情侣关系发展的必经之路。成功的情侣会很好的调节两个人之间的距离，包括离的太远时有办法互相离得近些。反复向你的爱人保证，如果他/她觉得距离远了，会马上回来和他/她在一起，倾听他/她的需要。反复向你的爱人保证，你的意思不是和他/她保持永久性的距离，只是寻求自身发展的必要空间，你还会爱他/她和他/她一起生活。自然，在疾病、贫困等特殊情况下，距离需要调整得近些。你们得有足够的控制力，自如地调整你们俩之间的距离。
