情感時空:他爲什麼不給你打電話?

It's the new riddle of the Sphinx: “Why didn’t he call me back?” You have a great first date with a promising guy. You think it went well and expect to see him again… but then poof! He vanishes inexplicably. You sit around with your girlfriends and debate why he didn’t call you back. What happened in between “I’ll pick you up at 8pm” and “poof?” You speculate, you obsess, you rationalize, you justify. You want to know why. When your friends tell you, “It’s not you, it’s him,” you want to know if they’re trying to be nice or telling you the truth.

“他爲什麼不給我打電話呢？”這可是一個難解之謎哦。他是個好小夥，你們倆的第一次約會也十分美滿，你很想跟他繼續交往下去，可是……他卻“噗”的一聲人間蒸發了，真是莫名其妙呀。你跟你的閨蜜們聚在一起，爭論着他不給你打電話的原因——在他決定說出“八點鐘我來接你”和“噗”的一下消失之間到底發生了什麼事？你們想啊，猜啊，推理啊，判斷啊，就是想把原因弄個明明白白。可是到最後，朋友們對你說“不是你的錯，是他不好”的時候，你卻不知道她們是在安慰你呢，還是說的實話。

Guess what? There is someone who does know the truth about what really happened on your date. But it’s not you. It’s not your friends. And it’s certainly not your mother. It’s the guy you went out with. So I decided to ask him for you! In fact, I asked 1,000 “hims.” During the past ten years as a dating coach and matchmaker, I conducted “exit interviews” with 1,000 single guys to find out why you never heard from him again after a date, or after he flirted with you online or at a party. And I got some real answers. It turns out there are clear, consistent reasons why men show initial interest and then disappear. Sure, sometimes the issue is all his—who hasn’t gone out occasionally with a real jerk? But it turns out that many times we’re sending out signals we might not be aware of. And the good news is that most of these signals are easy to fine-tune.

你想不到吧，的確有人知道事件的真相，可是這個人不是你，不是你的朋友，當然也不是你的老媽，他就是另一個當事人——跟你約會的那個傢伙；所以我決定替你親自“審問”他。呃，事實上，我審問了1000個“他”；在過去的十年裏，身爲一個約會指導師兼紅娘，我總共對1000名單身小夥作過“分手後的調查”，目的就是找出其中緣故——爲什麼他會在初次約會之後就杳無音信、爲什麼他在網上或者聚會上給你送了一噸“秋波”之後卻沒了人影兒。我查到了很多真相，在男人們先是熱情如火、接着卻偃旗息鼓的背後，確實存在着清晰且一致的理由。有時候的確是對方腦子進水了，那種約會中的“傻X”男人，女人們都或多或少遇到過；但另一些時候，是咱們自己沒注意，給他發送出去的是錯誤的“信號”。令人欣慰的是，這些誤會是很容易糾正過來的。

Men essentially confessed that when they first meet you, they have several “female stereotypes” floating around in their mind. They quickly try to peg which stereotype you are and then look for evidence to back up their hunch. You know who you are deep down, but he doesn’t yet. So he will decide whether to call you again based on his perception of you, not the reality. In the early stage of dating, perception is reality. Here are three of the most common reasons men revealed why they aren’t calling women back (get the other 7 reasons - and what you can do about all of them - in my new book).

男士們都承認，在初次見面之前，他們早就在腦海中將女人分了幾個類型，接着他們會迅速地將你歸類，然後在約會中尋覓各種信息、信號，來證明他們的預想。你瞭解自己，可他不瞭解啊，所以他就根據對你的印象、而不是你的“真我”來決定是否再次約你、跟你交往下去。在兩人約會的初期，男人是把“直覺中的你”當做“真的你”來對待了。下面列出的是三個最常見的原因，導致了男人的急流勇退（其餘七條以及應對措施，請參看拙著）。

Reason #1: The Boss Lady
理由一、女強人

His perception: He’d rather hire you than date you. He perceives you as argumentative, controlling, overly independent, and not feminine or warm. While you think he’s intimidated by your success, he’s thinks you have a prickly attitude and imagines that snuggling with you is like hugging a porcupine in a pin-striped business suit!

、他的感覺：“聘用她來工作也許挺好的，可跟她約會太難受了。她愛擡槓、控制慾很強、過於獨立、沒有女人味、冷冰冰的。”你覺得他可能是被你的優秀嚇到了，其實他想的是：“她渾身都是刺兒，抱她就像抱着一隻穿着條紋職業裝的豪豬。”

Your reality: You’re confident, forthright and successful, but he can’t yet see those great qualities behind your tough demeanor. Try showing your warm, sensitive side first by talking about your adorable nephew or your volunteer work at the animal rescue shelter. And definitely change clothes after work into a flirty skirt instead of staying in that power business suit.

真實的你：你是一個自信、直率、成功的女人，可是他怎麼可能看見你強勢外表之下的這些優秀品質呢。約會的時候不妨聊聊你可愛的小侄子，或談談你在動物收容所的志願者工作，以此展現你女性溫柔細膩的一面。記得下班後就不要繼續穿着正經的職業裝了，換成休閒款的裙子吧。

重點單詞查看全部解釋obsess[əb'ses]

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v. （使）牽掛，（使）惦念，（使）着迷，（使）困擾

priority[prai'ɔriti]

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n. 優先權，優先順序，優先

stereotype['steriətaip]

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n. 鉛版，陳腔濫調，老一套
vt. 使用鉛版

deflated

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adj. 灰心喪氣的，泄氣的 動詞deflate的過去式

聯想記憶X單詞deflated聯想記憶：
deflate（v 放氣）；flat根：氣

hunch[hʌntʃ]

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n. 肉峯，預感，塊 v. 彎腰駝背，弓起背部，聳肩

initiative[i'niʃətiv]

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adj. 創始的，初步的，自發的
n. 第一步

聯想記憶X單詞initiative聯想記憶：
in進入+it+iate→開始；開創+ive→起步的,原動力

justify['dʒʌstifai]

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vt. 替 ... 辯護，證明 ... 正當

聯想記憶X單詞justify聯想記憶：
源於：just（adj 正義的；公正的）

jaded['dʒeidid]

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adj. 疲倦不堪的，厭倦的

聯想記憶X單詞jaded聯想記憶：
源於：jade（n 疲憊的老母馬；v 使疲倦）ja假，de的：作假的東西銷路好所以過度勞累的。

superficial[:pə'fiʃəl]

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adj. 表面的，膚淺的

聯想記憶X單詞superficial聯想記憶：
super，fic做，ial－在上面做－表面的

consistent[kən'sistənt]

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adj. 始終如一的，一致的，堅持的

聯想記憶X單詞consistent聯想記憶：
con共同，sist站－一堆士兵站成一排－前後一致的con共同，sistent＝sister：雙胞胎姐妹的想法總是：前後一致的

Reason #2: The Park Avenue Princess
理由二、嬌貴女

His perception: You’re looking for a “Perfect 10”: the guy’s who’s a 5 on the looks scale with $5 million in the bank. He thinks you’re high maintenance, superficial, or a gold-digger.

他的感覺：“她要找的是一個完美的男人，既要英俊，又要多金。這個女人貪圖享受、愛慕虛榮、難養活、膚淺，要麼就是一個出來釣金龜婿的。”

Your reality:You can take care of yourself. You enjoy spending what you make. Maybe you’re interested in a nice lifestyle, though it’s not your only priority. But he’s jaded by all the gold-diggers he dated before you (you’re guilty until proven innocent). So instead of asking him “What’s your favorite hotel in St. Bart’s?” you should ask “What’s your favorite little neighborhood café?” When the waiter inquires whether you’d like tap or bottled, don’t order the Evian; one glass of city water (almost) never killed anyone! {Tip: squeeze a little lemon in your glass…}

真實的你：你能養活自己，還活得挺好。你能掙，也能花。也許你就是享受優越的生活方式，儘管這種高檔生活並非你的唯一追求。但是他在跟你約會之前，已經被那些爲了錢而與男人交往的女人糾纏得疲憊不堪，很怕你也是這種人（沒辦法，在你證明自己“不是”之前，他就是這樣認爲的）。所以，在談話的時候，別問他“你在聖巴特島（世界頂級奢華度假勝地）度假的時候，喜歡住哪家酒店？”不如打聽一下“附近的咖啡屋哪個好一點？”當侍者問你要喝什麼水的時候，別點依雲（法國天然礦泉水）了，喝杯自來水毒不死人的（小竅門：往裏面擠一點檸檬汁味道就好多了）。

重點單詞查看全部解釋obsess[əb'ses]

想一想再看

v. （使）牽掛，（使）惦念，（使）着迷，（使）困擾

priority[prai'ɔriti]

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n. 優先權，優先順序，優先

stereotype['steriətaip]

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n. 鉛版，陳腔濫調，老一套
vt. 使用鉛版

deflated

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adj. 灰心喪氣的，泄氣的 動詞deflate的過去式

聯想記憶X單詞deflated聯想記憶：
deflate（v 放氣）；flat根：氣

hunch[hʌntʃ]

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n. 肉峯，預感，塊 v. 彎腰駝背，弓起背部，聳肩

initiative[i'niʃətiv]

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adj. 創始的，初步的，自發的
n. 第一步

聯想記憶X單詞initiative聯想記憶：
in進入+it+iate→開始；開創+ive→起步的,原動力

justify['dʒʌstifai]

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vt. 替 ... 辯護，證明 ... 正當

聯想記憶X單詞justify聯想記憶：
源於：just（adj 正義的；公正的）

jaded['dʒeidid]

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adj. 疲倦不堪的，厭倦的

聯想記憶X單詞jaded聯想記憶：
源於：jade（n 疲憊的老母馬；v 使疲倦）ja假，de的：作假的東西銷路好所以過度勞累的。

superficial[:pə'fiʃəl]

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adj. 表面的，膚淺的

聯想記憶X單詞superficial聯想記憶：
super，fic做，ial－在上面做－表面的

consistent[kən'sistənt]

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adj. 始終如一的，一致的，堅持的

聯想記憶X單詞consistent聯想記憶：
con共同，sist站－一堆士兵站成一排－前後一致的con共同，sistent＝sister：雙胞胎姐妹的想法總是：前後一致的

Reason #3: The Sadie Hawkins
理由三、太主動的女人

His perception: You’re pursuing him. You sent him a thank-you email after your date, and immediately he knew you liked him. He may even think you’re a little desperate. Deep down, he feels deflated because when he likes a woman, he’d rather do the chasing.

他的感覺：“這個女人是要追我嗎，約會剛結束，她就發來郵件表示感謝，她是喜歡上我了。她是不是有點賴上我的意思啊，太沒勁了，女人是要男人追的，哪能倒貼啊。”

Your reality: That thank-you email was a show of good manners, not a subtle hint for him to ask you out again. At work you’re rewarded for taking initiative, but with guys you have to let them reach out first. Don’t say, “Let’s do this again sometime”—that’s his line. This is one time in your empowered, take-charge life when you have to sit back and wait after a first date—do absolutely nothing to follow-up (don’t even check to see if he’s logged into his online dating profile). He’s a big boy and knows how to contact you if he’s interested.

真實的你：你寫這封郵件只是出於禮貌，並非給他一個暗示“我想再次約你”。在職場上需要處處保持主動，情場上可別這樣做。你要讓他主動，你別去安排約會的事，那是他要做的。一直以來你都習慣了掌控一切、事事負責，開始約會了就不要這樣了，你只要乖乖地坐着，什麼都不用做，對他言聽計從就行啦（甚至不要關心他的日程安排裏有沒有你們的約會事項）。他是個男人，不是小孩子，如果對你有意，總有辦法找你的。

I truly believe it’s not that “good” guys don’t exist, but rather that simple (mis)perceptions—which can be easily tweaked once you’re aware of them—are standing in Cupid’s way. Which stereotype do you think men might be labeling you? There’s only one way to find out: learn how to conduct your own personal “exit interviews!” at

我相信，好小夥子總是有的，可是你們的姻緣被那點誤會擋住了；其實，只要你稍稍留意，這種事是可以避免的。那麼，在那些放棄了你的男人心中，你究竟屬於哪種女人呢？來網站看看吧，你會找到答案的。

重點單詞查看全部解釋obsess[əb'ses]

想一想再看

v. （使）牽掛，（使）惦念，（使）着迷，（使）困擾

priority[prai'ɔriti]

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n. 優先權，優先順序，優先

stereotype['steriətaip]

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n. 鉛版，陳腔濫調，老一套
vt. 使用鉛版

deflated

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adj. 灰心喪氣的，泄氣的 動詞deflate的過去式

聯想記憶X單詞deflated聯想記憶：
deflate（v 放氣）；flat根：氣

hunch[hʌntʃ]

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n. 肉峯，預感，塊 v. 彎腰駝背，弓起背部，聳肩

initiative[i'niʃətiv]

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adj. 創始的，初步的，自發的
n. 第一步

聯想記憶X單詞initiative聯想記憶：
in進入+it+iate→開始；開創+ive→起步的,原動力

justify['dʒʌstifai]

想一想再看

vt. 替 ... 辯護，證明 ... 正當

聯想記憶X單詞justify聯想記憶：
源於：just（adj 正義的；公正的）

jaded['dʒeidid]

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adj. 疲倦不堪的，厭倦的

聯想記憶X單詞jaded聯想記憶：
源於：jade（n 疲憊的老母馬；v 使疲倦）ja假，de的：作假的東西銷路好所以過度勞累的。

superficial[:pə'fiʃəl]

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adj. 表面的，膚淺的

聯想記憶X單詞superficial聯想記憶：
super，fic做，ial－在上面做－表面的

consistent[kən'sistənt]

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adj. 始終如一的，一致的，堅持的

聯想記憶X單詞consistent聯想記憶：
con共同，sist站－一堆士兵站成一排－前後一致的con共同，sistent＝sister：雙胞胎姐妹的想法總是：前後一致的